I am slowly starting to figure out myself, which is good in a way but now it leaves with the problem ofcoming out to my friends and family. I am not entirely sure if I want to tell my parents or not. They seem to feel that I am predominately straight and that I will find a girl and get married and have a bunch of kids, blah,blah, blah. But I don't know what they would think if they found out that I am gay. I even doubt sometimes if I am just going through a phase or if this is actually for real. Lets just say that this a very confusing time for me. My friends don't know about me (at least I think so) and I don't know for sure how they would take it if they found out that I might be gay. I worries me a lot because I think I know my friends and I feel close to them, but I am not sure how close I am to telling about my inner feelings. I have at least one friend who I think I can talk to about this, but I can't seem to think about the right words to say. I am not sure if I just want to say flat out that I am gay or if I have this long drawn out conversation. I think that she is a good friend, I have known her pretty much all the way through high school. She seems very understanding, but I am a very shy and when it comes to this kind of stuff I can be kind of an emotional wreck. My other friends see me as a very funny person and sometimes we joke around about gay things and they probably think that I am just joking but they don't know that sometimes I am serious. I don't want to hurt the relationship with my friends but I feel the need to tell someone about my feelings. And I would prefer to tell my friends first over my family mainly because I don't have to live with my friends. Maybe I should just buck up and accept who I am and do something about it, but I am not sure that I can stand true to my decisions and actions.
Coming out to your friends is definately, imho, best before family. Once your friends accept you, you can work on your courage to come out to your family with their encouragement. While you work on your courage to come out to your friends, you can take peace here at EC . This is really a big step. Welcome : ) I hope that you won't feel pressured to come out too early if you still need time to figure out who you are. It can be very confusing, I should know since it was only a somewhat recent revelation that I was infact gay instead of bi... I'm still attracted to girls on occassion, as was the thing with my last gf except I realized that after I kissed her, there was nothing between us. I don't really conform to gay 100 percent, but I take that title since it best describes me. Give yourself some more time and experience to understand yourself better You are already very intelligent on this subject so I don't know how much that helps other than I hope it makes you feel welcome : ) (Just reading your other posts.. haha)
Thanks for the reply, it is good to just get things off my chest to a more accepting crowd. Letting these type a feelings dwell after a long period of time is no good, and it doesn't take a therapist to figure out that much. I am quite new to EC, so I hope that I can get a lot of advice and such here. Thanks again!
Based on your other posts, you seem to have quite a wealth of knowledge about coming out already. Keep in mind, though, that just because you're questioning your sexuality more and more doesn't automatically mean that you have to come out to someone right away. Do it when you're sure and ready. Also, don't force yourself to accept your homosexuality / bisexuality, but don't dwell on it, either. View it as just another part of who you are. That being said, having a support system like Paralyzer suggested is a great idea. It's really scary at first, but coming out to your friends gets easier the more you do it. Once you get it over with, it's a great way to boost your confidence before you tell family. So if you're going to start with somebody, go for the people that you know will be the most accepting, something that you've been contemplating already. If you have trouble articulating your thoughts or you feel "too shy" about your feelings, writing a letter is always an idea to consider. And I know it sounds cliché, but if your other friends are really going to be there for you in the long run, they wouldn't abandon you over something trivial like sexual preferences. If they still don't believe you after you told them, keep bringing it up and don't stop talking about it. With time, they'll probably come around and realize that you're not BS'ing. A lot of parents aspire for their children to get married and have kids, so your parents are really no different from anyone else's. If your future plans include kids / a husband, if you tell them, just reassure them that gay people can be mothers and fathers, too. I hope you don't mind me asking, but do your parents seem like homophobes? Try bringing up a gay or bi person like Ellen surreptitiously in conversation and see what they say. If you receive a rather poor reaction, or you're financially dependant on them, coming out to them is probably something you might want to put on the back burner for a little bit. I hope this helps, even just a little bit.
I was in that exact same place this time last year, and I know that it can be very difficult to tell the first person. When you are ready to tell them you can't really wait for the perfect time to tell them (because there never really is a perfect time) you just gotta make a situation where it just fells right to tell them. But after the first person it just get easier, utill it's time to tell your parents.....it's a major step, and I wouldn't recomend taking it untill you are financially independent of your parents, or at least sure that they will take it pretty well. I hope that this all turms out well for you, anb PM me if you ever need to talk! -BreTt
You're going through what practically everyone else here has gone through - so welcome to the club. EC is a great place to work through this stuff... As you said it just feels good to be able to express yourself openly and honestly without fearing the reaction. That's what I found to be the best thing about EC. Suddenly I belonged to a group of people that understood me and I could get comfortable talking about myself being gay. I'm sure you'll find that helpful as well. Just take your time in terms of coming out to people. Coming out to yourself is probably the hardest thing to do, so give it time. Parents are next hardest, so go with the friends next. And don't worry about making it a long, drawn out conversation. Just say it. The conversation will come naturally afterwards. Good luck - and welcome to EC!
Thank you for all the advice and support. Needing someone to talk to is important and I think that I can be pretty open here. I don't mind being asked if my parents are homophobic. To me it seems that they are too offended about being gay. I mean they watch shows like Ellen and Workout with jackie warner, both of those women are lesbian. However I have never known how they feel about two guys together intimately and I wouldn't know how to bring that up, whether by open conversation or by watching some TV show. There aren't too many TV shows that "support" gay relationships, at least not that I have seen. Thanks again for all the input, I am starting to slowy figure things out. I guess good things come to those who wait.
J Schuelke, you are absolutely right, good things come to those who wait. Take some time to yrself. You need to be in a position of strength to come out to friends and family, and as paralyzer suggested, coming out to yr friends first is yr best option. I would say from my experience that while yr parents may be a grey area when it comes to homophobia and their position on gay men, often they see only their son/daughter and not their sexuality. To clarify, when I came out to my parents (who are both in the army and have a long military lineage within their families) they reacted incredibly well, or rather my dad did. I was suprised as they had both uttered negative and at times homophobic or ingnorant comments about LGBT people. I took the time to get fully comfortable in my skin before coming out and having friends who understand yr predicament is an imperative. I don't know what I would have done without a strong support network, so, as Beth Ditto once put it; "Find yr People". Hope that helps RFB
Its so hard to come out and tell someone about a situation like this. One never knows how another person will react. It was hard for me to let my friends know. For now all I know is that my parents will most likely never find out.
