Hey trans* community! I've got a question I hope you can help me out with. A friend of mine wanted to Skype me today (though I'm unable to) to talk about something that "isn't bad but she thinks I'll be surprised by, because it's different". She's been doing a lot of androgyny-related things lately and has always had fun identifying with tomboyishness and being a male. So basically, I'm suspecting she wants to come out as trans* (or something other than female). (I don't know that for sure, so I'm not going to make any stupid assumptions obviously) Anyways, the question part. I'm not well-versed in trans* issues. I'm sure I can handle the being sympathetic/supportive/listening part, but as for actual kind words I'm not sure what I should say. Do any of you have something that you heard when coming out that really helped you? Maybe something you wish someone had said but didn't? Secondly, how do you manage being referred to by your preferred vs. biological pronouns if you aren't out to everyone? Thanks in advance for all the help!
Well if that's what it is then she obviously trusts you. Honestly you just need to give kind words and support and just be kind and if she tells you that, just ask her simply "Can I ask you a few questions?" And if she says yes you can probably ask her any questions you may have (do try to avoid questions about transition unless she brings it up with you though because that's a pretty personal issue). What people go by really depends on the person so it'd be better to ask her directly what she'd like for you to refer to her by and if there are any exceptions to the rule. Just be supportive. You know how it is, just be nice and happy with her and be glad she came to you because it shows she trusts you and thinks of you as a good and understanding friend.
If you can be sympathetic, supportive, and listening, I think that's all anyone in that position would want. As for pronouns, I think it's better you ask your friend how she'd prefer you handle it, but generally, if she's not totally out, you should probably refer to her by her biological pronouns to anyone she's not out to. To do otherwise could be tantamount to outing her.
