Almost every one of my friends knows me as a transman and everyone else knows me as that guy with the girly voice. My parents, however, are a completely different story. They know that I have people call me "Theo[dore]," but they don't really understand why. In their eyes, I'm just their very "Tomboyish" girl. They don't know that I am very uncomfortable in this body and that I have a homemade binder and STP device. However, my problem is not simply coming out to them. I know that they are very open-minded, accepting people. They've even brought up that I can love whoever I want, regardless of gender. For the actual problem, I'm going to need to give some back-story. I was born six years apart from my brother, who my mother had to raise at the age of 17. The thing is, she never really wanted a boy. She was hoping for a girl. That's why, six years later, she decided to have me. When I was younger, she tried to get me to play with Barbies, wear dresses, and join ballet classes. To appease my mother, I tried to do these things, but never found any enjoyment in them. I didn't know what to do with the Barbies and ended up going to play with my toy cars and dogs, I always ended up taking off my dresses and wearing something that my mother wouldn't kill me if I went to roll in mud with, and I even got kicked out of ballet class. I remember my mother whispering to my grandma one time, "Why can't she just be more like a girl?" as I was getting the boy accessories for my build-a-bear. As I got older, I attempted suicide with those strings that pull up the blinds because I knew I would never be able to make my mother happy because of who I was. So, my problem is my mother's feelings. The only reason she put up with another child was to have a girl. The only reason I exist is to be a girl. I've already hurt her enough by simply being who I am. Imagine how much it would hurt her to come out. It'd be like saying, "I don't respect the fact that you gave birth to me so here let me just rub it in your face that I will never be what you want me to be." I really don't want to be that kind of person, but at the same time I know I'll never be truly happy if I don't tell them. So, if you managed to read this far, do you have any suggestions? Thanks.
Hi there buddy, and welcome to EC The situation is a lil bit complicated. First of all I think your mother shouldn't have told you why she had you. But I'm not here to make a moral judgement. I'm here to help you as best as I can. The thing is, you've got three options in my opinion. 1. Don't tell her anything about you being trans. You'll have to lie. And you will start to distance from her. Cause if you're gonna live your life as a trans man you won't be able to keep very much in touch with her, particularly if you're going for hormones or surgery. Bottom line, you lie to her but you get to live your life as the man you are. 2. Don't tell her and act as a girl for the rest of your life, you'll be able to keep in touch with her and fulfill her wishes of a brilliant "daughter", and I'm saying "daughter" cause you'll be playing a daughter and it's not what you really are. Bottom line, you make her happy, but you'll probably will live a miserable life. 3. Tell her you are in fact a boy. Deal with the situation of coming out with all the support you can get (from us and a little help from your friends) and hopefully, in time and with effort, she'll accept you for who you are. Bottom line: you'll live your life as the man you are, with much support and hopefully, with her support too. It't not the easiest route, but it's the most rewarding one. Btw, the reason you exist isn't cause your mom wanted a girl, and I want to make this clear, you exist to change other people's lives Like ours!
Thanks for responding, Martjain. I should clarify that my mother is a very logical and ethical person. She's never directly said to me that she only had me because she wanted a girl, but it's glaringly obvious. (Though there always is the possibility that I'm wrong.) I'm sure she would accept me, I'm just not sure of how to say it to her without hurting her too much. I do love my mother but I feel as if all I'm doing is making her life worse. I've been drifting away from her as you said in Option One but that's not what I want to do. She's a wonderful person and I just wish she had another daughter or something so that it didn't fall upon me to be the "girly" one. I know that Option Three is always in reach, I just don't know how to get there. How do I say it to her? Thank you again for taking time out of your day to respond to me. It means a lot. P.S. Sorry if this isn't the right way to respond, I'm new to using forums despite how many I've read.
Unfortunately this is the only way to communicate for now, since we are both regular members, the forums are the only place we can use, but don't underestimate them. As for your mother, I'm sure she will be happy as long as you are happy, that's what my mother always tells me. Maternal love is really deep, and I'm sure she wouldn't be happy to know you're hiding who you really are just to please her. As to how/when to say it, there's still time for that, and you'll find that a lot of these ppl will gladly help you come out to your mom as best as you can, but don't pressure yourself, cause you won't be able to handle things gracefully. No, thank you for opening my mind a little bit more (*hug*)
A few thoughts. One, it sounds like it might be hard for your mom to accept you being trans* for all the reasons you think it would be hard. But it also sounds like she will be able to come to terms with it. So you should come out to her. The reality is, from what you've said here, it won't exactly be a shock. She knows you're not 'girly' in the sense she expected you'd be, this is one step further, in that you're not a girl like she'd expected you'd be. But even though a parent might grieve for the picture of their child that they expected, it does not mean they can't recover from that or that they'll always be wishing the child was different. It means they need to grieve that expectation and get over it and it'll be okay. Two, your mother entirely aside, you have to live your life the way you see fit and be who you are for yourself first and foremost. It seems like you know this already, which is good. And what you're saying right now is that you're feeling like you should come out out to your mom, so you should do that not just for her to start the process of acceptance but also because then you're out of that closet. Your mom might be a little sad that she does not have a daughter, but you know what? It's not on you to be what your mom wants you to be. Her sadness isn't about you and it's not because of you. It's about her. And she'll be okay. It's not on you to be everything that your parents (or anyone else) expects of you. It's only on you to be who you are.
Martjain: Thank you for your support. I guess I needed someone who has empathy on a similar issue to talk to. I've always trapped myself to deal with the issue alone. I guess you'll never find the light when you turn them off. For now, I'll keep thinking. And you as well. ---------- Post added 7th Jun 2013 at 10:56 PM ---------- thedreamwatch: Thank you as well. I'll continue searching my mind for a way to tell her, and maybe the day won't be too far away thanks to people like you.
Another point that I don't think anyone has brought up yet, your mom decided to have you because she wanted another child. Maybe she was hoping for a girl, but she had no way to know that you were born female when she chose to have you. You could just as easily have been born a male and she would have loved you the same. Either way you are still her child and that shouldn't change how she feels about you. I am certainly no expert on this topic, but I thought I would chime in also. Hopefully this made sense.
