Yesterday I called her to wish her happy mothers day, our conversation was okay. She was telling me about how some extended family had come to visit. In trying to explain her gay cousin's partner she used "wife-thing" and I asked why she doesn't just call him his husband when they've been married for years now. She kind of went on this little tangent about not "getting" it (even though they've been together twenty-something years which is ample time to "get" it) and she loves him but he's "alienated himself" from the family so it's not like they get to talk much. I wasn't going to argue with her about who alienated who (or at all get in to the fact that I haven't been home in over a year for similar reasons) I just said she should treat them with enough respect to call them what they want to be called now that they are making the effort to interact with her and the rest of her family. I think she agreed, and I know she'd be a lot more sensitive to it if her own husband wasn't laughing it up, but it was discouraging. Anyway I told her I moved back in with Max and it spurred a lot of questioning because the last I talked about him I told her we weren't getting along and I moved out. She wanted to know basic mom things like if I needed money or if something went wrong with my other roommates and it frustrates the fuck out of me. I know she's not ignorant because I've brought him home before and she's met him and I just feel like it's kind of obvious, so I told her no that we were back together. She acted like I didn't say anything at all, so I might as well have not. She hesitated for a second and I was really hoping for something even a negative reaction but she just started talking about my sister. It just makes it really hard because I thought talking to her about him and her having met him and everything was a kind of coming-out but I just want her to acknowledge it somehow because I feel like she must never hear me. And I wonder if she hasn't, if I need to be more direct, because she doesn't "get" it or something. But that seems stupid, because I spend so much time trying to distance myself from them, it shouldn't matter if she does or doesn't. I think she has an easier time believing that I don't come home because of some juvenile conflict with her husband and not because I'm "alienated". So I came out but not really. How many times should I tell her and how clear do I have to be before I give up and just accept I'm not going to get anything out of her? Is it childish to want a reaction?
It's not childish to seek approval of your mother, rather it's pretty natural for people to seek acknowledgement from their parents. Ultimately, I think you'll have to give your mother some time. It's something she'll have to learn to get used to. Perhaps you could try and see if there are any PFLAG meetings near where you live, and invite her there so she can meet other parents of gay children share a bit of their story and understanding of what it means. Just don't go around making "getting your mother's approval" your biggest goal in life, or you may end up being severely disappointed. If she doesn't fully accept you, you'll just have to move on, and live a happy life with your partner.
Well she lives in BC so the chances of us getting together to have a physical conversation are slim. I doubt it'd ever happen that way. She's very catholic and fully believes it's a sin, though it seems like she's becoming at least a little more accepting of her cousin. I know she makes exceptions to her religion all the time for her family out of love (she's not totally an irrational nut). I suppose it's a good sign that she didn't respond negatively. My step-dad caught on pretty early about my relationship and had a much uglier reaction. I just wish he'd hurry up and die so I could see my family lol.
Well that escalated quickly. :lol: Since you're more familiar with where you mother lives, maybe you could search for (pro-LGBT) churches or PFlag meetings in BC near her and suggest that she visits there if she ever wants to see what the "other" side has to say, and perhaps reconcile her faith with homosexuality. It's definitively harder to do given the physical distance, but if she's open enough to make an exception for her family, maybe she'd be open enough to subject herself to different opinions on the matter. That or send her a copy of the movie "Prayers for Bobby", since it's based on a true story, and she may be able to relate to the mother. These are just suggestions though, in my case I'd just move on and cut off contact with my family if they did not support the choices I made, but that option is not always possible for other people.
Haha yeah. I have a big problem with him but I won't get in to it because it's pretty secondary. Overall his opinions mean nothing to me but they mean a lot more to my mom so they still affect me. They're good suggestions, I just feel like I'd be forcing her to accept it. Which is already contradictory to the way I've been handling it. I've had really minimal contact with her, so I know she's doing the eggshells walk every time I'm on the phone with her. Recently I've just been missing her, and I don't want to go the rest of my life not seeing my family. I know it's going to be wait-and-see for a long time and I can be patient :icon_conf I guess.
I can remember my mother who lived near my brother in another state when she was telling me about his boyfriend. She would comment on how odd the relationship was considering he spent no time with his wife but even with her growing up with a gay brother never allowed herself to come to terms with the truth. It was a major event years later when his wife told her he was gay. If I was you I would be upset with her marring someone that doesn’t approve of gays. In essence she values a bigot over of her son from what is in your post. I am wondering what you would like to get out of your relationship with your mom. If you just want her to acknowledge your being gay you may have to push the issue.
Unfortunately she married him way before I could object. I've accepted that, they have two kids together and she doesn't want to divorce again (another catholic thing). I try not to make it me-vs-him when I talk to her because it stresses her out. He's a part of her life and was a part of mine for a long ass while, that's just something I have to deal with. She is very, very nonconfrontational and doesn't like to rock the boat, especially with him. As far as what I want from her, I'd just like to be able to talk to her without censoring myself. I get really anxious when we talk like I'm going to fuck up and disappoint her. But how do i do that? Every time i talk to her should I say "My boyfriend" whenever I refer to him? Seems kind of excessive. But I can't just tell her "I'm gay" because I'm not... unless just telling her I'm gay is easier than trying to explain I'm bi or whatever? I'm just worried if I push it too much she won't want to talk to me at all.
My mom basically when I came out to her was speechless. Literally. She didn't speak to me nor react in any way. It was so bizarre, but I really didn't want to bring it up and hash it on her. So, I just kept the conversation on the down low. She now calls it my "big bad secret", as if it is a crime against humanity...sigh...
