Thinking about posting this on Facebook.

I was thinking about sharing my story of dealing with being trans* and having mental illnesses with others on Facebook. Let me know if you approve or not.

“Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life.”
― Steve Jobs

This is going to be difficult to post, but I might as well to get my story out there. Get some popcorn and a drink since this will be a while, as it's very personal. Maybe if I share my story it will inspire others. We'll see.

Life hasn't been the easiest for me and it was always a big puzzle and a challenge. It wasn't easy, especially where I was growing up. Some of us say we were the odd kid in class, but I was that weird outcast of a kid. As a child I spent my time reading books that were clearly beyond me and I had such a drive to learn things. When I was six years old I wanted to be a chemist and astronomer by day, and a Power Ranger by night. By seven I was already trying to fill my head with things like American History, Astronomy, different functions and I was even contemplating things like the Universe and if there's life out there, humanity, reincarnation and life after death. I was the poster child for "weirdness" as a kid.

Along with being weird in the sense of how my thought process worked (and how I was a socially awkward turtle), I was also different in a sense of who I was. Being short and obviously very chubby was one thing, but how I clearly wasn't like other kids; and clearly people around me saw it. This isn't something that was there since those early elementary school years, no. It was something people saw I guess much earlier. I felt something inside, which always ended up coming out to the surface some how. With these feelings came outbursts during daycare, comments I can barely remember from people and early issues with body esteem that weren't attributed to my weight.

The feelings stuck around, and I must have made multiple attempts to subconsciously bury them because at times I forgot they were even there. As the years went by, I started to descend into what I'd be diagnosed with at 16 or 17 with as major depression and general anxiety. The feelings would come and go until the 2010 when I couldn't deny them anymore when they felt like a burning inferno. It was time I finally just accepted them; I was transgender.

Going back to school after that summer of realization was the hardest I had to go through. I was dealing with body dysphoria almost every day and it made getting out of bed to get through very difficult. I was afraid I would have to repeat the school year because I was leaving school early into the day because the anxiety and depression brought on by the dysphoria made it almost impossible for me to get past 6th period lunch. The anxiety also brought on physical aliments like stomach aches and headaches. It reached a point where one of the nurses asked to see my arms under my arm warmers to make sure I wasn't hurting myself.

School was hell. It didn't help that I wasn't at one of the best where I don't think I was the most liked and with my anxiety going through the roof, I was having nightmares that I was going to be harassed, assaulted or killed by someone if I ever got outed. Being in a place where I was afraid to be myself and I couldn't made trying to get through the year an almost impossible feat. By the end of the year, just as the light was at the end of the tunnel, I had a big breakdown that resulted in me seeing my guidance counselor who recommended I see a therapist; and just a week or so later I was--where I came out during the very first session. It's going to be almost two years since then.

From the first day of therapy to now has been some of the toughest I've faced so far. I'm still not as far along into transitioning as I would like to be and I still struggle with depression, anxiety and self-hate brought on by body-esteem, dysphoria and other triggers. On May 11th 2013, my troubles got the better of me and I was hospitalized for four days. Now I'm back home and I'm out to more people than I have been in a long time. I continue to struggle with my mental illnesses and gender dysphoria, but I'm chugging along. Despite all of this, I'm starting to find a hope to hang onto and with that. A hope I have the will and guts to carry on to achieving happiness and being the person I know I am. I know the road won't be paved and it will be rough, but if it means I'll be happy in the end, then it's worth it. It's just a matter of hanging on and enjoying the roller coaster ride that's a-coming.

Bruce Lee once said "Don't pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one," and with that I think it's time I stop wishing for things to get easier when I should start finding the strength and power to get through this. If I can survive a thousand hurricanes, then I can make it through this. But I can't do it if I continue living this lie for people. I've spent 19 years of my life trying to be somebody else, and the last three I've spent doing my best to accept who I am while living in a world that doesn't. Tomorrow is never guaranteed. Live each day like it's your last with no regrets, or at least know when you go to bed at night you did the best you could and you made it.

Life begins now.​

 

I showed it to a friend and my ex who I'm close to and they said to share it. It's gotten three likes and this comment;

"I'm very proud of you for posting this . I love you for the amazing person you are. You're kind caring and intelligent. & being yourself just makes you a better person "

 

I posted it on a Suicide Awareness group. I figured I'd share my story since I struggle with depression, anxiety and I was hospitalized recently.