For the last year and a half my boyfriend and I have been together. We are very much in love. We are also still in the closet. Two of my closest friends know about me but nobody knows about my boyfriend. Here is my problem. He doesn't plan to come out for a long time if he ever does. I could understand 4-5 years but he is talking 15-20 years. We are sophomores in college and I can't imagine waiting 20 years to start my life. I've talked to him multiple times and he says he can't guarantee anything. He says he loves me and wants everything to work out. In the mean time he says he has to hook up with women to keep his image. And he does. He has always been the type of guy women are attracted to. He's handsome, sweet, can sing. Girls are lined up to be with him. I'm so scared but he constantly reassures me it's ok. I love him so much but every time I see him with another person it breaks my heart. I've been very depressed lately and have suffered multiple anxiety attacks. I know he cares about me and he realizes it hurts me but his image is just so important to him. What do I do? I can't see myself without him.
Why is he scared to come out? If he can support himself financially, and can live independently, eventually, he can come out and risk a bad reaction from parents and friends, sensibly speaking, at least somewhere down the line. I know it's hard to risk rejection from loved ones, but hiding and play-acting is much more harmful to both him and potentially your relationship. At some point he has to decide which he values more: his image or his life with you. I'm not saying that you should give him an ultimatum, but you have to let him know how you feel, as hiding your hurt or not letting know how you feel is not conductive to a happy relationship with him. As you both are still young, it sounds, things may change, but it's worrying that he, as of now, does not feel as though he can come out until he's... like 35 or 40? I assume as much, at any rate.
Are you happy? I know it's super cliche question, but that's what's important. I doesn't matter if you don't know what to do without him. It's hard seeing your loved one with another person, whether it's real or not. So you gotta ask yourself, am I happy like this? and more important, can I stand 15-20 years of lying and hiding. I'm not saying dump your boyfriend, he seems like a loving person who just is pressed by society's straight standards. All I'm saying is, talk to him, tell him how you feel now, and tell him if you can stand 15-20 years hiding and lying. If he loves you, the two of you must agree to do something on the situation. Hug.
We've talked, his main fear is his family. We live in Southern Mississippi, a.k.a the Bible Belt. My parents especially my mom would accept me. His family though is very religious and southern conservative. He is very close to his family and can't imagine being rejected by his mother, whom he is very close too. Yes I'm incredibly happy with him, it's when we're in public or away from each other that I get anxiety.
You really have to ask yourself if you're happy. If you can't stand lying and seeing him with other people for 15-20 years, maybe you need to rethink some things or at least talk to him. I'm not saying break up, but you have to talk about it. He says he wants everything to work out, in order for things to work out, he needs to stop worrying so much about his image and stop hooking up with women. That is the first step to working things out. I'm not saying he has to come out right here, right now, but he has to stop hooking up with people while he is with you. I know it is hard to see your life without someone you truly and deeply love, but he needs to decide something. Which is more important: his image or you? That is the question he needs to answer. He also needs to answer whether or not he is happy going on like this. I hope everything works out for you guys. I would hate to hear about a relationship ending because one of the people is worried about their image so much that thy would hook up with other people and hurt the one they love. Anyways, good luck. I hope me and other posters can help you out. (&&&)
He's definitely not comfortable with his sexuality or himself. He wouldn't have to hook up with women to preserve his "image" if he was. I personally couldn't imagine being in a relationship with someone like that, especially considering he's talking over a decade to even come out. He needs to start taking what you want into consideration. If he truly loves you he will.
I am also in a year and a half closeted relationship. My boyfriend sounds a bit like yours. He has not accepted himself an he used to tell me that he may never want to come out. I know that I want to come out some day, just was not sure when. I still have not come out, but I feel like I am getting closer to being ready. I decided to stay with him early on and try to help him become more comfortable with himself. It is still very much a work in progress, but he says he doesn't care about coming out any more, so things can change. Your boyfriend may say something right now, but his view on it could also change in the future. The bigger problem I see with your relationship is that he hooks up with girls. Are you sure he is not at all bisexual and into girls. And would you be ok with that if he was. Personally, I would tell him that he needs to stop sleeping around with women if he wants to maintain a relationship with you. But that is something you need to decide for yourself.
I wouldn't mind him being bisexual as long as he was committed to me. Like I stated earlier I think it's just for his image. I just hope he doesn't choose to be straight to avoid the fear of coming out.
If he is really in love with you, then I don't see it being likely he will "choose" to be straight for any reason. If you don't mind me asking, how did you guys meet?
Our summer orientation freshman year. We hated each other at first but then we were grouped together all weekend because we got the same scholarship . I think we both figured each other out instantly. We kept in contact the rest of the summer, then we were next door neighbors our freshman year. That really helped us get as close as we are now.
