So today I was at the mall with my mom shopping and I made a comment that I liked one of the shirts in the men's section. On the way out she looked at me and asked me if I was gay. Perfect opportunity, right? She had been hinting that she thinks something is up for a while, and started listing the clues I had given. She has always been a bit of a homophobe. I say bit, ha. I don't remember a time when she hasn't put us down. She says she isn't but then goes to talk about how immoral and ungodly it is to be with someone of the same sex. Recently she began taking a college course that talks about sexuality a lot which causes her to bring up the subject often. Of course I speak out about it when she does so and I think that might be one of the reasons she has been suspecting. In the past she has always vehemently been against it, but recently she has began speaking a little bit less condemning about it though still goes back and fourth. I have come out to everyone I know in the past few months, including my dad(though unfortunately someone else outed me to him) and my mom is the only major person I have left to tell. To be honest, the thought of coming out to her terrifies me. I want to more than anything but after already having one parent reject me for it, I don't know what I would do if she reacted badly. I worry because she is the most religious woman I know and homosexuality goes against her beliefs. On top of that, she is getting married in less than 2 weeks and I couldn't bear to distract her with something that I'm sure would be so heartbreaking for her when this is supposed to be a happy time. As you probably assumed, I told her no I am not a lesbian. I just couldn't do it. I feel like she didn't believe me though. She told me she would love me no matter what, but I can't help thinking she will changed her mind when she knows it is true.
If I had a nickel for every blown opportunity...you can't beat yourself up over this. There is no perfect time. Sometimes the situation isn't right, sometimes you choke up or get blindsided, sometimes a plan fails. She's your mother. She's taking back comments against gays and is coming around. She doesn't believe you when you say you're straight. It sounds like she knows and is okay with it, or at least wants you to be open about it. She loves you no matter what, gay or straight. Maybe she'll be a bit disappointed, but she'll surely still love you and deal with it in her own way. Seriously, I don't think it'll be an issue. Wait until you are ready, and then take the burden off of your back. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine.
I was wanting to wait till right before I leave for college, which would be next summer but I'm not sure anymore. I think part of why it alarmed me so is that she is the only person who has straight up asked me if I was without seeing or hearing about my girlfriend and it took my by surprise. That's another thing, I fear she won't let me see my girlfriend(to her she would remain my friend) for the sole reason that she is a girl and the same with the rest of my chick friends. Though honestly that wouldn't be a problem aside from my girlfriend because I mostly hang out with guys anyways. On a side note, she recently has been telling me not to "try girls" because she says I might like them. She equated it to trying and liking drugs. Oh if only she knew..
Hello Catop-- Your mom sounds like she's a little confused about what it is to be gay. But I agree with The Dude. Even though she speaks out about gays, it seems to be that she is reaching out to you, perhaps in the only way she knows how. She clearly suspects something, and she doesn't seem to be believing the answer you're giving her. Why she's so insistant on outing you, I'm not sure, but I have a feeling it's coming from a place of love. It could also be a result of things she's learning in her sexuality class, which I hope is about all types of sexuality. And if you miss an opportunity, I suspect it's because you're not ready to tell her yet. And that's that. No matter how hard she pushes you or how many times she asks you directly, wait until you're ready, at a time and place of your choosing. Only then will you be able to approach it calmly with her and answer her questions. If she forces you into coming clean when you're not ready, or your in an (perhaps) inappropriate place, like the public mall, I'm guessing you'll be more emotional, more reactive than proactive. I'm sorry your father rejected you because of your sexuality. I can't imagine how difficult that must have been. I do hope, though, it says something about him, not you. And I can understand why you would be hesitant to tell your mom after that experience. But you want to, she's reaching out to you--it seems to be a good situation, as soon as you're ready. I hope this helps. I'm sorry this situation is so difficult for you. --Zoe
Both of you are giving great advice and thank you. Zoe, I think the reason why she is so insistent is because she has always been nosy and a bit of a control freak i.e. insisting on knowing all of my passwords and going through my phone, facebook, ect. I keep going back and forth about wether or not I do because she seems to be going back and fourth. The other day when she asked me she seemed so positive and accepting, but just a couple of hours ago she called me just to talk down homosexuality once more. It really is very confusing.
Catop- Wow--no wonder this is so confusing for you. She is certainly not sending out clear signals. It's impossible to know what to expect from her if you do decide to come out to her. Her indecision and waffling is most likely just indicative of her own mixed feelings. Clearly, she hasn't made up her own mind about how she feels about homosexuals. That, in turn, makes it very difficult for you. No doubt, this is a very difficult situation for both of you. It may help you to think about your worst fears when it come to telling her. What are they? What do you fear exactly? Her anger? Her disowning you? Throwing you out? Refusing to support you financially? Then ask yourself, is the worst possibly thing I fear likely to happen? If so, am I ready to deal with it? And does the risk of this thing happening outweigh the benefits of telling her now, as opposed to later in life? Only you can answer these questions. There're tough questions, and your mother's erratic behavior are making them even tougher. I wonder though--if your mother is planning to react negatively to your news, why is she pushing so hard to hear it? I would think that if she fears your coming out because she thinks it's sinful, she would shy away from asking; she simply wouldn't want to know. Instead, it seems like she asks you a lot. Although, to be fair, you did mention you were dropping hints, and she may be picking up on these. It sounds like, though, she's ready to hear your news. Otherwise, wouldn't she just ignore all of your hints and mind her own business? Just some thoughts. Only you know your mom and the intricacies of the situation and only you can decide what the right thing to do is. I would, however, recommend waiting until after the wedding if you decide to come out. If there is tension between the two of you as a result, you probably don't want either of you carrying that into the wedding. I hope this was helpful. --Zoe PS: I love your avatar. Is that your cat?
I certainly have been debating about wether the benefits would outweigh the negatives. I recently realized that I have spent a lot of my life protecting her, per se, from things she does not know about me. I don't think she would disown me as she has always said that she will love me no matter what and I am choosing to believe her. Even so, she is an extremely emotional being who tends to overreact and constantly bring things up that she feels strongly about wether it be positive or negative. I think her tendency to be obsessive is part of the reason why she has been pressuring me to tell her lately. I feel like she will try to understand but will not ever fully be able to because she is so firmly attached to her spiritual beliefs. I primarily live with my dad so I am not worried about being kicked out or losing financial dependency. Like I said earlier, I don't think she would disown me or cut me off physically. I say that because my older brother moved out when he was 17, has been homeless a majority of the time, is a drug addict and refuses to come home and somehow he receives all of the favoritism from my mom. I suppose she feels like he needs to feel loved more so than we do due to what has happened in his life. I don't have any harsh feelings towards that behavior, I just thought I would mention it as it is a different traumatic event with her child. I apologize as I tend to ramble on :3 Oh and yes, my avatar is of my beautiful boy Oscar
Hi again. You mention your mom reads your phone and facebook etc...with that and her apparently constant bringing up homosexuality, do you think she's already figured it out? I'm not saying come out, but it honestly seems like there is no way she doesn't know with the way she's been acting, solely based on your posts. Also, I assume you're in high school. Could you wait until college, if you go to college, if you feel you're not ready to come out at home? Will you be moving out in the next few years? Can you talk to another adult, like an understanding aunt or teacher or friends parent? Lot of ifs here but something to consider... Both of my bros know I'm gay. They question me all the time and say they won't care. One day when one asked I just told him the truth. He doesn't care and neither will they other one when I tell him. They're my brothers, just like your mother is your mother. Your mother may know you better than you know yourself. I've basically said nothing, but maybe there's something of value in there. Regardless, keep your chin up. You have a girlfriend who likes you and hopefully a great group of friends. Your posts make you seem likeable...you have much going for you, don't let one elephant in the room ruin your day.
She eventually gave up on the going through my things like that because I tended to put up quite a fight with it, so she wouldn't know through that. Yes, I am in high school and am graduating next year. I was originally planning to wait until right before I leave for college but my mom's mixed signals are causing me to go back and fourth on the timing. I try not to let the elephant ruin my day, but I do recall that elephants are pretty large and hard to ignore! I can't help worrying about it, but I'm trying not to. Thanks for your advice though :3
Hi Catop, While you're mother's religious beliefs seem to be at odds with her potential ability to accept homosexuality, there's a lot here that suggests she won't take your announcement too hard. First, she says she loves you no matter what--and you're right to believe her. Like The Dude said, it may very well be that through your FB, phone, and the hints you've dropped (unintentionally or otherwise), she already knows and is sending you signals (however awkwardly) that it's OK to tell her. Second is the situation with your brother. That sounds really rough, yet your mother hangs in there with him. Surely taking drugs is against her religion--something about profaning the body? Anyway, he's in a tough situation, openly rejects your mom (by not coming home), and yet she still loves him and reaches out to him. I find it hard to believe she'd do anything different with you. That's not to say it make take her a while to make peace with it, and given her beliefs, she may never make complete peace with it. But that doesn't mean she won't love you. My brother did drugs for a long time, and while I love him, I certainly wasn't at peace with how he was behaving. But that didn't mean I didn't visit him and support him when I could. My mother is now deceased, but several years ago, her step son was thrown in prison for beating up his girlfriend. When I heard about it, I went ballistic. I went on and on about how he deserved to stay there until he rotted and I was open with my anger at my step-father, who went to bail him out. Now, my mother was on my side as far as beating up girlfriends is concerned, as I know my step-dad is, but she defended her husband. She said she totally knew how I felt, but "It's different when it's your kid." Maybe that will be the case with your mom. For her, homosexuality is "wrong" (at least some of the time), but it's different when it's your kid. Someone posted on another thread that many people are homophobic only until they realize someone they care about is gay. People fear and ridicule what they do not know. Maybe when you mother knows that being gay doesn't change who you are, her homophobic beliefs will start to fade. I also thought it was interesting that you mentioned you try to protect her. I try and do that for people in my life, too, but that really isn't our job. Our job is to be who we are. We can certainly be gentle with people as they come to accept what we have to say, but our job is not to protect people from our own truths, especially when those people are our parents. --Zoe PS Oscar is so handsome! What beautiful coloring.
