I can't even come out to my school counsellor...

How about something in between email and saying it out loud face to face? Write it on a piece of paper and hand it to her at your next session. You don't have open with saying it out loud and you don't have to find a way to shift the conversation in that direct, but its not cowardly because you'll be right there to see her reaction and answer any questions she has.

The other thing I recommend is looking at yourself in the mirror every morning and saying out loud (even if you have to whisper it) but looking into your own eyes and saying "I'm a lesbian. It's a powerful exercise and I know it's helped me a lot. (*hug*)

 

Trust me, being out at university will in no way lead to your parents knowing. It's really the best place to start coming out, especially if you're going to a school where people are really accepting (which is a majority of them.)

There is really no 'coward's way out' when it comes to coming out. Do what you have to do. I remember coming out to a majority of people through text message, and they didn't mind at all.

Good luck!

 

Hi Islander,

I think I know exactly what you mean about having difficulty coming out to your counselor, even though you don't have any internal struggle with being a lesbian.

As someone who is just now coming out (at the age of 42), I can tell you that there's something powerful about telling someone for the very first time. Even though you're absolutely fine with it, that first time you tell, it travels from your head into the world and becomes real in a way it wasn't before. You can feel the weight of it, perhaps for the first time.

I know that's what I'm experiencing right now. The first person I told was my therapist. I was having the same issue you were having--part of me wanted to say something, but I couldn't seem to steer the conversation in such a way as to provide me with an opening to say it.

So one day--just a few days ago--I went in, and after some general chit-chat, I just said straight up: "I want to talk about something different today." It not only worked, it have me a sense of control over the situation. I was no longer waiting for someone else to create the opportunity for me to say something very important--I did it myself. That alone made it just a little easier to say out loud.

I like Femmeme's advice about writing it on a piece of paper--it would really have the same effect and might be a little easier.

Anyway, I know this is tough. But you're not alone.

--Zoe

 

Hello Again--

I know what you mean about getting part way into a sentence and then changing it. This is really a tough thing to do--I admire you for being confident enough in yourself to want to tell her in the first place. But it's still hard, especially that first time.

So a couple of thoughts--you could do exactly as you said: come in and just blurt it out. Like you suggested, counselors are used to this sort of thing. And it may be that she's picked up on some of your hints, but doesn't want to invade your privacy and is waiting fo you to say something. If that's the case, she won't be surprised. And that's basically what I did. All the lead up I gave it is what I mentioned earlier--"I want to talk about something different today..." It sort of framed the situation, so she had a moment to realize something was coming.

You could write it down, as Femmeme suggested, and then hand it to her when you first walk in the door. It would have the same effect, but you wouldn't actually have to say it. That might be easier for you.

One thing that motivated me was that I knew I only had an hour with my therapist and that I didn't want to wait another week before saying anything. I didn't want to wait until it was late in the hour--I wanted to make sure we had enough time to talk about it as possible, so I said it right away. I also didn't want to get half-way through a talk and then have to wait a week to continue it.

You seem to honestly want to tell her, but that first step is scary. Don't be hard on yourself for faltering. This is important, difficult stuff.

After I told my therapist, it was really no big deal. She acted like it was perfectly fine, and no big deal to sit and talk about it for an hour. And I felt so much better. I had let it become something much larger in my head and had gotten myself worked up over something that turned out to be not so difficult after all. I have a feeling that's how you'll feel after you tell her.

Whatever you do, make sure it's how you're comfortable doing it. She's your counselor, and while your instinct to make the situation easier for her (by giving herself time to compose herself) is noble, it's unnecessary. It's not your job or responsibility to make this easy for her. But it is your job to be kind to yourself and come out to her in the way that makes it as comfortable as possible for you.

--Z

PS--Thanks for the congrats. I appreciate it, especially from someone who is going through the same thing and knows how hard it is.

 

You're right - it isn't easy, and I know exactly how you feel. I was in the same position you were in a few months ago. Firstly, you should know that your counsellor (who has already been helping you for some time) is someone that you trust, so coming out to her shouldn't be a problem! You already know that though, which is a good thing.

Secondly, don't tell yourself that there is an 'easy' or "coward's" way to do this. It's not something you have to rush, and there is no 'correct' way of doing this. I would highly recommend writing a letter, and handing it to her just before your session ends, which means that the next time you speak you will both be prepared and it won't be a shock. That's what I done when I came out to a teacher at my school. I was nervous and was seriously starting to hate my self because I too had the perfect opportunities and let them slip. But when the time came where I pushed my self, and told my self I need to stop beating my self up and do it. This man has been there for me for two years, and he's the kindest man I know and can trust. Why should this change anything? I didn't regret it a single bit, and he was more supportive than ever.

By giving her an e-mail or letter, you can write down exactly what you want without letting your nerves get to you as they would if you did telling her face-to-face, and it gives both of you time.

Remember, there are loads of us who went through similar things, and we're so grateful that we managed to do it in the end! (*hug*)