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Too much to consider... (Long post, need help)

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by GenericUsername, Jun 3, 2013.

  1. GenericUsername

    Regular Member

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    Recently more than ever it seems impossible to avoid the issue of when to come out. I have absolutely no problem with being gay and suffer no shame or guilt. That said I am worried that I am not, or maybe never will be 100% sure (silly I know considering I've never had any attraction to girls).

    My family for one will be very supportive, I'm sure of this. The problem is timing. My parents are currently in the process of separating and the atmosphere in the house, while amicable, is less than ideal. This separation has led me and my brother (who is a few years older than me) to decide to move out with some of his friends. This has made me feel like now I should come out as, even though I obviously dislike homophobia, if (and I have absolutely no idea) his friends are, it would be unfair to move in with them without them knowing. I know it seems unfair to assume homophobia on people but all it takes is any given night out with alcohol and it doesn't matter how much I try to avoid the issue of homosexuality a noticeable amount of people feel the need admit their homophobia to me.

    That is not the only reason why I feel I need to come out. On nights out with work for example or with friends, girls have began to come on to me. While this shouldn't be too big a problem it is difficult to explain why I do nothing when a girl who is a nice person and also is clearly much better looking than me starts openly flirting with me. I also want to come out before I lie and make excuses too much that suggest I am straight, just not interested.

    My friends should also be supportive. While some are homophobic, I believe this is more so in relation to the stereotype than the concept of homosexuality, a stereotype I do not live up to. That said my lack of interest in girls has led them to asking me on several occasions. Each time I denied, simply because I wasn't sure, and you can't go back into the closet. I feel awful about this denial as I pride myself on being an inherently honest person. It also means dropping that I am gay casually in conversation is no longer a possibility.

    Coming out is obviously something I will have to do but I fear it will change everything. I see this from the openly gay people my friends and I know, and how my friends react to things the say. It is no longer "person X" having an opinion, it is that gay "person X" is. Although maybe I am reading too much into it, my friends aren't as homophobic as maybe I have made them seem.

    The final issue is how to come out. Gay pride is not for me, and I fear nothing more than becoming defined by my sexuality. Having said that, while coming out to family in person will be a non-issue, I would love to come out in person to close friends and then on Facebook to everyone so the likes of colleagues etc. will know without me having to say it. Like I said I can't just drop it casually in conversation as I have inadvertently led them to believe I'm straight. With that in mind I don't want to come across as attention seeking or as if I am throwing my sexuality in peoples' faces, something a Facebook post risks.

    I know this letter has been long, maybe hard to understand and certainly ramble-y (if that's a word) but any help would be much appreciated. I just need clarity on these final details before I take the plunge on coming out, hopefully in the very near future. I also want to thank whoever has read this far for your time and consideration and all members of this site which has become a massive source of reassurance for me in recent times.
     
  2. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Hello Generic-

    From reading your post, it sounds like you have several very good reasons for coming out now. But even more important, it sounds like you're ready. Although it took me much, much longer to be ready (I'm 42 and just coming out), the feeling of being ready was undeniable. If you're ready--that is, if you would feel more comfortable in your own skin and around others if you came out--then do it.

    Please don't worry about those times when people asked you and you denied it. That's not lying and you have nothing to feel bad about. At the time, you didn't know or you didn't feel ready to admit it. That's it. And if they say anything like, "Yeah, but you denied it last month when I asked," just tell them the truth. You weren't ready yet--you were still settling the issue for yourself. If they're real friends, they will understand.

    I completely understand what you mean about no longer being a person with an opinion. Now you the gay person with the opinion. It'll be tough for people not to extrapolate from your opinion and assume that you speak for the entire gay community. Really, that's just ignorance on their part, and I mean that in the purest sense. They may simply not know other gay people, and since you're the only one, that's all they have to go on. I'm not black, but I know from my black friends and students that the same thing often happens to them. They're not just offering an opinion, they're giving a "black" perspective on the topic.

    But once your friends become more comfortable with the fact that you're gay, that will fall away, and your orientation will become just part of who you are. It might just take a little time for them to adjust.

    As far as how to tell your family and close friends, I'm a proponent of telling people you're close to in person. Not everyone agrees, so you'll have to do what feels right to you.

    There's another thread somewhere (I think in LGBT Later In Life) where people are talking about wearing a rainbow bracelet once they're out to their close friends and family as a way to more subtly let people know they're gay. If people have questions, then they can ask--if they don't, then you're spared having to come out again and again.

    I'm of a different generation than you, but for what it's worth, I personally do not plan on an official coming out on FB. I figure I'll continue to tell people close to me and then just not hide it from anyone else, and when it comes up, it comes up.

    I don't know if this has been helpful, but I hope so. I wish you luck.

    --Zoe
     
  3. GenericUsername

    Regular Member

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    Zoe,

    I can't tell you how helpful this was to hear. i think i knew and still know that I am ready, just needed reassuring that I wasn't rushing things or reacting to circumstances.

    As for what you say about friends and their perceptions, that also makes a lot of sense and hopefully this will fade after time. If it doesn't I suppose i cannot let their (potential) ignorance be a factor in this decision.

    As for how to come out to the masses, this is a decision I can make in time. For now I will tell those closest to me in person and see where it goes from there.

    Once again I would like to thank you for your kind advice and offer my congratulations on your own coming out.
     
  4. Zoe

    Zoe
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    Generic-

    I'm so glad I was helpful to you. I know how tough this process is. And I completely agree that you can't let your friends' potential ignorance or reaction dictate your behavior. You have to be who you are. The alternative is to live in secrecy, and that can eat away at you emotionally. So many people on the forum wish they had had the courage to come out earlier--they feel it would have saved them and others much heartbreak and sadness.

    For me, I was so ready to come out, to be honest, I didn't really think hard about the consequences. I just knew I had to do it and it was time. Not to say there aren't consequences (such as a divorce) but I'm so glad I didn't think too hard about what might happen. I feel so good now that I've come out, and if I had thought about it to hard, I probably wouldn't have done it.

    Yes, you have plenty of time to think about how to come to the masses. :slight_smile:

    And thank you for the congrats. I very much appreciate it. :slight_smile:

    --Zoe