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Im so sick I not knowing...please help

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by fkhoms, Jun 2, 2013.

  1. fkhoms

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Gender:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Questioning
    My story is long so ill try to summarize, I've grown up having crushes on girls, and I've always an enjoyed, wanting to make love to a women, and bring a child that's both me, and my wife into this world.

    The problem is I have also lived my life with a double side. For whatever reason in addition to girls, I start wondering what it would be like to hold, a boys hand to have his arms around me. All this makes no sense to me tho,

    For starters I have only ever been in love once in my life, and this was with a girl I dated for 3 years, she began to not treat me as if I mattered to her, so we broke ties.

    I have never considered the concept of being with a man, the sight of a men's genitals turns me off. The idea of spending a lifetime, or even falling in love with a man confuses me to. I don't wanna be with a man cause a man can no bare me. Children which I so desperately want.

    It also doesn't help matters that I have chosen a vie of celibacy, till I'm married.

    Idk what's wrong. If a man walks into the my sight I start to see his muscles, and then I start to wander what it would be like to be with him sexually then the sudden thought of a mans Gentiles makes me lose all feeling of pleasure.

    Meanwhile when I have my erotic moments with myself I think of a women, and how I could show my love for her by climaxing into her vagina. Also pictures, of vaginas have given me extreme arousel, and climax....

    Idk what to do I feels like I have a wire crossed, and maybe it's this new anxiety medication I'm on, but I'm sick of this balancing act, I just want to know what I am, so I can stop feeling like I'm nothing. I want to know what I am, and find a love that I can treasure forever...

    It's not so simple for me, I struggle everyday, and I don't know how much longer I can struggle, any advice???
     
  2. Chip

    Board Member Admin Team Advisor Full Member

    Joined:
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    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    Hi, and welcome.

    The short answer is, there's no easy and instant sure answer. One of the biggest challenges in figuring yourself out is dealing with your own conscious and unconscious feelings. In the early stages of exploring one's sexuality, everyone goes through a period of denying what they're really feeling because, let's face it, who, when they first consider the idea, wants to be gay? No one.

    So the challenge is figuring out what part of your self-analysis is real, authentic feelings, and what part is, for lack of a better phrase, manufactured revulsion, i.e., something your unconscious cooks up for your conscious to convince you that you're not gay.

    In reading what you say, the things like "Sight of a man's genitals turns me off" are sort of a red flag; a guy who was genuinely straight wouldn't be "turned off", he'd be more like "Meh."

    And on the one hand, you're saying that you masturbate thinking about women, but you also talk about feeling an instant connection/attraction to a man's muscles.

    Oh, and... an *awful lot* of closeted gay guys convince themselves they're being celibate until marriage to "save themselves" when, in reality, it's a part of the denial mechanism to avoid the realization that they like guys. (I can remember being in that place myself.)

    So reading your post as a whole... my first thought is that you might be more toward the gay side of things, and your unconscious is throwing up all this resistance to try to convince you that you aren't gay. That certainly isn't definitive, but it's my first thought. So one thing to try -- and I can see you shuddering now -- is watching some gay porn. Choose some with guys whose muscles and other attributes you like, and basically sit through it, and just decide that you'll deal with not wanting to look at the penises and so forth.

    My guess is that you'll experience a combination of strong arousal and extreme revulsion, which would be consistent with someone who's struggling with denial. If you watch it and find it extremely unarousing, or boring, or uninteresting... then it's more likely you're straight.

    Ditto your masturbation experiences. Try masturbating and thinking about being with a guy. It will probably freak you out at first, but just imagine it, and what it would be like. See if it's arousing. Then do the same thing but thinking instead about girls. See where it leads you.

    Those things will help. If you can report back with what you experience in doing those, it should give some more insight into what's going on for you.