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Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by onlythebulls13, May 19, 2013.

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  1. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Hi everybody.....*Hi Dr.Nick!*

    Yeah so i saw my therapist yesterday and she was talking about dating and making myself more available for women and whatnot. She gave me a website to meet women and said she has other clients that are on the site she gave me and how its a pretty good one...

    So right there you would think that any normal person would use that opportunity to come out...but i didn't, i just sat there, nodding my head. Im starting to get really annoyed with myself for not having the courage to tell her im gay. I want her to know more than anything but i just can't bring myself to say it. i know shell be accepting and probably be able to help me out with my problems more easily if she knew who i really am.

    If i cant bring myself to say it to her then how will i be able to tell anyone else that im gay. i feel like such a loser, im constantly posting on here about this and i just can't do anything about being stuck where im at. i wish i was brave enough to come out. it'd make my life that much better.:bang:
     
    #1 onlythebulls13, May 19, 2013
  2. Unsurevirgin

    Unsurevirgin Guest

    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    Why Are u afraid ? She's just a person to help ppl that's her pay job she's not a family member so ur safe buddy :slight_smile:
     
    #2 Unsurevirgin, May 19, 2013
  3. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    I have no idea why im so afraid. trust me, I've gone over it several times with myself. There's no logical reason i can think of as to why i shouldn't tell her. i tell myself ok, just tell her next time and everytime i chicken out. and its not like i haven't had openings in conversation where i could talk about it in the flow of our convo, because i have...and today was like the biggest blown opportunity of all time...
     
    #3 onlythebulls13, May 19, 2013
  4. followtherabbit

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    you could very well try again but if you feel you just can't get it out maybe you could email it to her. I've given this advice to several people and I don't mean to sound like a broken record, or encourage anyone to take the easy way out, it just seems that this option is useful, but isn't always considered. f you told her over email then she would have the oppurtunity to confront you instead.

    Otherwise, i really think you need to tell her, it could very well change your whole life. She could help you feel more comfortable which could allow you to come out to others.

    What do you think?
     
    #4 followtherabbit, May 19, 2013
  5. Unsurevirgin

    Unsurevirgin Guest

    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    Picture ur therapist as a gay man a hot sexy smart gay man that's ur bf or best friend u can confide in.
     
    #5 Unsurevirgin, May 19, 2013
  6. Phoenix

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    Honestly though, a lot of dating advice can be generalized regardless of whether one is interested in men or women. Just that you'll probably need one for guys who like guys as opposed to one for guys who like girls. I mean don't get me wrong, I think it would only help you to be out to her; I'm just saying I don't think it's imperative in this given situation.
     
    #6 Phoenix, May 19, 2013
  7. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    @followtherabbit...i think that texting or emailing her would probably be my best bet. i think the only thing that has stopped me from doing that in the past is that i feel like its a bit of a cop out. but then again, thats how i came out to my best friend, texted him, he responded with wanting me to come over and talk...it was awesome to talk to him about it. its me feeling like i need to tell her in person to get that weight off my shoulders feeling...but im starting to realize that i can get that feeling through texting and talking to her later....wow thanks rabbit! i think i need some women friends in my life lol.

    @unsurevirgin... Hahahaha if i had what u just described.....melt......i need a man!!!! ahghhh!!!
     
    #7 onlythebulls13, May 19, 2013
  8. Chip

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    It's understandable. I was there myself, with two different therapists... it's all about shame and the fear that we won't be accepted, or that they'll judge us, even though, consciously, we know that's ridiculous.

    The key here is, *so much* of what you're doing in therapy revolves, directly or indirectly, around your sexual orientation, that it's almost pointless to be going to therapy if you aren't being honest with your therapist. It really goes to the core of who you are, and so I'd say whatever means you need to use... phone, email, text, a cake with an "I'm gay" inscription, smoke signals, semaphores, or sign language... do it like *now*.

    I promise you, she'll be fine with it, and it will make a HUGE difference in your therapy sessions, because you'll be able to do much deeper and more meaningful work.
     
    #8 Chip, May 20, 2013
  9. followtherabbit

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    haa you are very welcome, here to help with a my womanliness.(*hug*)
    You defanitley shouldn't feel like it's a cop out, because once you get it out through text (of any form), you can no longer avoid it, you are basically making yourself face it, that way it can't get stuck in your throat next time!

    PS; chip knows whats up, you need to share this nooow. You should totally write in on a cake. :eusa_clap
     
    #9 followtherabbit, May 20, 2013
    Last edited: May 20, 2013
  10. SimpleMan

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    Who doesn't love cake? :icon_bigg
     
    #10 SimpleMan, May 20, 2013
  11. BlueBear

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    I think you will tell her when you are ready. Maybe she hasn’t earned your trust yet. Her giving you a website to meet women would make me uncomfortable and unless you asked her for it... it seems like she doesn’t have proper boundaries. My last therapist didn’t have boundaries and turned out crazier than my parents. She started emailing me a lot and later got jealous of the people closer to me than her and one day just dumped me.
     
    #11 BlueBear, May 20, 2013
  12. RainbowMan

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    This. She seems to have no boundaries whatsoever - why does she think that you need to date? That being said, Chip, as usual, knows what's up here. You need to find a way to tell her, or alternatively find a gay male therapist (I have one, and he's great!) ASAP (I'm sure there's plenty in Chi-town) - definitely no judgements there, which is why I selected him particularly.

    Meaningful work with your therapist cannot begin until your sexual orientation is known, as I suspect that is (directly or indirectly) part of the problems that you are experiencing that caused you to seek therapy in the first place.
     
    #12 RainbowMan, May 20, 2013
  13. onlythebulls13

    onlythebulls13
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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    Thanks everyone.... i think you're absolutely correct chip. Its 12:38a here in chi town right now so i can't text her now. but tomorrow i am going to text her about it. i really need to get it done...the last two sessions felt like it was me just dancing around talking about any of my problems. i just hate feeling vulnerable.

    I think she mentioned the gf thing because i don't really have many friends and she thinks i should go out and socialize more. i hope she wasn't just saying it to get a read off of me about my sexuality... i do trust her, haven't had any issues with her...did feel uncomfortable talking about women though.
     
    #13 onlythebulls13, May 20, 2013
  14. BlueBear

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    When you tell your therapist it will add another layer of reality of being gay and the fear could be what if she doesn't approve.
     
    #14 BlueBear, May 20, 2013
  15. Chip

    Chip
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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    I wouldn't agree with the above. Without knowing the full context of what's going on in his therapy, there could be plenty of legitimate and therapeutically valid reasons why a therapist would be within her bounds to suggest specific strategies and even a specific website to help. Some therapeutic approaches are more interactive and can use more direct suggestion than others, and some therapists will take calculated risks if they feel it will be helpful to the client, so I don't think we can draw any reasonable conclusions about her competence or the quality of her professional boundaries from this tidbit.

    I will also suggest that having a gay male therapist isn't necessarily the best choice for every gay guy. While there are obviously some ways in which a gay male might be able to better relate to another gay male, the nature of the therapeutic alliance is such that there are very different dynamics and experiences that one has with a male and a female therapist, and *both* are really beneficial; ideally, I think everyone should have the opportunity to work with both male and female therapists, as the different dynamics and different unconscious material that can arise are really beneficial.


    One can certainly do meaningful work without disclosing one's sexual orientation; I saw a therapist for 2+ years before disclosing my sexual orientation, and I think it was likely largely *because* of therapy that I understood I was gay; I'd stayed mostly blissfully ignorant of that minor tidbit prior to that, and I did a lot of really good work that had nothing to do with my sexual orientation. However... in this case, since the therapy is directly working with relationships and the therapist is encouraging the OP to date, at that point, it's definitely crucial to disclose it.

    And a text message isn't a cop-out in any way; it rings a bell that can't be unrung, and so the work will start with the text being sent. The cake can be more fun, and I must admit I find it hysterical to imagine someone bringing in semaphores to a session and standing and holding them in various positions to communicate the message to their therapist. But a text will work just fine. :slight_smile:
     
    #15 Chip, May 21, 2013
  16. ilovebears

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    Re: Therapist thinks i should start dating more actively...she still doesn't know im

    Semaphores... smoke signals... Wuthering Heights... awesome
     
    #16 ilovebears, May 21, 2013
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