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I think my boyfriend is gay?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by HatOnALizard, May 26, 2013.

  1. HatOnALizard

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    First off, a few things:
    1. I love gay people, my 24 yr old brother is gay.
    2. I have no idea where to post this so imma post it here.
    3. If my boyfriend turns out gay, I definitely want to support and be there for him.
    4. I just turned 17, Friday was my last day of Junior year of HS (w00t)
    5. I'm a girl/ accidentally registered male xD

    Sooo here's my little story. I met my boyfriend when I was in 5th grade. Well, he was just in my class. We never really talked but I had a little grade school crush on him, you know, the norm. In 5th grade, since the teachers wanted to prepare us for Middle School (Middle school here is 6th-8th), we had these two classrooms that met in the middle which we shared bathrooms and stuff. Definitely my favorite grade ever.

    Anyways, his best friend was in the other class and it was an ill-kept secret that they had little schedules written down so they could use the bathroom at the same time and meet in the little middle area, cuz our classes had different recess times. It was kinda cute.

    Well, let's continue the story. In middle school, we had a class together and we talked sometimes. I was always shy around him and my friends would tease me for it.

    Then, we started HS. We (ironically) had all the same classes in Freshman year. I was beyond happy. We started chatting a lot more, hanging out instead of eating lunch, etc. He was/is still best friends with the kid I'd never really got to know until we started dating. They were connected at the hip through Middle School, but kinda broke off in Freshman year. They started getting close again in Sophomore year, which is when me and my BF started dating.

    Anyways, I'd like to make up some fake names (for privacy purposes). Let's say my boyfriend's name is Jack, and his best friend's name is Ryan.

    I really became friends with "Ryan". He's extremely sweet and adorable. He's a bit shorter than the other guys (5'6) and is the fastest runner in the school. He has great grades and everyone knows he's going far. He's kinda like a mini hipster. Seriously I just wanna squeeze his cheeks.

    Lol anyways, After winter break Sophomore year, they were full blown BFFs again. They were again attached by the hip. Our HS isn't too big nor is it tiny. I'm not sure the exact amount, but probably around 700. Most of us know each other. Everyone calls them... um the insulting F word all the time, but not in a negative way. It's just that they're so close that everyone teases them.

    In the middle of Junior year (this year) I pointed out to "Jack" that him and "Ryan" were getting maybe a little too close? I regret that now. It's not my right to say that, but I was kind of a beyotch this year because my mom was verbally abusing me (taken care of now). They kind of stopped playing around in a gayish way after that.

    This year has also been kind of hard for me because me and "Jack" would have plans to go to an amusement park for weeks on end but he'd blow me off last minute for "Ryan". That kind of depressed me.

    My friends have been pressuring me to end it with "Jack" because he's obviously in love with "Ryan". I've never noticed it, but my friends say that "Jack" looks at "Ryan" like he just wants to kiss him to death. Maybe I'm just not observant.

    Should I confront my boyfriend? Should I end it, and should I hint why? Should I let him come out on his own?

    If he's gay (which I'd be fine with, obviously), I want to start dating other guys this summer/next year, but stay really close with him.

    Before anyone says this is fake because I seem sort of emotionless, it's because I honestly am fine if he's gay. I don't want to hold him back, and the last thing I'd want to do is end up marrying him or something and him coming out after that. I've read some stories. :frowning2:

    Anyways, what's your guys'/Girls' opinions?
     
  2. Dans le placard

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    First of all, let me say that your heart does seem like it's in the right place, so don't be worried about that.

    Have you talked to your brother at all about the situation with your boyfriend? He may be able to give you some advice, and he'd be connected enough to your own life for it to make sense. As a stranger on the Internet, I don't know whether your friends are being gossipy or not, or whether "Jack" and "Ryan" seem to be having something more than a bromance or not.

    Anyway, if you really feel like you want to amicably break it off with your boyfriend, then I would consider doing so. If a relationship is making you feel unhappy or uneasy, then it may be best to call it quits. The fact that you'll have to see him again in school every day may force you to come onto amicable terms, even if you don't want to. When you talk to him, you could hint that you think he might be gay, but be subtle and sensitive. The last thing a closeted person would want is to have someone drag them out the closet. Again, your brother may be able to help you with the wording there.

    By the way, you can change your gender if you click on your username on the top of the page, then edit it in your "about me" area.
     
  3. HatOnALizard

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    Aaw, thanks for the nice reply. :slight_smile: I really want to just understand. He's never been the kind of boyfriend that likes to have full-blown makeup sessions. I thought/think/idk it was because he was being a "gentleman", you know? I really want to know where his heart lies, and if he's gay, start dating others. I don't want to come off as rude or anything, but if he's hiding it, he's holding us both back right now..

    And what I know from reading several posts on this forum is to never force someone out, like you said... but it's frustrating me.

    My brother told me he was gay when I was 13 and he was 20 and just moving out. I was the first person he told. We've always been really close. Anyways, I promised to keep it a secret and he came out to my parents and our close friends at a memorial day (ironic or what? Haha) gathering 2 years later, or 2 years ago... I've never really "talked" to him about it. My brother is an extremely "cool" guy.. he doesn't stress out easily and his coming out was smooth. Or at least, that's what I think. I'd never know if he was internally struggling when he was a teen and I was young.

    I'm just gonna say it...

    I'm kind of hesitant to share this.. because I feel so bad about it.. oh my God. Pleaseeee forgive me for doing this. I've beat myself up about this every day. Around thanksgiving time 2012, last year, when me and my mom were going through a rough time, I was a basketcase. Not only were me and her arguing, but I thought my "Jack" was abandoning me. Me and him were hanging out, which we rarely did at that time. We were randomly watching animal planet, he got a text, I saw it was Ryan, he was laughing, not paying attention to us, and I blurted out "Do you love Ryan more than me? Because it ******* seems so. Why don't you just leave now?" And he did. I felt terrible.

    -sigh-
     
  4. Browncoat

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    Just to let you know, your emotions are coming through (fear, worry, frustration, etc.). You needn't worry there. :thumbsup:


    Now, in regards to Jack's orientation. Short of watching he and Ryan make out, or at the very least, say, holding hands around school - do not outright assume Jack is gay, or Ryan for that matter. Without some proof there's no need to jump to conclusions.


    However, it would seem you've made it apparent, particularly so at the end of your last post, that you suspect him to possibly be gay - and have very much so implied your suspicions toward him. So I'd be shocked if Jack wouldn't at least be expecting the "so...are you?" question from you. And since Jack didn't outright deny it I can imagine he's at the very least questioning his orientation - unless he somehow completely missed the point of your blatantly pointing out his affinity for Ryan.


    That's where I'm not sure where to go forward with my advice. I'd say, however very tentatively, that you should ask him about it. But other posters may have a better idea of what to do :/

    I would also say I'd evaluate the relationship on not just whether or not Jack is gay, or loves Ryan - but rather whether you feel being in this relationship is worth it for you. Just keep the question in mind.


    But again I'd like to qualify that I'm no dating expert, lol. Best see what other posters say. And I wish you the very best of luck :slight_smile:.
     
    #4 Browncoat, May 26, 2013
    Last edited: May 26, 2013
  5. HatOnALizard

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    Yeah that's very true. I'll try not to jump to conclusions. :slight_smile: And I'm not too sure if he's gonna suspect it... I very rarely have outbursts like I talked about before. I can usually hide my emotions extremely well. Only when I'm down right frustrated do I burst.

    Thanks for the advice, both of you. I'll talk to him about it tomorrow (better soon than later)... wish me luck. -Crosses fingers for both of us :slight_smile:-
     
    #5 HatOnALizard, May 26, 2013
    Last edited: May 26, 2013
  6. Browncoat

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    Well now, there was a contradiction with my advice before I even posted! My bad. I suppose subtle would be good, but I still think talking to him about it, and attempting to get him into a comfortable space where he feels he could safely talk about it, without judgement....


    I don't know, I think that'd be fine. But I haven't the right to say so definitively. Jack could be going through any number of emotions, so it's hard to predict anything.
     
  7. Rainbow Music

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    I think that you should talk to him about it. Because the main ingredient in a relationship is communication. If you don't talk to him, you may never know if he is gay or not. He might be afraid to tell you unsure of what you'll think. Talk to him about it. Just bring it up casually. Let him know that you are perfectly okay with it. Let him know that it won't hurt you. You want the truth because as of right now all that's happening is you're both getting hurt emotionally.

    Kind of a similar situation in my life. I was dating a guy named "X", and we were doing just fine. In fact we were perfectly happy together. Then this other guy named "Y" came around, and my boyfriend started hanging out with "Y" and stopped hanging out with me. I asked "X" if he cared about "Y" more than me. "X" said possibly. I told him that I want the truth and that I won't get hurt, because as of right now, all i'm dong is hurting myself. So I asked "X" again. and he said yes. so i broke up with him. but we are still friends. hope that helps.
     
  8. remainnameless

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    I hope things go well, good luck :slight_smile:
     
  9. HatOnALizard

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    Welp... I'm glad that's over. I chatted with him on facetime (yep) this morning. It just slipped out. I calmly asked him "Are you gay?". He didn't even seem shocked. He is, and said he suspected I've known for a while.

    That was the most cliche thing to ever happen in my entire life. Wow. We talked for an hour and a half, and promised to stay closest friends.

    He told me he doesn't even know if "Ryan" is gay... and wants me to be with him when he comes out to his parents whenever he's ready. Maybe he'll visit here soon. :wink:

    Time to go cry while eating cookie dough ice cream and watching glee. I'm depressed and happy right now, they'll be mixed tears.
     
  10. Dans le placard

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    Well, that's good that things seem to have gone okay between you and your boyfriend. Don't worry about having such mixed feelings; things like this can indeed be very emotional. Stay good friends with him, as I'm sure he's a lovely guy. And if he ever wants support, I'm sure you could always point him in the direction of this site's forum and resources.
     
  11. Browncoat

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    This is one of those occasions where it was a pleasure to hear it was uneventful :slight_smile:.


    It hurts now I'm sure, buts that temporary and hopefully you can move on in kind (*hug*).






    ... completely unrelated side note: cookie dough ice cream sounds so good right now...:stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
    #11 Browncoat, May 27, 2013
    Last edited: May 27, 2013