just accepted that i'm gay...what next?

Hey James,

Welcome to EC. Your post was really interesting; I think you probably expressed a lot of things that people feel when they first come out or are first coming out, and expressed it really succinctly. Do you write? You should.

Hopefully some of what I write will make sense--it's quite late here so forgive me if I'm somewhat incoherent.

Well let me tell you a (tiny little though still likely to be long) bit of my own story.

I came out when I was just about 20 after five years of some pretty hardcore denial. My first relationship of any significance was when I was 21; my then-boyfriend was 29, which I thought was cool.

When I was 31, I fell for my most recent ex-boyfriend, a guy who was 22. It was his first relationship and he had only recently (in the past 4 or 5 months) come out. As much as some of my friends who were closer to my age were all like, "Oh score" because he was so young (young in comparison to me, because I know how I hated being called "young" when I was 22), I really would have preferred it if he had been a lot closer to my age or at least had been out for 4 or 5 years and had other relationships under his belt. Why? Well because sure it sounds (in a really superficial way) good to get yourself a substantially younger guy as a boyfriend but I knew that the fact he was so inexperienced might be a real issue because in my experience, very few people end up with their first boyfriends. Plus very few people's first relationships work out because relationships are fucking hard and having zero experience being in one can really make things screwy and extremely difficult.

Still... we fall for who we fall for, and that was pretty much the only issues I had with him, and they were all theoretical. And so began our relationship.

And it was a really, really good relationship for me--the best I've had, actually, and 2nd longest (1.5 years). But he dumped me with absolutely no warning in a pretty awful way last July and it was incredibly shattering. It was especially bad because the main reason was pretty much that he was inexperienced and new to relationships. I mean, okay, our relationship wasn't perfect, I wasn't perfect, he wasn't perfect, but I've been in enough relationships to know (which he doesn't, of course) that it was a pretty damn good relationship and we should have at least attempted to address his issues (and I had a few of my own, too, I just didn't wake up one day and figure they were worth dumping him for) and make it work before just ending things. I'm not saying he didn't have his valid issues with our relationship or with me; I'm just saying it pretty much blew me and every one of my friends away that those reason amounted to a good reason to throw 1.5 years away with no warning or discussion or attempt to compromise.

And the sad thing is, I always knew that the way things ended was a possibility with him... or at least the reasons things were ended were always potential reasons, reasons that were less likely to be there if he had had more relationship experience.

So there are a number of reasons I shared all that... the number one being that (and I can't really state this strongly enough because it seems to be a really common misconception): not all older guys end up with younger guys because they see the younger guy as a hot piece of ass who's good for fucking and nothing else.

Do those kinds of exploitative shallow guys exist? Of course. But there are also a lot of shallow, self-centred younger gay guys who are total users, who go after whoever, young or old. While it's a common enough occurrence that older people (men and women) seek out younger people (men and women) just for their youth, that's not the full extent of what goes on. I don't know the guy you're involved with enough to tell if he's "good people" or not but he sure as heck doesn't sound like particularly "bad people." You won't be able to tell for a while, probably, but he certainly doesn't sound like all he's interested in is you being a good lay. That doesn't mean he wants to date you, of course, but he doesn't sound like a total asshole. And maybe, just maybe, he has reservations about being involved with you that revolve around your age and pretty noticeable lack of experience with all things gay.

All that being said, I understand how freaked out you are about getting emotionally attached. It's a totally scary thing for everyone, even people who are pretty comfortable with it or at least with themselves. But if I read what you've written right, you're too late, because you sound pretty attached to this guy already. I don't mean you're in love with him or you want to be with him forever but he obviously has played an important role in an important phase of your life and however things go from here, nothing's going to erase that.

Want to know something as freaky, which is also completely unavoidable? It's entirely possible that he is far more important to you than you are to him, and not because he's emotionally stunted or doesn't care about you or anything like that. It's just the simple fact that he is pretty much your "first." I mean, not your literal first but the first guy you've connected to emotionally as well as sexually. And whatever he feels for you, you aren't likely his first, and so there's always going to be that imbalance. It doesn't have to be a huge thing but it will be there, especially initially, and you can't really do anything about it. It's just the way things go, unless you happen to luck out and end up with someone who is just as new to things as you are, which is relatively rare, I think.

But because you can't do anything about that dichotomy, and because you can't erase what's already happened to you with him, your best bet is just to let that fear go as much as you can, because you can't go through life without getting your heart broken. Whether by this guy or someone years from now, it's pretty much inevitable. The only way to avoid it is to never be vulnerable to anyone, never open up, and that path is particularly lonely and unpleasant. So as much as it may suck to resign yourself to being hurt at some point, it can help prevent it from being as crushing when it happens. It's kinda an example of expecting the best but preparing for the worst. You don't usually achieve any happiness of note without at least risking some pretty serious sorrow.

Instead of being afraid, I would focus on your sense of awe, which you communicate pretty clearly in everything you've said. You appear to have lucked into a situation a lot of people would kill for: you've met someone who is cool, hot, open with you, and has (whether on purpose or simply accidentally) really helped you understand a lot of what's going on inside yourself. Maybe it'll just stay at that, maybe it'll become something more--there's no good way to tell right now so enjoy what you do know and do have. Fear is often useful and healthy; it keeps us on our toes and hopefully makes us a little more nimble than we'd otherwise be but all of us at one point or another have made the mistake of letting ourselves be consumed by fear and that's when fear becomes really counterproductive and paralysing. I'm hoping you won't make that mistake.

I understand the desire to "manage" your feelings but I think you'll find that past a point the more we try to manage our feelings (rather than facing and addressing them), the more of a mess we get ourselves into. You can't treat feelings like they're rational; they're not machines or programs that can be "managed" in any sort of traditional way. Not to sound too trite but feelings need to be felt and in some bizarre way the only way we can deal with them is by letting them be expressed (hopefully in some kind of healthy way). You can't beat them into submission, and you can't repress them, without causing some serious side effects.

Your best bet is probably talking to this special guy and letting him know at least a bit of what you've told us: that you don't even know if you want things to go anywhere but at the same time you know you've shared something special with him... and then let him do all the heavy lifting by saying, "So what do you think?" :lol: No seriously, let him know how much you've appreciated having the chance to talk with him, on top of the fact that you think he's hot, and just let him know you like hanging out with him and would be happy if that continued. Or let him know that because everything is so new, you aren't really looking for anything formal.

Whatever way you decide works best for you, let him know by talking to him because it's impossible to have it drilled into our heads enough but relationships (of whatever nature) only work with good communication. People can't read minds and yet we always fall into the trap of thinking they should be able to. ("Why can't you see how much this is upsetting me?" "Because I'm not you!") I mean, highly intuitive people can make good educated guesses about what's going on "inside" others but that is far more of an art than a science and it's a tricky art at that; it's much safer to have some facts to back it up.

Even if you never saw this guy again (which sounds like it would suck), you are always going to have the experience of being with him. Nothing can take that away. I think that's a pretty important thing to keep in mind. You've been changed, and it sounds like you've been changed not only for good, but for the better.

And probably more than anything, just remember perhaps the most awe-inspiring thing in all this: just because this is the first time you've felt connected to a guy in more ways than just sex, it's by no means the last time that will happen. And that, my friend, is really what it's all about.

 

I think joeyconnick is the angel Gabriel reincarnated.

As for you, jcdude, welcome to empty closets! It's good that you've come to self realisation and I hope you will find this place useful. I would reiterate all Joeyconnick's advice. And good luck with your journey from here - lots of people have been through it. You're not the first and you won't be the last

 

Welcome to EC. It's all been said above so I can't really add any more. However, you've definitely found the right place so keep asking questions if it helps.

 

Hey James, you're totally welcome--glad it helped you out. Post more if you have more questions or issues for us.

 

DUDE! I don't think texting him and saying "hey wanna hang out" is being clingy. Now if you called him 5 times in an hour and left increasingly cutesy voicemails or texted him after saying, "Hey where are you?" fifty times, THAT would be clingy.

Maybe he's just having food with a friend or is in a movie or is driving with his phone off... or maybe his battery died.

Yeah, it's all really new, so you have to remember to breathe. Breathing is incredibly important.

It's nice that you are concerned about being clingy... that will make you less likely to actually be that way. That being said, you can kinda push that worry too far, end up going back around the circle into either driving yourself crazy or being clingy out wanting too hard to not be clingy (like getting all worried and texting him back in this situation).

You are probably going to be clingy at some point in your life, whether now with this guy or with some future person--and that is okay. We are all clingy sometimes. There are far worse things. It's just one of those relationship missteps that people make. You have to give yourself some leeway specifically because everything is all new. You will make mistakes. Everyone does. Life is not about not making mistakes, it's about learning from them, accepting and acknowledging them, apologising for them if that's appropriate, and then making different mistakes which are hopefully increasingly minor. And learning to laugh at them, too--that really helps.

So don't be distressed... just see how things pan out. This guy is not your only bridge. He's just a bridge. Even if you managed to totally incinerate this one (which I'm going to go out on an incredibly sturdy limb and say you don't sound like you will), there will be lots of other bridges. It will be like crossing the Seine in Paris... at least 37 some odd bridges, if not more. (Sorry I was in Europe recently... )

 

I agree. Joey is by far one of the most helpful, knowledgeable, funny and anjoyable mates on EC.
Ok, now is the time you blush

 

Hey no worries... often when people are coming out, everything is incredibly heightened. I just didn't want to see you twist yourself up into knots over not getting a text reply.

Even though things are all very... intense right now, they won't always be like that. In fact (and I know this is maybe hard to believe) you might look back at some point and be like, "I wish everything could be that... new and crazy again." But I know that while it's all going on, it can be very overwhelming.

 

:icon_redf

As you requested, although red really isn't my colour. :lol:

 

I bet it isn't! <3

 

Hey James. Welcome to EC from Jim (aka James) in Toronto!

You're post WAS very well written, and Joey's response WAS bang on.

I can totally relate to some of the emotions you're experiencing - and I didn't go through the process until I was in my mid 30s. At first it was just physical, and they I came to accept that i was gay. And the emotions that were involved were overwhelming at times. I suddenly understood how some people feel for another person (i.e. having a crush) when they're in high school! I suppose better late than never...

Yes - honesty and openness are critical to any successfull relationship. It is what has made my current relationship so incredible, and it is what has allowed me to maintain a very positive and healthy relationship with my ex wife. Remember though that you're pretty vulnerable right now, and that you don't really know this guy all that well.

At the same time, it's great that you've felt a connection to someone for the first time. It's a really remarkable feeling, and as joeyconnick has said, that is really what it is all about!!!

Again - welcome to EC!!!