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Should I be honest with my friend who genuinely asked?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by MtnFr3sh, May 30, 2013.

  1. MtnFr3sh

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    So, my friend who I've known for a while, like, since I was a kid, asked if I was gay earlier today. Here's how it went down...

    So, apparently at 6:30 PM last night, I got a text from her asking if she could ask me a serious question and get a truthful response, but I didn't notice it until this morning, spent all morning trying to get it out of her but she didn't want to ask in public, or in person because she thought I'd get offended. I had to grab ahold of her backpack and practically drag her to get it our of her, but that didn't even happen. She got away and ran. I then ran into her about 20 minutes later and said I wouldn't stop following her until she asked what it was (I had a subconscious fear she'd ask this)

    She took me down a few hallways and asked me there. I didn't answer right off, I asked why, took about 7-15 "Why would you ask that's" to get it out of her, apparently, her and a gay friend that used to go to my school that I don't remember but he remembers me had gotten into an argument about him having said "10% of the human population is gay" She said she doubted roughly 20 people in our class is gay. After he had listed off a couple of people that it was extremely obvious about, he asked her if I was gay, she said she was pretty sure I wasn't, and she was just wanting to prove she was right.

    So, after she walked into a classroom, I tried to slip away because I didn't want to lie to her because she's a good person but I wasn't sure I could trust her. But she then walked right back out and was like "You didn't give me an answer" So I had to lie, I said "No Sierra, I'm straight" I felt bad about it because she's a decent person.

    During the 5 minutes we were standing there, a guy walked by and was like "Ooooh you dirty girl" to my friend, implying that we were a couple or some shit. She then said "Oh shut up, he knows I don't like him" Then after he walked away she said quietly to herself and me "I just asked him if he was gay!" and started laughing and collapsed against a wall laughing, I'll admit, the whole bit was pretty funny.

    So here's the thing, she was actually one of the people I would consider telling anyway, and I feel really bad about lying to her. I think I'd be able to trust her. The main thing is I feel bad about lying to her because she's always really nice to me, she once said she knows and is friends with several gay guys. But considering the circumstances on which she asked me, purely for argumentative purposes, she'd probably have told her gay friend whom she got into an argument with. And I'm not sure how many people that guy is close to that still go to my school that he might tell, then my life is :***:ing over...

    So, considering the circumstances, should I just be honest with her?
     
  2. Shadowsettler

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    Well, it's a bit scary telling your friends about your sexuality. You read stories on here about people losing good friends over it. The best thing to do is be honest..

    If you're not honest, then you're going to end up miserable, or worse, she'll find out elsewhere and it might make her feel bad you hadn't told her the truth sooner. :frowning2:

    Do you think she likes you?
     
  3. BryanM

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    It's always hard telling your best friends, even if you think that they will react positively to it. If you don't think you can trust her not to out you or tell that one guy and have him out you, or you are too scared of being outed, then I would suggest that you wait a little bit until one of those changes. Being outed is one of the things that I was most scared of, and it actually happened to me at school. It sucked for 2 or 3 days I had no clue what would happen, but it turns out my school was very accepting, but if you don't think that your school would be as accepting, I would suggest only telling people that you know 100% GUARANTEED they will not tell. Good luck dude, hope things turn out well for you! :slight_smile:
     
  4. Chip

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    Dude, she already knows... unless she's utterly oblivious or dumb as a post.

    Think about it... when you ask someone a potentially loaded question, and they avoid answering or dodge the question (you did both), you know the answer. It's obvious becuase, in this case, if you were straight, you would have immediately answered "I'm straight", and not gone with the BS of "Why would you ask that" and hemming and hawing.

    It's just like in the days of Myspace. Myspace defaulted sexual orientation on everyone's profile to "straight." So if anyone put "no answer" then you *knew* they'd intentionally changed it from "straight", and therefore pretty much knew they were gay or bi. (And that actually turns out to be statistically true, at least among the ~200 people I knew well on Myspace.)

    She probably knew before she asked you. And likely, if she and her friend have wondered... others have too, so you're probably not as "camouflaged" as you thought.

    Interestingly most of the closeted gay guys I've known are *convinced* that no one could ever tell, but in most cases, they aren't really fooling anyone except the most oblivious.

    So honestly, people probably already know. Confirming it will make it spread, but that sort of gossip is juicy, so my guess is rumors are already floating... so you might as well just bite the bullet and come out to her, and let the chips fall where they may.
     
  5. MtnFr3sh

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    Well, she's not dumb, she is, to be honest, a tad air headed. She's a really smart person though she's in all honors classes and a few advanced one. Meanwhile I'm just in all honors.

    Anyway. Her already knowing wouldn't entirely surprise me because even if she is air headed, she is very intelligent. I mean, like you said about Myspace, I don't even have my preference listed as interested in women, therefore, it doesn't even say I'm straight.

    I guess when I tell her, I'm bringing a bible, and forcing her to raise her right hand to god (even thought I really don't believe in bible swears, I'm pretty sure she does) and asking her to introduce me to the gay friend she got into an argument with and ask HIM just how in the hell he came to the conclusion I might be gay so I know where I need patchwork in my camouflage.

    That last part about rumors floating, I definitely would have been asked by some of my other friends about it because they're NOT the type to just let something like that just slip away quietly without making a scene. People do ask me why I don't have a girlfriend, I just say that every girl is a bitch, and most of them are, any one that WOULD date me if I were straight.

    But, just what might I do to keep things from spreading since especially you, Chip, know just how thinks went with my mom when I told her I was bi. I don't give a shit if everybody knows, except her, I can't go through that again. Since my mom is a sub, everybody would tell her if they knew.
     
  6. arturoenrico

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    I think it should be your time table. When people ask outright, even if they're well intentioned, you're on the spot. You have to be ready. If she has trouble waiting to know for sure, really it's too bad. Don't be pressured into doing what you're not ready for. What is said can't be taken back.
     
  7. MtnFr3sh

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    But I already did answer her, and I lied to her. I feel like shit about it and I think I might be able to trust her. But the circumstances under which she asked me, I'm not entirely sure.
     
  8. WanderingGhost

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    Be honest with her! :slight_smile:
     
  9. Incognito10

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    Well, if your friend genuinely asked, YES! You've got the golden opportunity. Also, you have to consider it will only make matters worse down the road if the truth is found out because it might be perceived has you being dishonest with her.
     
  10. Argentwing

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    "Hey, about that time you asked if I was gay... I lied; I'm sorry." Easy as that. You can go on to say you weren't ready to let people know, but felt that the chosen friend should now have the privilege of that info about you. Personally, I think anybody with a working neuron or two would feel flattered and honored that you'd bare that extremely vulnerable part of yourself to them.
     
  11. MtnFr3sh

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    I was going to tell her today, but she was absent. I asked somebody if she was there because I needed to tell her something, and they thought I had a crush on her or some shit. I laughed inside, and out, and said no. Then they thought I meant she was ugly and they're going to tell her that. If they say that, once she hears my part of it, she'll get the whole picture :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
     
  12. Candace

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    Just be honest with her! She's going to find out sooner or later. She'll be mad of the fact that you didn't tell her sooner!
     
  13. Chip

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    I have news you aren't going to like: People can tell. No matter how well you try to hide it, people will know. Gaydar is real. So this idea of figuring out how someone figured it out and "patching that up" isn't going to work, and often times, trying to "patch it up" just makes it more obvious.

    I've talked about the "find the hidden fairy" game that my friends and I play and it really is true; people with good gaydar can spot a closeted gay guy at 50 paces. So the best solution might be to simply start dealing with it. I know that may not be what you want, but if people are talking and rumors are there, the best way to take control is to own it and be proud of it, even if you have to stretch yourself to get to that place initially. I can promise you that, likely even with your mom, you'll be a lot happier doing that than playing cat-and-mouse for another couple of years.
     
  14. MtnFr3sh

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