Do you think it is ever possible to come out to an incredibly homophobic family?

First of all, I'm sending you some hugs (*hug*) (*hug*) (*hug*)

Your situation seems pretty uneasy From my personal experience I know that laws in former states of USSR are not very LGBT-friendly. In some of them it's getting better, somewhere it's just still bad.

Do not try to be someone who you are not, because that would only make you unhappy. I see you're already considering finding a better place to live. It could be a really good way how to solve this problem, but it's up to you - I don't know how dependent (psychically dependent) you are on your family. Do you see any chance of them changing their mind? If not, your life after coming out might not be very happy where you live.

I don't dare to advise you any further, it's all up to you. But remember that this is your life to live and that you should focus on your happiness.

Stay strong! (*hug*)

 

I didn't vote in your poll because I have two feelings towards your situation.

I personally view family as something you don't choose. (Well, obviously.) What I mean by that is, if they reject you - or, if you fear they will reject you - you have every right to leave them behind you. I'm very lucky in that my family accepts me fully, and I have no problems with any of them. But if any of them did have a problem with my homosexuality, I would leave them in a heartbeat. Just because they're my family doesn't mean they're invincible. If I'm subject to their hatred, they aren't worth my love.

At the same time, if you feel there's a chance of them accepting you, or even acknowledging it in the first place, you might be able to stick with them. It all depends on what you want from your life and if your family can fit into it.

My dad accepts that I'm gay, but we never talk about it. We don't need to. It's probably not his preferred orientation for me, but my dad and I have a weird relationship where it doesn't really matter - partially because he doesn't care to talk about it and partially because it hasn't affected my life since telling him. I can fit him into my life plan because I don't intend on having my homosexuality greatly influence my life. I'm going to have kids one day, though, and I'm more than prepared to have my dad bring up the fact that I'm gay (probably as some sort of "But a gay father?!" comment). If need be, I'll drop him. Simple as that.

That's my attitude towards family - and though I love my family a lot, if they turn on me I'll turn on them.

I'm sorry you're having so much trouble with your family. As you said, you're a close-knit group so it's easy for me to say "drop 'em" without really understanding from your own personal perspective.

 

I actually have the exact same situation as you. To the point where I can't feel like even considering telling them because I know they'd be disappointed, possibly hate me, feel hurt, etc. I'm rather close with my family. If I argue with any of my younger siblings or parents... it's over little things and then we may even laugh or joke about it afterwards. I've been living with them for my entire life so far, and I love them. Ultimately, I wouldn't want them disappointed in me and even if I told them and they rejected/disowned me.. I'd still really love and miss them, and feel like I'd probably regret it afterwards, and just feel a whole lot of pain about it. I'm not close with my extended family, but just my immediate family. (4 younger siblings I'm quite close with, 4 nephews, 3 sister in laws, 3 older half siblings, and my parents - it's only my older half siblings and a couple of my sister in laws I don't see too often.. other than that, I get along with the rest of them and see them regularly). So, I think I do know some of what you're worried about. Because my family is quite homophobic, too, unfortunately. :/

 

Yes it's possible. However, you have to be ready for negative "fall-out". Some parents go as far as kicking their teen out on the street and never talking to them again when the teen comes out. a lot of parents are accepting some are not. It really does depend on your circumstances.

 

I hate that your in this situation I have almost the same problem. My family, though conservative and Eastern Orthodox Christian, are a little accepting of homosexuality. Though they find it disgusting, they also recognize that it is not by choice and "pity" the poor souls affected by it... So coming out to my family may or may not go good. My immediate family (mainly my my sisters, mom, and grandparents) I figure will be accepting. My sister already knows, and is very accepting and i hope my other sister will be too. My mom, eh. My grandparents don't have much power over me and I know will still love me even if they don't agree... It's just one person I have a problem with... My uncle. Who is 7 months older than me. Who is a brother to me. Who I share a room with. Who wants all homosexuals to be wiped off the face of this earth and burned in hell. (He has said that, and argued it many times)... So ya, I have a feeling we won't much have a relationship when I come out to my family, but here's what I think. Soon, I will be 18 and be my own person and be able to express my human rights. One of those rights, is to make my own family and teach values that are more tolerant and accepting. You should keep in mind that even if your family denies you, you'll find a man who will love you, and if you wish, you can adopt and have a new family.

 

You have to be able to be independent of them if you want to tell them. It would be a mistake to tell them when you still need them for financial support, a place to live, etc. if you can be free of them and want to tell them for the sake of honesty and authenticity, tell them. I myself, am 56, and probably will never tell my mother, just because I'm not close to her, never have been and I don't want to deal with her reaction.

---------- Post added 8th Jun 2013 at 03:12 PM ----------

Wayne,

One day your uncle will discover the hidden homosexuality that's driving his hatred.

 

I think so too, i mean, he is in marching band :roflmao: Although no... one time, before I even started question myself, we were talking on the bus. Now, we are like brothers and act as so, and I was going to whisper something to him about a friend sitting next to us, so I put my arm around him and grabbed his shoulder to lean him closer to me so I could whisper it to him, the mother****** slugged me in the face! I was like "wtf???" he literally said, "Your trying to do gay s**t"... I literally just think he is a straight, hateful branleur.

 

Still sounds just homophobic to me, could be because he's really closeted. Difficult to say though. I have a friend, who I suspect, is very closeted too. He is the only one of my friends who has said to me that they have a problem with my homosexuality. There's not much I can do about it though until he realises that he's gay too, and comes out.


But Moskva! I think you could maybe think of a way out. And get some distance from your family. Get your own life. And then maybe slowly test the ice and maybe talk to someone you trust and think might not react too badly in your family. And if it all goes wrong, you already have a way to get out of that place and situation. Most people are ready to change their opinions once it is about someone who they really love. It just takes some time. But in the mean time, it's good to have a Plan B.