Gotta Sink Or Swim

Wow. It has been quite some time since I've been on here.

I'll try to make more of an effort to talk with these wonderful people. Anyway, lol....


So, here's the deal:

I am senior and graduation is in May. So far, the plan is to go to an amazing college in Indiana and live with my Dad and/or Grandma (their houses are literally a block away). And barring my indecisiveness about wanting to move up there, the biggest problem would be that they don't know I am gay. As much as I would just like to say nothing and all, I know I'd better say something, probably before graduation, because they are coming out to see me.

Now, my Grandmother is amazing and I really think she already suspects, but hasn't said anything. I really can't see anything negative coming from her. Now, I just have absolutely no idea how my dad will react at all. None.

So, my game plan that I want to put into motion is to email my grandma (I haven't talked to her in a while, so it will be an odd first email) and just straight up tell her. I'll also ask her how she thinks my dad will react (he's her son after all) and just go from there.

Is this a good idea, bad idea, better way to go about it? I guess I just need some input. lol

Now help me out, please.

Here's a dancing banana for your efforts. (!)

 

Yep, I thought of that. Now I just need to find time to write the darn thing. GAAAAAHHHH!

 

Okay, those are the words of support I needed to push myself to write it. I'll fill you guys in on how it goes. I am so freaking nervous.

 

Okay, this is what I sent her:


Grandma!!!

I have been so freaking busy, though I know I really deserve a spanking for not writing or calling much much sooner. I have also had a lot on my mind, and really should get it off my chest.

Alright. *exhales loudly* As you have no doubt suspected or guessed at one time or another, I am gay. I noticed it in myself pretty early, but wasn't certain or admitted it to myself until kind of recently. I think you kind of dropped hints and such that you're perfectly fine with it, and I knew that even if you had some problems with it, you wouldn't be any different to me in the least, and that was a really comforting thought, let me tell you.

I don't know why it's taken me so long to tell you, but the mind always has unjustified fears. I have no idea what Papa's or Dad's reactions would/will be. I kinda wanted to tell Dad and you at the same time, but I thought I would get your opinion on what Dad might think. I would also have preferred to tell you guys in person, but it really is one of the hardest things to do. So far, I have only told Punki in person, and the words just get caught in your throat and you stand there like and idiot for about half an hour.

So, I am glad to have that off my chest, and now that that block is out of the way, I won't feel like I am hiding something every time we talk. (hahah, it's also a great conversation piece, I hope)

I am really excited to see you guys at graduation! It was also another reason why I knew I had to tell you ASAP, because I will see you guys then, and I am going to be living up there with you guys. Hahahaha.
Oh! And I bought myself a phone! My number is [REMOVED]. Though, sometimes I don't hear it ringing and I prefer email for long thought provoking discussions. Gives me time to ...well, think.

I have pictures of most of my artwork that I've done, so I will have to send some of them to you, and I have prom pictures and the like.

I really am just so unsure of what Dad's reaction will be. I don't know when or how to tell him, or whatever would be best. Any opinions? I feel kind of lost.

AP tests are coming up, but will be over soon (and then I will be much much less stressed out.)


I really am so glad to finally feel open about it, and I hope we have a flurry of emails and calls back and forth now. I hope to hear from you soon.

Again, so good to talk to you! I can't wait to see you.
So, I eagerly await your response.

I LOVE YOU!

Jayden
__________________________________________--

What do you guys think. It's been a day now...and I am already worrying/ feeling uneasy.

meh.

 

WOO! Finally got a reply today, though I was a bit let down because I wanted to know a little more about how she felt and expected her to ask questions or something. BUT, I mean, look how she opened it, so I am happy. I just can't figure out from it if she told my Dad or not. She might have, might not have. Anyway, read:

--------------------------------------------------

Jayd,
I LOVE YOU!!!!!
G'pa isn't coming to graduation (he will send money instead.) I will come with Dad. ( He loves you and nothing will change that).Can't wait for you to be up here. Where is Punki going to school. She can come here also if she wants. I have been wondering about your art work and how it was coming. Will you come back with us after graduation?

Hugs and kisses
G
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It just has me a little worried, because I think they tend to ignore things they don't want to deal with, and if I go up there for college and have boys around, I don't want there to be awkwardness or anything. I am so uneasy about EVERYTHING. Hahah, somebody slap me.

Anywho, tell me what you guys think.

 

Thanks guys...but I am still getting really worked up for some reason.
*on a side note, I have listened to "White Rabbit" by Jefferson Starship about 30 times. Just discovered it. hahaha.

 

AHHH! Okay, so my dad just sent me an email "just checking in and stuff." I think my Grandma may have mentioned something, but even if she didn't I am going to tell him and grit my teeth awaiting impact. lol. I am so scared.

 

YAY! Got a reply from my Dad, and I am soooooo happy!
Here is about it:

"Yes I will always love you no matter what. The whole gay thing isn't really that big of a surprise to me. I didn't know for sure but it isn't really something you just want to come out and ask someone because if they aren't then it might freak them out. Besides it's not like you said you were a Democrat or something. I am glad you said something and got it off your chest. I know that had to be a lot to carry around. "

There was more small talk, but this summed it up.
Really the only other family member who needs to know if my Granny (grandma on my mom's side), but she is a bit different and I am almost certain she will have a problem with it (though, still love me).

I don't think I will be telling her anytime soon, though.

ANYWAY! YYYAAAAAAYYY!