I am a 31 year old man who first understood that I am gay roughly two years ago. This happened after I had been talking to a man whom I found to be attractive. Afterwards I asked myself for the first time in my life - am I gay? To my great astonisment - and despair, I realised that the answer to this question is yes. Most people I have read about have had an inkling feeling over many years that they might be gay. This has definately not been the case for me. I have always considered myself to be straight. Anyway, from the moment I found out that I am gay, I have known that the only right thing to do is to be open about it. This has proven to be easier said than done. I am a master of fooling myself it seems, shoving these feelings away, postponing doing anything about it. Now I have been doing this for over two years, and it is as if my life has hit a pause button. I find this to be very frustrating, and at the same time, I can't get myself to do anything about it. That is, I have told two friends. One straight afterwards and another a year after. But I have not really spoken to them about being gay since. I guess they are waiting for me to say something more, or at least, hint that I want to talk about it. One thing I have really learned about myself these two years is that I can't stand feeling vulnerable around others. I always seek to be in emotional control, always try to reach this emotional equilibrium. And most of all, I try to avoid feling shame. Shame is a feeling I often have, been having it a lot all my life actually. Often, the feeling of shame just hits me, it just takes me by surprise, and I think, "I hate myself!". I don't think being gay is anything to be ashamed of. And quite frankly, I think most of my friends/familiy won't mind much either. Anyway, as I was saying, I don't think being gay is anything to be ashamed of. I even think the question itself sounds stupid. Only, my feelings don't quite agree it seems. As I said, I do easily feel shame, and I definately know that I will feel ashamed and feel vulnerable once I actually do tell my friends and family. At the same time, I know that this is the only thing that will help me, even take away the shame. And I think it is wonderfull to read about the courage many people here has had - most of the coming out under much more difficult circumstances than mine. Now, my daily life is characterized by avoidance. I have this inner restlessness, keeping me from feeling what I actually feel. Often occupying myself, so I don't have to think about what I'm struggeling with. I know I have to slow down, let myself feel what I feel. Be open to other people. So, I guess this is my first attempt at beginning the process of coming out - writing here, where all the the experts are! Thanks for listening
Congratulations on these first hard steps! and :welcome: to EC! (*hug*) It sounds like it's time to pick that first person to come out to, and maybe find a therapist to work with if you havent already.
Hi Kre- Thanks for sharing your story. Have you heard of Brene Brown? If not, I think you could really benefit from looking into what she has to say. Here is her website: Brené Brown Specifically, she studies shame and vulnerability and living what she calls A Wholehearted Life. She has numerous TED talks which you can find on TED or on youtube, as well has several books that are easy to find at Barnes and Noble. She talks about how all of us hate vulnerability, but the more we're willing to open ourselves up to it, the more we can become our real selves. I urge you to look into what she has to say--I really do think you'll find it worthwhile. I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now. I think that you'll find the more you're willing to come out, the better you'll feel about yourself. I'm guessing that you're right about your sense of shame is being fed by the fact that you're keeping it a secret--you've created a feedback loop. And the longer you hide it, the longer you're denying yourself a chance at a real relationship with a man. I agree with Femmeme--a good therapist can work wonders. It's great to have a neutral party who can look at situations with different eyes and give you new ways to see it. Telling a good, trusted friend with whom you'd feel comfortable talking about it with is also a great place to start. --Zoe
Thanks for those encouraging words Femmeme and Zoe! Zoe, I looked at a few of the videos of Brene Brown and will definately look more into it. Thanks for the tip
Hello, welcome to EC! i've joined the forum recently and i can say it's been really helpful. You can not only get a lot of info reading other posts but also u r able to write, which helps me be more acceptive about it. Therapy can also be very helpful, if this situation bothers you. I think the more people u have supporting u in this, the easiest it is to get throught this self knowledge phase. but there are some things that only require a lot of thought of yourself...
