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Should I come out?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by evora, May 21, 2013.

  1. evora

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    I want to come out to my grandparents but should I do it, knowing they are disgusted by homosexuality? And my grandmother told me just yesterday when I told her I support gay rights that they already have more than enough rights, etc. and not to become one of them and that she doesn't want to know anything about their sexual deviancies and lifestyle choices. She's also told me a couple of times when I brought it up that homosexuality is distasteful, unnatural and an abomination. (She probably thinks it's an illness as well.)

    Knowing all this, I still want them to know, even though I'm sure there's nothing I could say to chance their minds/educate them what being gay really is like. But I need to know if they'd still love me and be nice to me if they knew. They are my family and we are close but it would make me feel horrible if they said I didn't know what I was talking about or that I was disgusting, etc.

    What should I do?
    For some reason, it's my grandmother I really want to know, I don't know why. Even though out of the two of them, my grandfather is the lenient one, my grandmother is the one that 'tells' him what to do. Not in a controlling way, more like if you wanted an ice cream or something you should ask him to buy it because he probably would. Not that my grandmother wouldn't but she's the more reasonable one when it comes to the demands of my 8 year old cousin...

    Their opinion and possible reaction to it is on my mind more and more, especially when I spend a day with them and have a very good time. I can't help but wonder if they'd still be like that if they knew. I really need to say it but I'm scared of what might happen and of how they'll react. Their opinion of me might change. They might call me stupid and confused or they might say I'm mentally ill. They'd definitely think of it as a disgrace.
     
  2. Mysz

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    I think you should tell them. It could turn out for the better- they would still love you, even if they feel uncomfortable or even disgusted by the notion. They might try to understand why you are the way you are, and ask lots of questions. On the other side, they might take it badly, be angry, or refuse to talk to you. You have to be prepared for both; but in my opinion both outcomes are better than living with the uncertainty of what might have happened. If you enjoy yourself around them and they love you a lot, then they might still be angry/uncomfortable, but attempt to understand.
     
  3. freedom200

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    yyyyyeeeeeeeeesssssssss!!!! THA TRUTH WILL SET U FREE!!!!!!
     
  4. andrew23

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    I'm going to speak from the heart here because I have also considered what would happen if my grandparents knew. My grandparents are extremely religious and would probably react in the same way as yours, if not worse. For me, I honestly could live with myself if they never found out. I know you have the urge to tell them, which is probably frustrating, but make sure you're making the right decision. I don't know your grandparents, but if they are like mine they are old and set in their ways, and coming to accept something like that would take a very long time (if ever). I really want to tell you to come out and hope for the best, but I honestly don't think that's a good idea. I wouldn't want to risk the relationship I have with them and seeing them look at me with disgust would kill me, as I'm sure it would for you as well. So make sure you know exactly what you're getting yourself into. You sound like you really love your grandparents and I hope all goes well :slight_smile:
     
  5. Zoe

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    Hi Evora,

    Tough question. I would begin by asking yourself why it is so important that they know your orientation. You mention you're not sure why it's important, but I would recommend pushing on that a little more. For example:

    1. Do you want them to know because you love them and you want them to know who you truly are?

    2. Do you want them to know because you're uncomfortable pretending to be something you're not around them (by your silence) and it's getting in the way of an authentic relationship with them?

    3. Do you want them to know in order to possibly change their opinion on gay rights?

    4. Do you want to test their reaction to the news or test their love for you?

    5. Do you have someone in your life that you want them to meet and get to know and you can't fully do that unless they know you're gay?

    6. Have you explored why you grandparents feel this way? Does it spring from religious beliefs? From a bad experience in the past? Perhaps having a discussion with them that encourages them to explore not just how they feel but why they feel like that? What do they believe about gay marriage and why exactly do they feel it's wrong? You may be able to dispel some myths for them and help them see that a person's sexuality is only a small part of their overall identity. As you uncover their feelings, you may discover things that will make it easier for you to decide whether to come out to them or not.

    And of course, some combination of these things or something entirely different.

    Then, weigh your reason(s) against their possible reactions. I agree with Mysz--they may be much more supportive than you think, but you should be prepared for them to not be supportive at all.

    Some things to think about:

    1. Are your reasons for wanting them to know important enough to outweigh the possibility that they will reject you? Is it worth risking the relationship you have with them now?

    2. Is it better to simply keep this information to yourself for now for the sake of keeping the peace with them? For example, do you have reason to believe their time on earth is limited? Are they old or sick? Would it be better to simply enjoy this time with them?

    3. Also, keep in mind that it may take a while for them to digest the information. You may chose to tell them and they may initially react negatively. But given the time to take the information in and realize you're the same granddaughter they've always known, they may come around. Don't despair if they don't immediately embrace your new (to them) identity.

    I'm making no judgements about any of this. Only you can decide--only you know your heart and can weigh the possible outcomes.

    Having said all of this, while your grandparents seem very set in their ways, sometimes people can surprise you.

    I hope this helps. If you're comfortable enough to do so, please post back and let us know what you decide and if you told them, how it went.

    --Zoe
     
  6. evora

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    That's my biggest worry and I'm not sure I could take it if they thought I was disgusting. In fact, I know their views on homosexuality and the situation is not very encouraging.:frowning2:
    She doesn't even have to say anything when the topic is brought up, her expression alone is enough to make me feel terrible. That should be an indication to me as to what to expect, maybe I'm being very optimistic/unrealistic and hopeful that surely they'd love me all the same but...
    I love them very much, a lot more than I love my parents. My relationship with them is what keeps me sane and I don't want to risk it, but for weeks now I've desperately felt like I have to let them know because I can't pretend anymore. After finally having realized and accepted that I was gay, I do not want to go back to how everything was before. I have to say something but what might happen is scaring me a lot.
     
  7. evora

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    I'm going to answer to your questions point by point to see how many reasons are for and against it. It's really down to that now. I can't decide what to do. I want to but I'm scared to do it alone.

    Yes.

    Yes to the first part. It's not in the way, at least for them it isn't and I suspect they (or at least my grandmother) know I'm gay (or just different) and for some reason I feel like she would prefer it if I didn't say it out loud because then she could ignore it and pretend it's not true.

    I don't think that would be possible. They might come to terms with it, after a while, but they would still oppose homosexuality in general. My grandmother says every time I mention it how unnatural, abnormal, sick and disgusting it is.

    I'm not sure. I'm scared of their reaction and if it was possible, I'd prefer not to see it at all, that's why I think I should hold out with breaking the news until I (hopefully) go away to college in September so they could have time away from me (or rather I could be away from them) and digest it for a while...That would be the best option but until then it's another 3 and a half months in which I'll have to lie and act 'straight' and feign interest in men, which I really don't feel like doing.:icon_sad:

    No but them knowing would make me feel a lot more free I guess and less guilty.

    I don't think it's because of religious reasons and I doubt they have ever met any gay people. Social norms more likely but the bible always seems to be a favourite thing to use as back up.


    No it isn't if I'm being honest but I want to be honest with them and I don't want to pretend to be someone else around them. My reasons are entirely selfish.:icon_sad:

    I'm not sure. I definitely want to enjoy being close to them as long as I can because I love them very much but they're only 65-66 and they could still live for another 20 years or at least 10 or 15.. and I'll be 21 in a few months. If I kept this quite, I'd feel like I'm living a double life when I'm 30 (because by that time I'll probably have someone...) My problem is that I can't enjoy myself fully with them. For weeks, every day I've spent with them and had a good time, I went home and felt so guilty and confused and scared that they wouldn't have been that nice to me if they knew...:icon_sad:

    This is why I should wait until September... and I know I should but it's killing me not being able to say anything.:bang:

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2013 at 08:08 PM ----------

    They wouldn't try to understand.:frowning2: They think it's an illness and my grandmother told me very clearly not to become 'one of them'...
    But not telling them is making me feel physically ill. I could always get very nervous about things but this is a whole new level... My throat hurts, my stomach, chest, head and eyes hurts as well. I'm so scared it's ridiculous!:rolle:

    What's making me feel even worse is the fact that I'm almost certain my grandmother knows. And she's happy to ignore it (as long as I don't mention it) !! Which makes me a bit angry. She thinks it's a choice and that there is only one way to live your life, i.e. women should marry men and have children...
    Yet, she doesn't behave any differently with me. Looks at me the same way, makes me laugh at certain things which she's always done, except... she doesn't want me to be myself. It's one of those things like your parents/family will love you as long as you do what they want you to do...
    But I don't want to get angry with them, although that might be the only way I could tell them I'm gay. Angrily. But that's not how I want to do it...:bang:

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2013 at 08:10 PM ----------

    In a way... and doom me in others.

    ---------- Post added 22nd May 2013 at 08:17 PM ----------

    Thank you everyone for your help! I'll really need to think about this and your questions made me look at it from a different light. I'll probably be thinking about it for the next 3 months but I don't want to make it any worse either. I'm not even sure anymore if coming out would make me feel better. It might take away the burden of having to lie but their resentment and disgust would probably make me want to kill myself...
     
    #7 evora, May 22, 2013
    Last edited: May 22, 2013
  8. Zoe

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    Evora,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to answer all of my questions--not for my sake, but it does help me know a little more about what's going on with you. Clearly, this is a huge struggle for you, and I don't want to belittle that struggle at all. It's very real, and it's causing you very real fear and anxiety.

    Before I say anything else, I want to say this: There is absolutely nothing selfish about wanting to be who you really are. Nothing. It is natural and healthy, even if it's difficult. This issue is really not about your grandparents--it's about you. Your sexual orientation has nothing to do with them. Yes, it may make them angry, but that's the reaction they choose to have to you. You didn't make it happen--you would simply be being yourself.

    As important as your relationship is with your grandparents, and as much as I can understand why you are hesitant to do anything to disrupt it, I'm worried about how your described the way keeping this secret is making you feel. It's literally making you sick. To me, that's an indicator that the situation has become intolerable. You're sick about your secret, you're sick about not being able to be truth around them, and you're sick with fear about their possible reaction.

    Ask yourself, is it worth it? The answer for you may be yes, and if it is, that's OK. But what's important, I think is that you make a choice to tell them or not to tell them and then act on that. Let whatever you do be a conscious decision, not simply something you drift into or end up saying out of anger. And if you chose not to tell, you can always revise that decision later on. But be at peace with whatever decision you make.

    Something else occurred to me as I read you post: Your grandmother's continued (and apparently frequent) opposition to homosexuality may stem from her own latent homosexual tendencies. Now, I don't know her, of course, and I could be way off base, but the people who speak out against gays the strongest tend to be hiding from something within themselves, consciously or not. Perhaps your grandmother has also had these feelings, but because of the time or place in which she grew up, was unable to express them or maybe she felt too guilty (or sinful) to express them and turned to self-hatred instead, which comes out as hatred toward homosexuals.

    I admit I may be way off base here, but I couldn't help but think that as I read your response. It would explain a lot, I think.

    Whatever you do, take time to think it through. Don't act out in passion or you may regret it. Whatever you decide, be true to yourself, which may mean honoring your love for your grandparents, and be at peace.

    --Zoe
     
  9. Bobbybobby99

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    Since my grandmother is probably going to die in a few years because of how heavy a smoker she is, I have decided not to tell her. However, if they are not in danger of dieing soon, I mimic the comment up on top, and say...

    DA TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
     
  10. evora

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    Thank YOU for taking the time to answer!:slight_smile:
    .
    After reading your suggestions, I more and more get the feeling that it's not worth coming out at the moment...But it's good that I could come to that decision because the last thing I'd want right now is to fall out with my grandparents.

    I don't think that's the case. They are one of the most happily married couple I know and that's always been my impression of them.

    I'll think about what you said. I can't tell you how much I appreciate you help.(*hug*)
     
  11. Zoe

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    I'm so glad I could be of help to you, Evora. I'm so sorry you're struggling. I know how difficult this is for you.

    There is no right or wrong in this--there is only what is best for you at this moment.

    My thoughts are with you--

    --Zoe