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Gay, married with children - wife told

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by JAMIE65, May 25, 2013.

  1. JAMIE65

    Regular Member

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    Location:
    Glos., UK
    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    I have been married for 15 years, and my wife and I have fantastic kids (oldest 12), but about 5 years ago, I stopped having sex with my wife and started going to the London gay saunas very occasionally, 2-3 times a year. I started going more frequently and then started having sex with guys. I felt so screwed up, I did some careful research and found a therapist who I started seeing a few months ago.

    It felt wonderful saying - unprompted - to another human being: "I'm gay", something I had wanted to do for ages. After a number of sessions (during which my therapist concluded, accurately probably, that I have always been gay (I am in my 40's and my first sexual experiences were gay, at about age 13 or 14)), I plucked up the courage and told my wife that I was gay.

    There were no histrionics and no tears or raised voices and though I am in the spare bedroom, family life has gone on normally. Clearly my wife had realised that there was something wrong with our relationship, so I think she feels a little relieved that (I) there was a reason; and (II) I was not passing her over for another woman. Since I am gay, she just didn't stand a chance!

    My wife and I have had a number of grown-up chats about the situation and how we are going to deal with my homosexuality with the children and me moving out and moving on. My wife has told her parents and one of her sisters. I have told 2 trusted friends, but no-one close to me. I want to tell my sister and my mother. I am pretty certain that they will both be OK with it (after the initial shock and disappointment), especially as I will be able to assure them that they will still see my children! My therapist strongly recommended that I do be honest with my family, and in his experience, parents in particular tend to accept the situation more readily than perhaps one might fear, as what is most important to a parent is their child's happiness. I am looking forward to telling them.

    My therapist also advised us seeing a family therapist together for dealing with the children, which my wife and I think is a good idea.

    However, does any one know of any support groups where I can meet with guys who have been through this, or are going through this? I live in Gloucestershire, though something as important as this is worth the effort of travelling if needs be.

    Many thanks for reading this.
     
  2. memyself

    Regular Member

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    It's really good that you have an understanding wife. That is really awesome. This situation could be really ugly if she wasn't understanding about it.

    However, my opinion on this type of situation that the kids come first. Kids need a family. The kids well being comes first. No matter what happens, no matter what you choose to do, do what's best for your kids. It doesn't matter what extreme hardships you must endure. You simply don't matter, or at least you don't matter until your kids go to college.

    I used to work at a daycare, and at times, I was extremely stressed out taking care of the kids. At times, I was simply miserable. But I eventually chose to ignore that. I forgot about my feelings and my hardships. I realised that I don't matter. The kids are what matter.

    No matter what you choose to do, make sure you're doing what's best for your kids. I think the happiness you'll get from being the best parent you can be will always triumph any personal hardship that you're going through.

    Best of luck :slight_smile:
     
  3. JAMIE65

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    Many thanks for that reply. When my wife and I have discussed me moving out, she has said she doesn't want me to be too close, and suggested ~4 or 5 miles was 'too close'. However, I do want to be on hand to help my wife with the kids whenever I can - picking up from school, ferrying to piano lessons or play-dates. I have also assured my wife that under no circumstances would my kids visit me at my new home, and find another guy with me there.

    I agree though, that managing the children is vital. The last thing we want is for the children to hear about my homosexuality in the playground, and so we think it is worth getting some advice from a suitably qualified therapist.

    I would love, however, to meet other guys who have been through what my wife and I are about to go through!

    Thanks again!
     
  4. drs

    drs
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    Jamie65, I hope that it's not to personal to ask, but how did you come out to your wife? I'm in a very similar situation (married 13+ years, 2 kids, etc). I've finally come to terms with who I am, and I know that I want to come out; I just have absolutely no idea how to do it.
     
  5. EddyG

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    Welcome Jamie! You should stop over at the LGBT Later in Life forum, there are quite a few of us in this same situation, married for many years (in my case 25), many of us with kids, before coming out to our spouses. It's not an in-person support group but it's the next best thing, it's an amazing group of folks who are very supportive and helfpul.
     
  6. Gaysibling

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    Congratulations, that's a huge step. I am glad to hear that it went well on the whole. You have freed yourself and freed your wife. It sounds as though you are both now in the position to start moving your lives forward. I look forward to hearing how things develop for you. Cheers.