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2 Brothers, a party and me.

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Micah, Dec 24, 2006.

  1. Micah

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    Ok something that's been troubling me all day. I know this shouldn't phase me. I mean I've come out to nearly everyone I know...with the exception of my family.

    A little background:
    My Parents are deeply christian. My mum teaches sunday school and my dad hosts a series of prayer and bible groups. My mentality was always "never ever ever ever coming out to them", but now days its just "wait until I'm not so dependant on them to come out to them". I was going to wait until I had a long term boyfriend and possibly finished school before letting them know.

    I have 1 younger sister, who has suspected I'm gay for a while, however I've never been able to confide in her due to her being so close to my mum. My sister is still very church-going.

    My older brothers (of 22 and 24) aren't Christians. However I dont live with them. I see them maybe once every 1-2 weeks. Personally, I think they would be accepting, however, there's the elemental of my parents again.

    Current Situation:

    Well I'm 18 soon (yay) and as such I'm having my 18th party in 2 weeks. 50 people. about 23 of them gay. Problem? While I've managed to ship my parents off, my brothers are still going to be there. So I was faced with the problem:

    Tell my brothers before hand, or let them know on the day of the party?

    I was originally confident that my brothers would take it well. But my friend recently came out to his brother who took it fairly bad, so it's made me unsure. Some of my friends are telling me that if one of my brothers takes it bad it could ruin the entire party...he could try to cancel it, or he could be hostile towards the gay people.

    Personally...I think my brothers are more likely to avoid the party all together than be hostile, but apparently not preparing for all situations is ignorant.

    So its been decided that the best thing to do would be to come out to my brothers before the actual party, see their reaction and decide whether what to do from there. The only problem with that plan is that if they *did* take it bad, they could tell my parents.

    Urgh.

    Currently, the plan is to go out to lunch with my brother's (1) girlfriend and see what she thinks (I have no doubt she'd be absolutely fine with it).

    And go out with brother (2) for coffee and just be like "so..there'll be a lot of gay guys at my party so dont be grossed out by guys kissing" or something along those lines. Hopefully that will lead into a conversation and I can judge his reaction.

    Ok. Rant over. what do you think? It's funny how I can come out to everyone else like its nothing, and when it comes down to my whole family its so complicated.

    Dave
     
  2. Fox

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    Hey,

    You gave me some awesome advice, so I'll impart some mediocre advice (It's the best I can do). Obviously the Christian background makes your situation slightly more tangled, and I'm not going to comment on that too much as I haven't been brought up in a Christian household, so I really have no right/no idea on commenting on that.

    Your brothers are your brothers. They simply cannot say 'Oh, you're gay, now I can never see you again. They've grown up with you for however many years, one thing hopefully will not change that. It is possible, but these guys are your blood.
    Perhaps if you made it clear in a way that made your orientation not seem like a deep dark secret, you could approach your brothers and inform them not to tell your parents?

    As for the party, I know that due to this thing called sibling rivalry, your brothers probably wouldn't be hanging around your younger friends. They're in Uni or whatever, they have better things to do. Are you 100% sure there's gonna be guys making out and touching each other up at your party?

    I think gauging your brother's reaction by warning him that other people will be gay there is a good idea, as long as it is brought up in general non obvious conversation. Others may not agree with me here and say it's better to come out straight away, but I've seen cases where that's not the best move.
    Your brothers might be absolute homophobes (although they'd still love you), or they may accept you with open arms.

    Well I hope you sort out your situation,

    Fox
     
  3. tired_of_lying411

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    I'd just say it to them, straight up (haha no pun intended) .

    My brother is quite... um lets say he points everything out that isnt normal.. he's big into making fun of other people. So when I told him i was gay, I was nervous, but i did it, just took a leap of faith. He, of course, had already assumed, and told me that he didnt care, so long as i was happy. and with us, I know that it's better to just know that we both know the truth but dont have to talk about it all that much.

    Im just so glad that he knows the truth, and also, really glad he doesn't want to talk about it all the time, haha

    I'd say that the best thing, after telling your brothers, would be to make sure there will be people there that they can hang out with. So it won't be like "we were okay with it, but now we feel like you lured us into this big gay environment... too much, too fast" other than that... All i can say is, good luck!
     
  4. Micah

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    Hrm so it's christmas today (not a time for coming out for many reasons) but I've obviously been thinking about it a lot.

    The main thing is that I was so sure they already knew, then my confidence got shot when I started talking to my friend. But today, my brother called me the "christmas homo" (affectionately) so thats a positive. :slight_smile:

    I'm kinda excited again about telling them :slight_smile:
     
  5. TriBi

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    Dave,

    I'm hardly qualified to offer advice here...but...just thinking out loud...

    If your brother, who you say you don't see more than every week or two, makes that commnet, then he presumably has a good idea.

    You have also mentioned in convo with me before that you 'really don't try too hard to hide your sexuality at home' - so could it be that, if your brothers have a pretty good idea already, and you are around your parents MUCH more - that Mum and Dad likely already have realised but "choose" to be in denial?

    Anyway - it kinda sounds that (at least one of) your brothers aren't THAT likely to be a problem...but maybe the problem will be that your parents just won't want to accept?
     
  6. Micah

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    Possibly. Telling my parents right now isn't what I want/need. There are a lot of complications, mostly due to me being so dependant on them. I mean it wouldn't be the end of the world if they knew, but I would never be able to have male friends over again. Just those sort of inconveniences that would add pressure on my life as I go into my final year of highschool.

    In regards to my brothers - I suppose it was just me trying to find a way out of telling them before my party. But I think having them find out by "mistake" on the night is just asking for trouble.
     
  7. Paul_UK

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    Yes, I think they need to know at least that there will be gay people there before the day, otherwise it could ruin the party.
     
  8. I agree w/ Paul.

    I think you should take into account your relationship w/ your older brothers. Do they let you in on things about them that you don't tell your parents? W/ my sisters, they had secret boyfriends, secret phone conversations, secret ditchings of orchestra practice or youth groups -- all that stuff that teenagers do. And I knew about lots of it, and sometimes I even helped them get away w/ it. Even when I disapproved of some of the COMPLETE ASSHOLE LOSERS that they dated, I never once considered telling my parents as even an option. No way.

    I guess my point is that if you have a trusting relationship w/ your bros, regardless of how they felt about you being gay, I think they'd respect your privacy w/ regard to your parents.

    But yeah, warn them about all the gay stuff at the party. :slight_smile:

    And have fun! (Early happy birthday!)
     
  9. Jamie

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    I agree with this completely. I think that telling them prior to the party has to be the right thing to do. At the very least telling them that there will be an abundance of gay people there will help them prepare for it, but you have to consider that perhaps that in itself will point towards you being gay. Since in general how many straight people have 23 gay friends?

    Sounds promising that one of your brothers called you the 'christmas homo', suppose it suggests that you maybe aren't as secretive about being gay as you think and that they already know, and have already known for a while. This sometimes is the problem when relatives won't step up to the plate and say "I know you're gay", leaving you getting yourself in a stress over what could be nothing.

    I guess your main fear here is that they will tell your parents, I suppose possible rejection comes into it too - but really family usually does come around after a while any way. Just stay possitive and if you're usually fairly close just make it clear to them if they're not cool with your sexuality, that although they may not approve, that they should respect you enough not to tell your parents until YOU are ready.

    Nothing else to say, but Good luck (let us know how it goes), hope you enjoy your 'partay' and happy birthday for Jan 19th.
     
  10. TriBi

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    Then I think you owe it to them to at least "prepare the ground".

    Even if they know/suspect already - I imagine they would appreciate that you are prepared to confirm/forewarn them.

    That said - as always I am going from what YOU (the poster) says...but, based on that, it sounds a sensible course of action.
     
  11. Micah

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    I told the brother whos coming to my party today :slight_smile:

    He took it soooo well.

    "To be honest I kinda suspected it....just dont tell mum"

    We then had a 30 minute conversation on how close minded our mum is :slight_smile:

    :grin:
     
  12. Sounds sweet. That's awesome, Dave. I'm happy for you. :slight_smile:
     
  13. TriBi

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    Yay! Great news - positive result...I'm really happy for you.:grin:
     
  14. Jamie

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    Ditto... Happy that it's turned out so well Dave. Now you've got a family member well and truly in the loop
     
  15. Paul_UK

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    That's brilliant news, Dave! Is he the one that referred to you as the "christmas homo"? Did you talk to him about telling your other brother?
     
  16. Micah

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    Haha no. The other one called me the christmas homo. But this one is the one who'll be at my party so I really needed to tell him. I'll tell my other one with time, but with New Years Eve and my 18th coming up I barely have enough time for anything, so telling the other one (who told me he won't be coming) isn't as urgent.

    Tho I might just tell him when hes watching tv if we're both home together :tongue: would save some time.
     
  17. Micah

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    Ok I just told him :tongue:

    We were on the way to the shopping centre and he told me he could come to my party now..so I'm like "ok im gay"

    He's like "makes no difference to me :slight_smile:"

    happy much?
     
  18. TriBi

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    :grin: (!) :eusa_danc :thumbsup: (*hug*) :thumbsup: :eusa_danc (!) :grin:
     
  19. Paul_UK

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    Congratulations Dave!
     
  20. suburbs_of_sodom

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    YAY!! That's two brothers in two days, both of which are completely accepting. Nicely done.