Unsure what to do

hey there honey! welcome to EC!

well why dont you go slow and try to make her change her mind? i mean like explaining to her that bisexuals do exist and such (without telling or hinting you are one), and that it has nothing to do with being greedy, maybe this way you can make her more receptive if you come out to her in the future :icon_wink

 

She may already be sensing something's going on with you. And she may be trying to convince you/herself that bi doesn't exist.

Will this change the relationship for you and what you want for yourself? Because telling her you're bi will probably raise that question.

 

Hello Unsure-

OK, I laughed out loud when I read that your girlfriend thinks A. Bisexuals don't exist and B. And if they did, they're greedy. What is she afraid of?

Have you explored with her why she thinks they don't exist and why she has such a negative reaction to them? And how she can have such a negative reaction to something she thinks doesn't exist? It's like saying you hate unicorns.

She seems scared of something. It might be worth your while to try to find out what that is. It might be something you can ally-without coming right out yet and saying that you're bi. Once she's more comfortable with the idea, you might find it easier to come out to her.

I hope this helps.

--Zoe

 

If you are bi-sexual and currently dating a woman what is the point of telling her. It’s a little like being straight and telling your girlfriend you want to date other women. She is going to expect that you are wanting to date men even with still being with her.

A lot of people use the term bi-sexual as a transition term to being gay which make the term confusing. So far I haven’t met anyone that doesn't prefer one sex over the other even if the degree is just a slight amount but don't I question that people are bi-sexual. I need to learn more about what it is like to be bi-sexual and see the world through their eyes.

 

Unsure--

Glad you liked my comment.

I totally see your point. By not telling her something that is this important to you and your identity, you feel like you're lying to her. So your situation seems to be that you're ready to come out to her, but you're not sure how she'll receive it. Based on some recent comments of hers, you're scared that she won't take it well.

It's difficult to remark on the importance of her comments, since I wasn't there and don't know the context in which they were said. But I think an important question is this: If she can't accept you for who are are, do you want to be with her?

I know it's cliched, but it's true. If she's going to reject you on the basis of this, what kind of foundation does the relationship have? And if the alternative is to keep lying to her, how can that be good for your relationship or for you individually?

I know, too, that this is so easy for me say, not actually being in your shoes. I truly believe, however, that someone who truly loves and cares for you has accepted you. Telling her that you're bi doesn't change who you are--you're still the same person she cared for before you told her. And if she can't handle it, as much as it will hurt, she isn't the person for you.

If you do decide to come out to her, then give some thought to the best way to do it. Envision what your coming out to her would look like if it were ideal: Are you face-to-face? Do you write a letter/email in order to give you a chance to compose your words and her a chance to compose herself before responding? Do you want to tell her in a public place? Private place? There are no wrong answers here--you just need to do what is right for you. Your coming out is about you, not her.

And, if you do decide to come out to her, it sounds like there's fertile ground for discussion between the two of you. Perhaps answering her questions/fears will help her see your side of the situation.

Hope this helps--
Zoe

 

Please keep us updated about this! I hope everything works out.
I think if she sees how difficult it is for you to open up about this, if she's a decent person she'll try to handle it well for your sake, even if her initial reaction isn't so positive.

 

Hello Unsure,

I don't know how old you are, but I can assure you that age has nothing to do with how easy it is. There are many of us here, myself included, who are just coming to know ourselves in middle age and are struggling to find way to tell the people we care about and who care about us.

That may not sound like good news, but maybe it helps you to know that you're not alone in this. Don't be hard on yourself--this isn't easy stuff to deal with, and we all struggle with telling people at first.

--Zoe

 

If it makes you feel better, I'm 42 and on my second marriage. That should tell you something about my ability to repress/deny my sexuality.

You may want to check out the LGBT Later in LIfe Forum if you haven't already. Lots of stories there--I've learned from many of them.

--Z

 

Hey there, Unsure-

I did the exact same thing when I told my husband. I came out to him, and then, in order to avoid hurting him any more, I back off from saying I wanted a divorce. Now I'm in a strange position because he's hoping we'll stay together, while I know that's not a possibility for me.

The only thing for me to do is come clean. I think the impulse we felt was a kind one--we didn't want to hurt someone we care about, but without being completely honest, we're hurting them and us.

It's going to be hard for me, and it's going to be hard for you, but the best thing for both of us is to be completely honest with the people we care about and who care about us.

--Zoe

PS--I am glad to hear she took it well.

 

You would actually be hurting both of you. You'd be lying to your girlfriend and allowing her to believe you're someone you're not. Eventually, you'll probably get to a point where the desire to act on the feelings is irresistible. Your choices will be:

1. Continuing repressing--not fair to you.
2. Break up with your girlfriend, therefore perhaps delaying the inevitable
3. Cheat on her--not fair to her or the person you become involved with

I've had to learn this lesson the difficult way. Ultimately, we are responsible for our own happiness. If we don't speak our needs, then we have no one to blame but ourselves. And life is far too short to be miserable or hating ourselves.

I know you care about your girlfriend, but you're also responsible for yourself. You owe it to yourself to be honest. It's better in the long run for everyone.

--Zoe

 

If you are going to try to have an honest, loving relationship with this woman, she needs to know who you are. If she can't accept you for who you are, it's not fair to either of you to keep trying to pretend to be something you're not. And I agree with Zoe. If it does come to the point where your relationship with this woman truly isn't meeting your needs, if I were her, I'd really rather you simply broke things off than cheat. Cheating is on a whole different level of hurting somebody (and yourself) than breaking up because the two of you don't meet eachother's needs.
Sorry, I hope that made sense! I kind of started babbling there, haha.