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Coming out advice

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by shane24, May 23, 2013.

  1. shane24

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    I'm a 22 year old male. I'm having an extremely difficult time accepting my sexuality. I have constant fear and anxiety of the unknown. Will I go to hell? Will my family disown me? I can't live with these thoughts any longer so I thought this forum would be a good place to seek initial advice. What are the steps I should take? How do you overcome these uncertainties. I just want to be happy and confident on who I am.
    Thanks for listening.
     
  2. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Hi Shane,

    I'm sorry you're struggling so much, but I'm glad you decided to join the EC community. I think you'll find this to be a warm, accepting community. We have all been at various stages of this same journey and many people have wonderful advice to offer. Rest assured, you are not alone.

    The best thing I can recommend is finding someone you trust to talk to. Do you have a good friend you trust enough to talk through your feelings with? A member of your family? I also strongly recommend finding a therapist, if that's a possibility for you. They are very good at being objective and non-judging and can help you sort through your feelings.

    Also, I'm a big believer in keeping a journal as a way to work through your thoughts. You can "confess" things to paper without rik or judgement, and it may help you work through what you're feeling. And if you're worried about someone finding your journal, you can always tear up the pages or delete the file. You've still done the work of thinking through things.

    It might also be helpful to start to sorting through why you are so conflicted about your sexuality. Do you have religious beliefs that make you feel guilty or sinful? Do you feel pressure to confirm to society's idea of normal? And if so, where do those feelings come from? Do you have beliefs about homosexuality that go against what you're feeling now?
    Starting to sort through where this fear and anxiety is coming from will help you start to address these feelings productively.

    Above all, know you are not alone and there are people who love you and are willing to help you travel this road.

    I'm sure others in this community who have more experience than I will have even more to offer you.

    Thanks for being here and come back often.

    --Zoe
     
  3. shane24

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    Thank you for your thoughtful and helpful words Zoe. I have always grown up around the Southern Baptist faith so it's definitely hindering my coming out process. I honestly have repressed my feelings for so long I can't wrap my head around fully coming out. I have a difficult time envisioning my future because I fear the unknown. I recently had a session with a therapist for anxiety but I was too nervous to bring up my sexuality though I know it's the root of my insecurities. I want to go back and tackle my fears head on as I hope I will help me. As far as writing down the fears, it sounds like an excellent idea. However, my fears are so deep rooted I don't even really know what my main concerns are. I suppose being disowned by my family is a main issue. I do have supporting people around me but I've became so introverted on the issue I have difficulty addressing it with them. Thanks again for taking time to help me.
     
  4. Hefiel

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    It always makes me angry when I see LGBT ask questions like "Will I go to hell?". I'm not saying this is your fault though, it's the fault of the whole culture derived from religious beliefs.

    With that out of the way, no, you won't be going to hell for being gay. As far as being disowned by your family, it mostly depends on how extreme your family is regarding homosexuality. Certainly the possibility exist, but it's something you'll eventually have to risk. In such case, it would be better to wait until you are not dependent on your parents anymore, and that you are stable both financially and emotionally. If you have a partner as well, that would be great for support.

    If you're still struggling with your faith, you could always look to see if there are any gay-friendly churches nearby, as well as LGBT centers which may help provide you with more information to help you come to terms with it. If you're worried about your therapist's reaction to your sexuality, many LGBT centers typically know various therapist that are LGBT-friendly. You should be able to open up more easily with them in that case.
     
  5. shane24

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    I don't want to have this fear, I want to comfortable and happy. I can sense from your post that you're very confident and comfortable and that's wonderful. I'm not quite there yet. I do think my therapist would be accepting but I have to face that bridge on my own terms. Thanks for your time and consideration. I think the more I discuss it the more my true feelings and worries will emerge.
     
  6. Zoe

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    Shane,

    I can see the issues you're struggling with here, and I will offer what advice I can.

    As far as religion goes, I too am in the south, although I did not grow up here. I can certainly see, however, how it could get in the way of your coming out. You didn't mention whether you personally were a Baptist or Christian, and I'll tell you up front that I'm neither. But if God does exist, I have a really hard time believing he would punish people simply for being what He created them. That may be small comfort, but it's always been an issue for me as far as the church goes.

    I also know exactly what you mean about fear of the unknown. I let it rule me for a long time, and not just around the issue of sexuality. I worked on it with a therapist for years. He helped me think about fear in ways that were more productive. Basically, he asked me to envision my worst fear. What's the worst that can happen? Usually, that was enough to help me see that my fears were vague, not concrete. I was simply afraid, but wasn't sure why.

    Now, that's not to say you don't have concrete fears--you do. You mentioned worrying about going to hell and about your family's reaction. I can't really help you with the hell issue, but with your family, you may ask yourself, "What do I fear the most?" And then, ask yourself, "How likely is it to happen?"

    You may, for example, find that you fear your family disowning you--as you mention in your first post. Then, I suggest asking yourself some of the following questions, or something similar, no matter what your worst fear:

    1. How likely is it to happen? Is it really something to be feared or have I magnified the situation in my head?

    2. If it does happen, so what? Can I deal with it? How would I deal with it?

    3. Does the risk of this thing happening outweigh the positives of being able to be honest with them about who I am?

    There are no right or wrong answers here--it's simply a way to help make your fears concrete and approachable.

    Also, if you decide to tell you family, for instance, you may chose to talk to them about your fears: "Mom, Dad, I've been wanting to talk to you for a while, but I've been hesitant to because I'm afraid you might...." You may find that they will assure you that your worst fears will not happen.

    As for writing, I'm a believer that writing helps you uncover what you don't yet know about yourself or your thoughts and feelings. There's an saying, "How do I know what I think until I see what I write?" Just let yourself free write: write without worrying about the rules of writing--punctuation, grammar, spelling, etc--and just see what happens. It may help to write non-stop for a certain amount of time, say five minutes. You may be surprised at what you find out about yourself.

    I'm glad you're seeing a therapist. I know how hard it can be to come out to even them, though. I've started seeing a new therapist recently, and we've been talking about all of these issues. What kept running through my head was, "I know what the real problem is--I'm gay." But I couldn't bring myself to tell her.

    Until the other day. I just made up my mind, went in there, sat down and said, "I want to talk about something different today. I'm gay."

    It was like ripping a bandaid off. As soon as I did it, I was glad I had. She was warm and non-judgmental and acted like it was no big deal. Therapists hear things like that all the time. And she was and still is a huge help to me as I continue to work things out.

    None of this is meant to tell you what to do. Everyone is on their own journey and has to work things out in their own time and way. I'm only offering suggestions that I think will help you as you work through your feelings. I hope I'm being helpful.

    --Zoe
     
  7. Hefiel

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    I'm not really a very confident person to be honest. I've been in denial for a good 10 years before I came out, and I just reached a point where I stopped caring. You can't fight your sexuality. Actually, you can, but it doesn't work and you'll be miserable. It's like trying to fight with the wind, good luck with that one. As for those who are against homosexuality, they are typically people running in a hamster wheel hoping it will lead someplace else. It's a waste of time to even bother to listen to a word they say, you won't gain anything from it but pain and a headache.


    If you're having trouble telling your therapist face-to-face, you could try to do it using different means such as by emails, over the phone, or with a letter (which you'd have to give directly to your therapist, otherwise the secretary will be the one to open it). The sooner you are open about yourself to your therapist, the sooner he (or she) will be able to help you on a path to (psychological) recovery and acceptance.
     
    #7 Hefiel, May 23, 2013
    Last edited: May 23, 2013
  8. shane24

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    Thank you SO much for your solid advice. I'm excited to sit down and just write out my thoughts. I will let you know what type of relief it provides me. Also, I'm so glad you mentioned your experience with the therapist. It always provides comfort when I hear someone else is going through similar experiences, though I already knew it was the case. I think if I can manage I will schedule another appointment next week and try your method! I like the approach. I certainly HAVE to become more productive with my anxieties and live life again.
     
  9. Zoe

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    Shane--

    I'm so glad we could be helpful. It's wonderful to hear you sounding so upbeat! I hope things go well for you--I have a feeling they will.

    Please do keep us posted.

    --Zoe