Hi, I am reaching the end of my rope. I am 22 and a very sensitive and anxious person who is so tired of feeling conflicted. I have been sexually attracted to girls since puberty but have always dated guys for the emotional comfort and feelings of compatibility. It just feels "right;" I have good, satisfying relationships with them (maybe the sex isn't always top notch, but I enjoy it anyway). I would love to marry my current boyfriend some day (because I love him, not to conform) but continue to experience overwhelming and distressing sexual attraction towards women. In the past I have come out to some friends and family as a lesbian or bisexual but these labels don't assuage my fear and pain. It seems rational to me to try to stop judging myself for my feelings (no one else is!!) and just be happy with my situation unless something changes. But despite years of antidepressants, meditation and therapy, coming in and going out of the closet -- nothing feels right. I am so tired of having repeated breakdowns in which I leave my boyfriend to be a lesbian but feel no real desire to pursue a woman, so wind up happy in his arms again until I am once again driven to distress by my attractions. Being a lesbian in itself doesn't scare me anymore, it is the thought of having to leave the person I love most. I don't feel strong enough to do this AND confront who I really might be. What I really want is to be able to love and accept myself without feeling like that will necessarily affect my otherwise great relationship. Is that possible? :help: - Ellie
Just feeling miserable thinking- oh God, I have to leave him but I love him so much and I feel too much pain to know what to do. I guess I realize that my situation isn't even that bad and I probably am having too much depression and anxiety to really think logically.
Welcome to EC. Though you're still pretty young I suggest reading the LGBT Later in Life section. I think you'll find plenty there you can relate to. Lots of people over there are dealing with the divide between who they're attracted to and the love they feel for their straight partner. You aren't alone. (*hug*)
I was just thinking the same thing. I have a husband who I adore and can't imagine life without - I also can't imagine ever having sex with him again. I have come out to him and, after 22 years together, we still don't know exactly what we are going to do. It is one day at at time. You are definatly not alone.
I have no way of knowing if this story relates but it shows how much certain events shape us. A girl I grew up with who wanted me for a boyfriend but had already come out as a lesbian became a best friend and at times a lover even when I was already taken and lasted a few decades. She wanted to live the straight life for the normalcy but couldn’t give up women. Unknown to her was her need for men was just the need for control of them sexually and was sexually molested by her father. Even being deeply drawn to women her relationships with them never lasted much more than a year and usually ended abruptly. She had been to therapy every few years but never made gains. Sadly I figured out what happened to her in figuring out my own life and after no longer having the need to be hurt sexually by her... our life together then was in the distant past. My need for her at the time was what I thought was love, but was just an echo of being sexually molested by a mother who hated men. Your post reminds me of having something unknown in my upbringing which shaped my life and caused a lot of confusion. I had also tried both sexes.
Hello, Thank you for your replies. Everyone was right-- people on here are so helpful and compassionate. Thank you for sharing your stories with me. My heart really goes out to you. BlueBear- your insight is really incredible. Although never sexually abused, my childhood was a very rocky one and I do have a complicated relationship with my father. I think if anything it led me to be compliant and people-pleasing, making it hard to examine what it is I really want and who I really am. As for "not being able to give up women," I have the opposite problem, where it seems like my body desires them but I can't imagine translating that into reality. Maybe because I don't have any close lesbian friends, but even when the opportunity has presented itself I haven't been interested, or maybe just not mentally prepared. Thanks again for sharing your story, it sounds like you have gone through quite a lot of pain. I hope you are in a better place now. Ellie
Hi SoulJourneyer, I have been thinking since this last conversation. I am just wondering if you have any advice on how to cope with your thoughts and feelings about the situation as they arise. I often find myself feeling overwhelmed, conflicted and depressed. I have tried many things, but it is tiring and I hate to burden those around me. I know there is no quick-fix, but maybe you have some wisdom that you can share. How do you feel day-to-day? What do you do to accept your situation without letting it get you down? Thanks in advance, Ellie
