Order of Operations?

Well I guess I would go with option #1 if you are very sure of your sexuality regardless of whether or not you have had any dates/relationships with someone of the same sex.

With option #2 I would say that it is good if you are unsure and want to be %100 sure of your sexuality (although that depends on person to person). I would choose this option because it would allow myself to figure out my attractions and to at least be able to have experience. Plus it would help if someone says "it's just a phase", you would have evidence that it isn't.

Either way is fine, but in my opinion option #2 sounds favorable to myself. Of course it's what is favorable to yourself.

 

First of all, as an engineer, I approve of the title

I went for option #1 myself, and had a very good outcome with it, so obviously my opinion has a bit of bias and hindsight behind it.

Still, I do think option #1 has some pretty good strengths behind it:

- Being in the closet is pretty complex. If you're in the closet, you already have to juggle a complex arrangement of lies, omissions and half-truths. You're already cutting yourself off from the support of friends and family when it comes to some part of yourself.

- Relationships and sex and all that are awesome. If they go well, they can spice up your life and give you confidence. But if your secret relationship goes bad (even if it's a very clean breakup), you're suddenly left with an emotional wound that you could use some support for. If you're in the closet, then that complicates things once again, as you can't really run to an accepting friend or family member.
Actually, even if it goes well, it's nice to have some way of talking about it sometimes. Not to gossip or brag, but just share with other people how you're doing pretty well in life right now.

- Even on the non-support side, lying is not your best option in any case. The most positive effect I had from coming out had nothing to do with actually dating guys or even being gay. I didn't even get into that until years later (and I came put at 25, so it's not as if I was too young for dating people).
It was that I could feel comfortable about my friends accepting me, and didn't feel that terrible grating feeling whenever I was lying. So coming out doesn't have to be contingent on "living the gay life".


Yeah, it exposed me to some of the stuff RedMage mentioned. Some of my friends asked me "but how can you be sure if you never even so much as held hands with anyone?". Personally that never bothered me that much because I don't need to prove my sexuality to anyone to begin with, and I never had any problem admitting there might be uncertainties here and there, but that they'd probably hear about those if they became relevant.

Also, I don't think I ever felt really driven to date people and have sex with them. When I eventually did run into the right guy to test it all out with, it was awesome, and I very much hope it will continue working out. But if I rate my frustrations while I was in the closet, they mainly had to do with dishonesty rather than dating guys.


All highly personal reasons, though. Still, for me option #1 was definitely the best operational procedure I could possibly take!

 

Basically, whatever you feel like doing. Come out when the time feels right.

 

It really depends on the situation.

I'd say #1 is probably more ideal, but not always an option for everyone.

Firstly, some people figure out they're LGB due to being in a same-sex relationship. They start out being friends with someone, it starts turning into something other than just a friendship, and then they realize they're feeling sexual feelings for the same gender.

Secondly, some people don't have the luxury of coming out when they first figure it out (eg if they're a teenager dependent on extremely homophobic parents). But they're not willing to wait on a relationship until they come out, so they get into one before coming out.

 

I have only come out this year at 24, and I leant more towards option 1, mainly for the reasons Filip stated. Personally, I didn't want the drama of being in a secret relationship and it being exposed like some sort of scandal, or having nobody to turn to if the relationship turned sour. Moreover, I felt that it may upset my friends and family if I'd been hiding the truth from them. Now, I admit that I have already started dating (admittedly I've only been on one) and going to gay bars despite having not told certain people who have the right to know (such as extended family and some friends and acquaintances), but that's simply because I haven't seen them and didn't want to come out via something like a Facebook or twitter post because it could come across as somewhat impersonal. However, my immediate family and friends I see and speak to quite often were the first to know before I did anything else (in fact, some straight girl friends pounced on my coming out as the perfect excuse to go for a gay night out :lol: ).

 

I kind of did a mixture of both. I came out to a few friends as bisexual and when I got my first girlfriend I was just out. Now if someone asks I tell them I am a lesbian, but I for the most part like the way I came out. There are pros and cons for each of the options and I think whichever one is better depending on the person.

 

Hm. I guess my experience was closer to option #2 in that I was having sex before I was coming out. This because I was hit on in a locker room and then messed around with the guy several times before putting everything on hold for a year. When I started up again, I concluded I was gay pretty fast and started coming out to all and sundry within a matter of weeks.

Circumstances kind of drove my process, but even if things had shook out where I had more of a 'think about it first ' option, I don't think I could see holding off on doing whatever I pleased first and telling people later or on an ongoing basis. I just wasn't raised to worry about other people and their opinions that much.

Todd

 

Both!

I'm telling parents and close friends as soon as I can, since I'm anti-lying and want to be open and honest about as much as I can to them.

Everyone else will find out when I'm in a gay relationship.

 

I came out to my mom before anything; though I was doing random hook-ups.

My boyfriend came out to his parents after dating me; not saying I made him do it.

Now I haven't told any of my friends and won't tell co-workers or anybody basically besides my family, and people that my boyfriend introduces me to.

My boyfriend had told his friends though before he started dating other guys; I'm pretty sure.

So what I am getting at there is no right way to do it, and it's not as easily defined as you put it.

I won't tell friends or anyone basically, but came out to my family pretty young after I had had sex. But I never had a real relationship.

My boyfriend told his friends before hooking up with guys, and came out to his parents later on after hooking up with guys and dating.

So niether of us did what you described and I wouldn't say any is any better.

I find the fact I am in a relationship makes me contemplate being open to everyone but homophobic comments squish those thoughts. So I can attest that being in a relationship before coming out CAN HELP give you confidence or more of a need to come out. But to who is based on your comfort levels.

I always knew my parents would be ok, and that I just had to worry about everyone else, a lot of other people are the complete opposite. My parents and familys love is unconditional and I know that so it was never an issue, but other people I don't get unconditional love from so I really find it hard to tell them.

Also I find it much more necessary to come out since I am dating because lies become bigger. I also find myself wanting to mention my boyfriend in conversations with people and have to stop myself from mentioning it which is really nerve racking.

So it's really not as simple as you think.

This isn't BEDMAS it's real life with thousands of different variables and factors. Making there be no true order of operations.