Hi, I feel very alone. Let me give you some background information. I'm 23 and my boyfriend is 25. We've been dating for a year. Prior to this I was in a four year relationship that I didn't find satisfying at all. He is someone I completely in love with on so many levels. He's dated many more people than I have and has always had the reputation of promiscuity and being the shitty boyfriend. I didn't judge him then and I don't judge him now. When we first started dating he expressed to me that he's given head to men before. He's expressed feeling broken and curious. He's said that there is no way he's gay because he loves women so much. Through all of this I have sworn secrecy and have been supportive to the best of my ability. I want him to figure this out but I want him to be honest with me. A few months into the relationship he severed my trust by doing something stupid. While I forgave him, the trust in our relationship was impacted but I've made an active effort to repair it. Since then, I have checked his craigslist account. It was heartbreaking to find that a few months into our relationship he was posting ads to give head to other men, however I also understand that it's part of him finding himself. I feel that as long as he is safe it's something he needs to do then I get it. I've had this fear in the pit of my stomach but not because he'll be gay but because I'm probably greedy and don't want to lose this love of my life. A few weeks ago he came home so sad and expressed that sometimes he thinks of killing himself because one day he wakes up fantasizing about women but sometimes it's men. We talked for a long time and I said once again reassuringly that I'll be there for him no matter what the outcome and it won't change how much I care about him. I encourage him to explore this because he so recently so often talks about marriage. I just don't want to wake-up ten years from now and be left because he didn't give himself the opportunity to figure all of this out. The next day, and the day after that, and the day after that he reassured me that he thinks he's just being greedy and wanting to experience things when he knows I am the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with. And in turn I continue to tell him to figure it out if he needs to, all I ask is that he is honest with me if he does end up going somewhere and doing something. I saw that he posted another craigslist ad to hookup after work last night but deleted it right before he got home. I guess I'm just here because I can't express my feelings with my friends. And I feel just as alone as maybe he does but it's not something he'll ever talk to me about completely. Can anyone offer me any advice? I just want him to be happy.
Hello there, and welcome to EC! I am afraid that my advice and opinion here are not going to be all that reassuring, but I believe the pattern is fairly obvious. And it's not pointing towards him ending up as straight. It is, in fact, very much a similar pattern of what I had when I was still far back in the closet. Details may differ, but the fundamentals were there: For most of the day, I'd be perfectly secure in being straight. If you had asked me I could have told you without a doubt what women I liked and what I liked about them. I believed it with such conviction that I could even force myself to have the necessary feelings. But yet, I had this annoying habit of "slipping up". There'd be the moment I was surfing on the internet and somehow just ended up getting all hot and bothered over gay porn. And every time I would feel so very guilty. I resolved that this was the really, really final time. It was just this annoying phase. But I would work through it! Same for guys. I'd be drawn to some guys. Found myself crushing and fantasizing about them. More so than girls, as trying to flirt with girls was often a really conscious effort (I'm told I'm good at flirting with girls. But still, it was never something that felt entirely spontaneous). But there too, I'd convince myself there must be something I was missing, as liking guys would make me gay, and if there's anything I was sure of, I was definitely not "one of those guys" What your boyfriend does seems (to me) similar. He's probably really trying hard to banish all doubts and get rid of these "annoying gay thoughts". He probably really loves you as best as he can. But... the more he tries to constrain any gay urges, the more prone he is to indulging in them whenever he's stressed or alone or lets his guard down. And I'm pretty sure he's convinced every time was the really final time. But as you have started to notice, it's not. Because deep down, it's what he's drawn to. I'm inferring here, but am I right in assuming you've never seen him make a pass on other girls? And that this "stupid thing" he did was something he did with a guy? Unfortunately, you can't miraculously make someone OK with their own feelings. To go back to my case: I knew friends would be supportive. I had put off dating girls, so I wasn't going to hurt anyone. Hell, one of my best friends was out and proud. But it still took me years and years before I realised it wasn't a phase and it wasn't a big deal and that I should just face the facts and look to the right gender for a change. Change has to come from within. So... I think you are doing the best you can, here. Being supportive and open about accepting all outcomes is doing the least possible to hold him back. Yet, I am also wondering whether he couldn't also benefit from some more focused help. There is of course the option of seeing a counilor (preferably not one of the "pray away the gay" types, but one who is experienced and open in matters of sexuality). There is also the option to visit a GLBT community or support center. Which is a good opportunity to get to talk to people who have been in a similar situation. And, of course, there's all of us here. Don't hesitate to voice thoughts or doubts. A lot of us have been in very similar situations and might have some useful insights. Last but not least: (*hug*) It sounds like a tough situation for the both of you. But I am also hopeful you'll manage to work through this, whatever the outcome.
