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Baby Steps are better than nothing I suppose...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Qu_, Dec 28, 2006.

  1. Qu_

    Qu_ Guest

    As the title implies...I did it sort of indirectly. Indirectly because those weren't the people I wanted to come out directly to, but not willing to keep lying. Hopefully they took the hint.

    Anyhow- it went like this. Me and some of my female friends had been hanging out for almost the whole day, and I had no trouble just being myself. I consider myself one of those people that is fairly flamboyant, but only enough to where people assume I'm just comfortable with myself. Anyways, I was watching them do makeup tonight before they went to a party (one which I could not attend because I had to get home and do some things still tonight) and some offhand comments about me had me aware that they suspected. Things like "...god, you're such a girl doing your hair while we do our makeup", "...you mean you actually own a straightener?", and when they were mentioning they were secretly loud black women on the inside I said "I'm definitely NOT a black woman on the inside" to which on of them said "yes, you're a white man, wait no, white woman". Those comments persisted through the day, and finally, on of the friends finally said, "John, can I ask you a personal question?"

    Now, at this moment I had a few options. Part of me said I could just say yes, and when the obvious question arose, I would answer truthfully. However, I ended up saying, "I'm a pretty perceptive question, and I'm sure of what you are going to ask, so let's do this. You don't ask the question, and I don't answer. Then, you can interpret that however you want." Hopefully I wasn't TOO tactful, because surely I couldn't have been more obvious. It might not be evident by what I've said here, but it was REALLY obvious that the question was going to be "Are you gay?" And I didn't want to lie, but I didn't want to have to come out and simply say it, if that makes ANY sense...

    But the sole reason behind it is this--I can't bring myself to outright say "Yes-I'm gay." I guess I don't have to courage, or the will, but it's really more like I'd be finalizing it. No more HOPE of living a "normal" life. I don't know. Any advice on actually VOCALIZING it? Any ways to build confidence in the matter?
     
  2. tired_of_lying411

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    You and I are in the same exact stage... I'm having the same problem.
     
  3. Sam

    Sam
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    you know I had the same problem with my mom and a friend my mom asked me and even though I wanted to say yes I said no I eventually told her but I didn't vocally come out to her and I still have a problem talking about it to her and can't say the word and with a friend I was on the phone with her fully intent on coming out to her and she actually asked me before I could tell her and again I said no even though I had planned on telling her during that conversation and she said well then what is it and she kept on trying to guess and I finally said that she already guessed it but I never actually said it in fact I don't actually remember ever vocally saying it to anyone it was all invertedly done and said by the other person or by me in a letter all except one and I was drunk then so yeah I guess its just hard to get the words out hopefully you can develop the courage some of us don't have to actually say the words out loud I guess it just takes time
    best of luck to you,
    Sam
     
  4. Micah

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    Hey Qu

    Actually voicing the fact that you're gay is a pretty big step. It's one thing to say to yourself "yes I'm gay", it's a whole new level to actually voice it to someone else (especially if they're close to you).

    I suppose there's not much I can add here apart from personal experience. For me, when I came out to the first few people face to face, we always got onto the conversation of sexuality. And i would push to get into the similar position you were in (where they would ask "well are you gay?").

    For me, I couldn't actually bring myself to say "I'm gay" or even "yes"...instead, I would kind of look at them and nod slightly. It might seem odd, but it made it a whole lot easier for me. There's something with actually saying words that makes it harder. Also, it made my friends to see how hard it was for me to tell them, so they were extra reassuring.

    I will add tho', that having friends who know about you and support you is one of the best things for your confidence in yourself and your sexuality. Good luck :slight_smile:
     
  5. Ditto what Dave said completely.

    Qu, I totally feel you on the "I can never go back" reservations you're having. Once someone else knows about something -- anything, not just having to do w/ this stuff -- it's like that thing reaches a whole new level of permanence and reality. But that's really just all in our heads, I think.

    I think one of the reasons it was hard for me to say, "I'm gay," to someone else for the first time is because I'd never actually said it out loud at all. I'm not sure if it will work or not, but maybe standing in front of a mirror and just saying out loud and confidently, "I'm gay," a few times will help you feel more comfortable saying it to a person. I know it sounds a little silly, but that's how a teacher of mine suggested I get more comfortable w/ a foreign language, and saying, "I'm gay," for the first time is definitely saying something we're not used to.

    Good luck, Qu!!! You're not alone.