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Being gay and sexual harassment?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by piratealisonnn, Jun 9, 2013.

  1. piratealisonnn

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    Soo I am out to my family, friends, pretty much anyone who asks or gets a wind of my conversations. I don't flaunt it and push it in people's faces but if they ask, then I tell them, nothing to be ashamed of.

    The problem is at work. I am in management and had to take a sexual harassment course. If I talk about my girlfriend and it makes someone uncomfortable, that can be considered sexual harassment and I can get in lots of trouble for it. I don't think it's fair that I should have to hide this part of me since other people talk about their significant others. I'm just worried that as I continue to hire new people, they're gonna have an issue with my sexuality and possibly get me in trouble about it. (It's been brought up before by an employee that talking about it could make others uncomfortable, so I know it's in the backs of some of their minds.)

    I don't go into explicit details or anything of the sorts, just casual conversations.

    Has anyone encountered this before?
     
  2. KnownSecret

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    I don't see how it could be sexual harassment if you are just talking about your significant other! I think it would be really homophobic for someone to file a sexual harassment claim because your a lesbian talking about your girlfriend. And I truly just don't see a sexual harassment charge of that type getting anywhere at all! That would be like normal harassment if someone made a sexual harassment charge just because you were talking about your gf I mean if they talk about their relationships are you allowed to make a claim on them (NO!) so this just sounds completely wrong to me and if someone made a sexual harassment charge on you they are just sick! Idk how to go on this I guess because I have no similar experience but I guess if I was you I would try and make sure to figure out who would freak out with it and who wouldn't and only talk about relationships to certain people. Also maybe go talk to your boss, and see what he/she thinks would be the best route to take. Your boss should be good (unless your boss is homophobic). Good luck I hope everything goes good, sorry if my advice isn't the best advice you will see :wink:

    ~Zack~
     
    #2 KnownSecret, Jun 9, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2013
  3. Orpheus122

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    To me you should be picky with the people you say it.Because not everyone will feel comfortable or be able to understand.Remember..we live in a homophobic world.Be who you are,but also be more wary because some people are cruel..Soo..be yourself in a secure way. :slight_smile:
     
  4. Red and Blue

    Red and Blue Guest

    This sounds like a horrible sexual harassment policy. You should be able to talk about your significant other same as straight people. If you feel up to the task you could make a complaint and try to have the policy changed. I don't know the whole situation and don't want to get you in trouble with anyone but you shouldn't be subjected to disciplinary action for talking about your loved ones.

    I had someone tell me that his father is homophobic based on religious principles. He felt he was being discriminated against for his religious views because he was not allowed to discriminate against homosexuals. The policy your company has seems designed to protect idiots like him.
     
  5. Aldrick

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    Are you certain that this is your companies policy? It doesn't make much sense. Do they have any written rules that you can refer back to as evidence?

    If you are certain that this is their policy my suggestion is to look for a lawyer who offers a free consultation. Visit that lawyer (and perhaps several others) and discuss your situation, make it clear that you haven't been acted against YET, but you want advice on what should happen if you ARE penalized for being open about your sexual orientation.

    I am unsure about the laws in Massachusetts, but your employer may be violating some anti-discrimination laws. Now, obviously you don't want to let your boss or anyone at work know that you've spoken to a lawyer.

    However, once you know your legal standing, your options become more clear. If your employer is in violation of the law, then my advice is just to be yourself and not worry about it. If you suffer some sort of grievance as a result of being open, speak to your employer about the unfairness of the policy. If you are at risk of losing your job or facing some other repercussions, you can go back to your lawyer and discuss your options.

    If you find out that your employer is in the clear, and that yes - they can indeed have this policy, and there is nothing you can do about it... then your path forward becomes more complicated. My advice would be to question your employer on the policy, asking why there is a double standard. This may simply be the case of straight privilege causing a blind spot in their policy, and they may move to change it upon realizing the double standard.

    If, on the other hand, your employer is intent on keeping this bigoted policy, my advice is to begin planning on leaving their employment. Begin secretly job hunting, and actively seeking a business that will support and value you as an employee.
     
  6. piratealisonnn

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    Thank you for this! There have been other openly gay managers who have worked for the same company as me and have had no issues as far as I know. But just the comments from a couple employees have had me worried.

    I will definitely look into all this! :slight_smile:
     
  7. Aldrick

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    Do not worry. If you get a free consultation with a lawyer, you don't have to pay a retainer fee or anything like that. You just want to know your legal rights, the laws of your state, and what exactly you should do if you find yourself in a bad situation. You shouldn't be intimidated to speak to a lawyer - keep in mind that a consultation is like a job interview for them. Should you have need of their services, you'd be their boss. So, this isn't an intimidating experience at all, most of them are going to be generous, gracious, helpful, and polite.

    Once you know where you stand legally on things, the way forward for you becomes much more clear.

    I'm glad to help. :slight_smile:
     
    #7 Aldrick, Jun 9, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 9, 2013
  8. Pret Allez

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    I think that you need to have a conversation about this with human resources. I never really considered how this would work, but you're right that there is a double standard. I actually think that the way sexual harassment laws/courses/workshops are set up right now is actually extremely problematic.

    By setting it up so the offense is committed whenever someone else feels uncomfortable, it actually sets trans*, gay, lesbian and bisexual people in a very bad position.

    I would bring it up specifically and ask them (probably in writing) how some situations would be handled. If you bring up your partner, that should not be cause to a sexual harassment complaint. But you need to get HR to say that.
     
  9. Tightrope

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    It totally depends. Some states are more protective of civil rights, and others less. Sometimes, these states can be right next to each other! It's like a patchwork.

    I have experienced it but it's also a generational thing and a cultural thing. I was an unmarried male in an organization and type of work culture where being married and having a family was the norm. I have had issues from just sort of being overlooked for promotion possibilities, to subtle snide remarks, and one issue of outright harassment. I won't even go into it, but the internal way it was handled was so poor, and I didn't bother to gather evidence as it was occurring because it came out of left field, grown men are supposed to sort of "deal with it," and I was going to leave to go work somewhere else anyway.

    I think that things are different now, or at least I hope so, and that, in any decent organization, those who DO the harassing are the ones who face consequences. Also, it depends on the style of the company, the type of work they do, and things like that. I would really consider that before joining up with a place of work (slightly less so if it's just a pass-through job like restaurant work while going to school) and possibly factoring it in to what you choose to study. Let's face it. People aren't going to change and bullying/harassment still goes on today as it did when I was a teen, though I didn't see much of it - but it still bothered me that it even existed. So, yes, I would have factored it into what I would have chosen to study and do. And the important thing to do if it IS happening is to document what is going on, by keeping a diary or copies of e-mails and whatnot. It's simply inexcusable.
     
  10. smokey-knows-all

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    that seems like bullshit descrimination