Hello Everyone, My sexuality has been an on-going struggle for the better part of a decade but I've been fairly open with a close number of people-including my mother but not my father. Over the course of my adolescence I was highly condemned for being attracted and intimate with women. Fortunate for me, I have been fairly strong in tolerating people's negative opinions about this. Still, some days were easier than others. In high school I had a strong support system but even then I cried over my mother's hateful words and having "fag" carved into my locker. When I was a teen I considered myself bi-sexual though primarily interested in women. My first kiss came from a woman and to this day my most intimate interpersonal friendships and relationships are with women. Out of moral conviction I pushed myself aside for the sake of others and in 2010 became pregnant with my son. Within my inner social circle it's been fairly known that I love women and publically rally for gay rights. Within the early stages of my relationship with B-my son's father-I received the third degree from my local gay community and praise from my family. I have since spent the last two years attempting to construct what I considered to be a "normal" family structure for myself and my son. As time continues to pass, however, I find myself carrying greater and greater pain on a day to day basis. Even to the excrutiating level of considering drastic options.. Quite basically, I've deciding living a lie is not honorable nor is it the message I want to send my son about love and relationships. Last night B and I "broke the seal" with this very difficult conversation. Tears were shed and words were said but ultimately B is a great man and an even better father. His compassion has been indescribably appreciated where most men would express anger. He has been loyal and loving-even over the past sex-less six months. This makes this situation all the more painful. I have been very concerned about interrupting my son's life in an irrevocabale way. With that, I would love the advice of fellow parent's who struggle with the daunting task of balancing personal fulfillment and family life. What is your story? How did your children and partner react? Thank you, Ellen (&&&)
A lot of people in the LGBT Later in Life sub-forum have gone through issues with children and family similar to what you're going through right now. I will say that I think it's difficult to be the best parent you can be if you're unhappy and living a lie. I think a big part of being a parent involves also taking care of yourself and your needs, and not just that of your children. It's also better to handle this now rather than later, because waiting doesn't make any of it easier. You're not alone in what you're going through. A lot of people have walked a mile in your shoes, and though the road in the beginning was difficult; I believe most of them have ended up much happier and more fulfilled in the end. Welcome to EC. (*hug*)
Thank you so much. As I continue to seek community and comfort in literature I am learning just how much I am not alone. I will look into the forum recommendation. I agree with you in that while its been a slow growing pain-my best friend has drilled into me that my needs are sound and valid and ultimately in the best interest of my son. I can't believe it took me two years to understand that.. Thanks again!
