I am not really sure where to begin. I have dated guys, and I like guys fine. But I also have dated women. Really, I think the only person I have ever loved has been a woman. Not really sure, love is such a complicated thing. For a lot time, since I was ok with guys, I dated men, said I was straight, had just experimented in college. All that stuff. I am a member of a religious path where outside of church, being gay is fine, but inside you need to have polarity, so male-female partnerships. I always wanted my partner in the religion to be my partner outside of the religion. I want someone who I can share all aspects of me with. Someone I can come home to and build a life with, but who I can share my faith with. I am increasingly feeling that these can not be the same person. When I think about my future, I want a family. I want a home and kids. And most of the time I think of this future with a woman. I will go through phases where I can see that with a man, but never as clear, never as...happy, I guess, than with a woman. I haven't dated for a really long time. Part of that is that I haven't been in a good place myself. I am finally getting healthy, mentally. I have a good job, a good place to live. My life is finally, mostly, where I want it to be heading. Maybe that is why this is coming to a head now. I am finally in a place in my life, after so many long years, where I can consider trusting someone, loving someone, being with someone. Part of the reason I have been single is because of the religious thing. I keep saying I want someone who is the same religion. Being a minority religion, that is pretty much impossible in most of the country. So, I can be single without having to answer questions about it, to anyone, including myself. I also live in a place where the LGBT community is pretty small, and most of them know my friends, my family. So, coming out here, or exploring my sexuality, or even going to people here for advice, to talk, is not really an option. They won't see ME, they will see who they think I am. Which just adds another layer of confusion, and complication. I am happy I moved back here. I came back because I missed my family, my home. I came back for a good job that I love. But maybe this would be easier somewhere where no one knows me or my family or my friends. I know that my mother and step-dad would not be happy if I dated a woman again. And my dad and step-mom would not be happy if I dated someone outside the religion. My entire life I have been the one who takes care of everyone. The one who fixes the problems, makes everything better. I am wonderful at solving your problems, while my life is a train wreck. So doing something for _me_ knowing that it will upset those around me is really hard to contemplate. But I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy (you have no idea how long it took me to say those words to myself, let alone to anyone else). I am just not sure what happy is. Can I be happy in every other aspect of my life, but miserable in this one? Does that still mean I am happy? And is it worth it? I am not really sure what I want from this. Maybe I am just rambling, and this is a good anonymous place to do that. Something that feels more constructive than writing the same thing over and over in my journal. I am 30 years old. You would think this would get easier as I got older. But this is so much harder now than when I was in college. Well, probably because it is more important. College was dating. College was sex. College was having fun. I never thought about long term with anyone, so it didn't matter.
Sometimes, its easier to just write all your feelings down and not want or expect an answer. This site is really good for that; and also for advice.
I was thinking about the people I have dated. None of them have been good relationships. But then again, I was a pretty messed up person. So I dated really messed up people. I never really got invested in any of my relationships. I always said that they were short term, that I needed to focus on my schooling (if I was studying, my mother left me alone. If my grades were high enough, I didn't get hit quite as much), I had more important things to take my time and energy. So, when they ended, I was ok with that. Out of sight, out of mind. Se la vie and all that. What if I intentionally sabotaged my relationships? Well, I probably did, but for a different reason that I wasn't happy with my life and didn't think I deserved to be happy. What if I dated men who I knew there was no future with because I didn't want a future with me? Guys who I could walk away from and no one would question it? No one would say "what happened? That guy was perfect!" rather than the "thank god!" that I usually got. Introspection sucks. I keep thinking, things are supposed to get easier. When you are a teenager, you are supposed to be scared and confused. But when you are 30 you are supposed to have some of this figured out.
I have an "aunt". She is a friend of my mothers and I have known her my entire life. She is the bitchiest, most judgemental person I have ever met. But when you need her, she is there. And where it really matters, she is pretty open minded. It is kind of a strange thing. I called my mother Monday on my way back from a woman's night thing. I am really enjoying it, and they are doing a fundraiser. I kind of volunteered to teach a class at the fundraiser, so called her to have her ask around for materials. And my mother said "can't you go places where you will meet men?" I am getting out of the house, which is really unique for me. I am being social, I am trying new things. All stuff I have never really done before. You would think she would be happy about this. For the first time in my life I am not sitting at home, reading or watching tv or avoiding the world. But no, she has to go to the "get a boyfriend". So I called my "aunt", again to ask her to put out the word for materials. And I was a little annoyed by my mother so I asked if she wanted to have dinner this week. We could talk. I needed to talk. I was going to say just let's do dinner, but it all came out over the phone. And my judgemental aunt asked if I had talked to my father about this. My father who she hates, and has never said his name without some kind of insult. Oh god no! I haven't talked to anyone. OK, we will talk, and we will do whatever we need to do, she said. But she also said it doesn't matter. Whatever I am, it doesn't change who I am. I know that. I have been on the other side when friends have come out. Why is it so hard for me to answer the same questions I have helped others answer? Long story. Anyway, we are having dinner tonight.
Because this is the internet. If you were talking with your aunt via internet (and she reacted badly), you don't have to deal with her yelling, drama ensuing, etc. You are afraid of having to talk about this subject to her at dinner to her face. Sometimes it's easier said than done....
Hello Arizona, I'm glad to see you've found a place to write your thoughts out. I'm a big believer in the connection between writing and thinking--often we don't know what we think or feel until it comes out on paper (or on the screen). I'll tell you what I connected with--your comment that "you would think this would get easier as I got older." Um, no. Sorry. I'm 42 and I'm just now coming out. I just told the first person yesterday, and that was my therapist. I have a ways to go yet. But I can't tell you the number of times I've wished over the past decade or so as I've struggled with this issue that I was stil in college. People expect this sort of thing then--they expect experimentation and self-discovery. Once you're past that point, and especially when you're in your 40s, people expect you to be static. You're suppose to already know who you are. And in many cases, such as mine, coming out at this age disrupts families and marriages, making it more difficult to come out and harder for people to accept. I'm so glad you're working on this, though, and that you have found a place to air your thoughts. --Zoe
In reading your post what I see is a list of why you have not been able to just be yourself because of parental and religious expectations. What a lot are dealing with are parents that instead of learning who they children are expect them to be what they need them to be. Someone shouldn't have to come out as gay anymore than someone has to come out as straight. if parents would learn who they children are these issues wouldn't happen. In regard to age there is a point where the tools we use to adapt to issues inside no longer work. You need to peel away the layers to find out who you are under all the expectations put upon you. I will bet you will like that person.
don't put labels on orientations, it's either you love, or you don't. it's okay either way. don't question your love life, just go with the flow and be with whoever you want
