For those of you who may have noticed me posting before, my grandpa's in the hospital. As of today, it seems as though there isn't really anything they can do that will make him "get better", and he probably isn't expected to live very long. He's pretty at peace with this though and is fine with dying, since it happens to everyone. The thing is, I'm not out to him. I'm out to everyone except him, my grandma, and my dad. My dad I'll tell eventually, but my grandparents I figured I wouldn't tell until it became relevant information. I'm seriously considering (or rather, debating) whether or not I should come out to him, before he does pass away. Coming out so far has been an issue of "doing this without regrets", and I'm worried that I'll regret not coming out to him later. I have no idea if he is pro/anti-LGBT. I also feel as though broaching the topic is easier said than done, since having a conversation with him is getting more and more difficult (his heart is failing, so he has difficulty breathing). All I know is over the last 3 weeks while we've been with him at the hospital, I've gotten endless compliments about how I'm "a good man" (which is basically the best thing he could ever tell you). I don't want to disappoint him, nor would I want to taint his last image of me. He's also super-Catholic, and while he thinks I'm a good person, he did also make a point of telling friends from church who visited him that I really wasn't a good Catholic despite that (I'm essentially not Catholic, but that's a different story). I'm confused. Normally I'd just overanalyze this until I came up with an answer, but I have enough crowding my mind I can't afford to spare any thoughts on this... but at the same time, I don't like leaving it as a "no, don't tell him" just because I haven't gotten the chance to really think it through.
Do me a favor? Imagine I'm holding your hand and using my kindest, gentlest voice as you read this post. You've already waited too late. The window for coming out to him is closed. That moment is past, and this moment is no longer about you. All your grandfather needs to know right now is that he is loved. Ultimately that is the most important thing one person can know about another. That you love them. Everything else is details, and details lose all importance when we look into the face of death. Don't lose sight of that and don't let yourself think that your grandfather "doesn't know the real you." He's seen you from birth through becoming an adult and he's loved you all this time and you've loved him. That's what really matters. (*hug*)
If you are honestly feeling like you will regret it, then you should definitely come out to him. Though in my opinion, while our orientation is a big part of us and who we are, it isn't a necessary to pour out every essence of who you are in cases where it doesn't really make a difference. This is coming from someone who is extremely open and expressive of myself. In my opinion, if he is not going to last much longer and he will never be able to see or discuss a future relationship with you or fully grasp and understand your sexuality, then I wouldnt feel the need to come out. So, if you want to sure, but you shouldn't feel bad if you don't.
That is a terrifyingly difficult question. My utmost sympathies for what you're going through. My first inclination was to say, don't do it, if you'll not know how he'll react. But, lately I've been nothing but surprised with people I thought might be bigoted, who've reacted quite well... but, using that logic it comes down to a coin flip. I don't suppose there is any information, be it professional or anecdotal, about the psychological states of people on their deathbeds? It hardly needs to be said that, his state right now, is the most important factor in this. So having any such information might help. I would also wonder, if you are seriously considering coming out to him, if talking to your grandmother first might be a good idea? I realize that such might seem like a strange conversation to have considering the circumstances she's in - but frankly what conversation wouldn't be? It's going to be tough no matter what. I'm sorry that I don't have much for answers. And hope that the above is at all helpful. In any case, my sympathies and best of luck. (*hug*)
This is tough. At the end of the day, I think what matters is ensuring that in his last days/hours, he feels loved, supported, appreciated. I don't think your coming out to him furthers that goal; it seems like it's something that's important to you, but put yourself in his shoes. Why would he want to know? Why would it matter to him? I see the other argument, about your regretting not doing it, but I honestly don't feel like it's that important. You love each other, and that's really what your last time together should be about. At least... i think so. As I said, this is a really tough call and I don't think there's a definitive answer, except what feels right to you.
Would it help if you talked to your family to get more information about him, any clues maybe? Doing a fact-gathering to tilt the scales a little more one way or another. I would just feel terrible for you if it is a make-or-break situation if you don't come out. Like, why would it be so important? Or is this something you can let slide? Or do you absolutely have to, no matter what? Is he your only living/closest grandparent? And questions like that. Maybe I would talk to your folks, and see what they think. They might know better than us, and you can feel out the situation this way.
That is so touching & made me well up, I totally agree with everything you have said, I never came out to my Dad & he died aged 46, he was a Catholic & probably would not have agreed with me for being Gay, but he would have still loved me & accepted me, this I can be sure of, because I am a believer in the afterlife, I am certain that now he is on the other side, he now knows I am Gay, he will also know that God loves everyone & being Gay is not a Sin, I am not a over religious person & I don't attend church, this is just my belief PS: I am so sorry about your Grandpa, you must love him so much (*hug*)
FWIW, my father died last year a few months after I came out to my husband and my marriage broke up. I never told him, either about the marriage or that I'm gay. All he needed then was family around him and to die peacefully (he had cancer which had left him paralysed and he was very ill). I do know that he was homophobic and wouldn't have been happy, so my situation might be different to yours. I have no regrets about not saying anything, none at all. I wanted to preserve the relationship that was there for him as he passed over. I also do not consider being gay the only important thing about me, and he knew the person I was apart from that. I don't know your relationship with your grandfather, he may be much more accepting, but I wouldn't automatically assume you'll feel bad later on.
Hello Budder-- I second everything Femmeme and Dublin Boy said. I'm terribly sorry about your grandfather. I've been through the death of my mother, who I cared about deeply, and I can tell you what Femmeme said is exactly right. This is his moment--his moment to be surrounded by the love of his family. Your sexuality, while important, is only a small part of who you are. All he needs to know right now is that you love him. --Zoe
I have had to consider this. My Dad is older and has had some health problems. I plan on waiting a few years to come out and know that there is a chance my Dad will never know the real me. My decision is this. If something was to happen before I come out, then I am going to write him a letter, seal it in an envelope, and ask that it be buried with him. That is my suggestion.
Thank you guys, really. I'll spare a bit of thought over this, but I think now at least I'll be okay with not telling him, even if that is the default answer. What a lot of you have said makes total sense.
First, BudderMC, I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather! Now...for my advice... This is biased from my particular view. So this post might be worthless. (And so, the chorus screams, what's new about that BMC77?) Thought #1: you said your plan was to wait until it became relevant before saying anything. I assume you had good reason for that plan, and that reason should be respected (although, of course, the circumstances might make it worth reevaluating). Sometimes I change my plans suddenly with no thought, thinking my old idea was wrong, only to find that I was not right changing, particularly in the heat of the moment. Thought #2: this is just me... There are people who are gone I'll never be able to tell. Granted, they died long before I accepted I'm gay. Also granted it may be better some never knew. One grandma would have gone through the roof, and probably sent a volley of highly critical letters. (I saw that one happen more than once on other matters...) Assuming that anyone would have taken the news OK--and that is a pretty big assumption--do I wish they had known before dying? Yes, a little. But the really big regrets lie elsewhere. Some people I wish I'd known better. Others I wish I could see again. I can name 2 restaurants my mother and I used to eat in all the time, and in the last 20 years, I've eaten in one maybe twice, and the other only once. I miss them...but going there, alone, is just not the same. Thought #3: again, this is me, but another thought about people who are no longer here: the bigger regret connected to sexual orientation isn't that I'm gay. It is that if I happen to meet some great guy someday, and end up getting married, they'll never have a chance to know him. But, obviously, if one does not meet that great guy before someone dies, there is nothing one can do. Thought #4: This is again just me, and a reflection of personal beliefs. Other with different beliefs will disagree. That said, I personally believe in continued life after this life. Sooner or later, thus, the people in my life who've died on will, I believe, learn.
On one hand, I feel that you should tell him while you still have the chance. However on the other hand, maybe you don't need to tell him. Just make him loved as a granddad.
I've now outright decided I'm not going to bother telling him. Like most of you said, being there for him is my priority right now. Having this decision also leaves me with one less thing (coming out or not) to worry about, which means I can give more attention to being with him. And beyond all that, his condition seems to be declining quickly; he can hardly talk at all today. We had a very brief, half-written conversation, but a lot of it consisted of my telling him that I would take care of things he was worrying about (family coping, etc.) and him telling me that he was glad he had less to worry about. No sense loading more on his plate. Thank you all for your help, once again. EC hasn't failed me yet when I've needed it and this is no exception.
i naver came out to my mum and it hasent botherd me but its up to you i wouldent recomend it at this time thats just my opinion
