Hey, guys. Before I go on, I'd like to say that there will probably be some grammatical mistakes since English isn't my first language...just ignore those bits lol. I am 20 years old, I was born and raised in a not-so-liberal part of the city of Durban - South Africa in a very conservative and religious old school afrikaner family. This is basically my story: I just came to terms with my sexuality a few months ago, honestly, I guess I have always known that I was gay and felt attracted to guys since I was a preteen, I just didn't want to admit it lol. Talk about living in denial. SMH Like I said before, my parents are very religious and conservative . I was pretty much raised in church and all members of my family hold relevant positions in our church (myself included), therefore, this coupled with the fact that my family is absolutely totally against homosexuality is why I am not going to come out to them ever. They would never accept a gay son! Jeez, just yesterday my mother made a shocking comment about the gay pride thing going on in Cape Town this month.. saying that they're going to hell because God hates them and when I tired to challenge her, she started throwing some bible verses. at me to support her claims..little did she know that her own son is one of those people who according to her bible verses are going to hell, little did she know that I amwas dying a little inside because of that comment. You know what, I am extremely tired of living a life full of lies. Gosh, every single day I have to wake up and deal with this kind of stupidity and prejudice. it's depressing. I am sure my friends are homophobic too lol they make homophobic, racist and sexist remarks on a daily basis. I wish I could vanish from this place and never return. South Africa is far from being the "rainbow nation". But I have nowhere to go. I do want to come out to them but that will surely change our relationship. They are the ones paying for my university tuition and fees which means that I am still financially dependent on them and coming out would imply me being "disowned", kicked out, alone, with nowhere to go. I don't except people around me to fully accept me ( I'd be asking too much since they will never understand what I am going through), I just want to have a normal life like anybody else,, don't I have that right?? Can't I be happy too? Why does It have to be me crying every night because of something that I have no control of? I know there are people going through the same thing as me right now and people who have gone through the same thing in the past. Here's a stupid question to you all: what am I supposed to do? Guys, I am damn scared of my own fuck*ng future.
Hi, Welcome to EC! You are 20 years old why not study abroad in a gay friendly city, if financially possible, and never go back to the oppression. In short immigrate. Your English is flawless. Pat yourself on the back for that.
(*hug*)I feel for you, Bruno Afro. Is there a gay-straight alliance at your university? Perhaps there is a professor or staff member that would be sympathetic. It sounds like you just need someone to talk with face 2 face. I got good advice from a liberal campus minister when I was coming out. If you're at a secular university they tend to be more accepting places. I hope you get the :help: you need.
I would love to do that thank you very much. But that's not financially possible for me, unfortunately. I am waiting till I graduate from uni (2 years from now) to go try my luck in Cape Town which is the San Francisco of South Africa. ---------- Post added 11th Jun 2013 at 09:26 AM ---------- Thank you, Biguy50. I attend a very small arts university and unfortunately there's no alliance of the sort there. And you guessed it right, I need someone to talk personally. Perhaps I should seek shrink help? I heard it helps sometimes.
I am not sure about shrinks in South Africa. If the norm in your area is to discourage same sex thinking - then a shrink may focus on trying to make you not gay - this typically makes a guy more confused not less Perhaps you should consider finding other gay men on here - perhaps look at the list of members and find other men/women in SA
First of all, you need to pat yourself on the back. This is a major step in your life. Knowing who you are is critically important to how things turn out in the future. This is a turning point in your life, and despite the obvious obstacles you will face - it's a good one. It's good because it means you're going to begin living authentically - you're going to begin embracing who you truly are, and not what other people want you to be. I also grew up in a very rural and conservative area surrounded by religious people. (Fundamentalist Southern Baptists to be exact.) I know what you're going through, and what you're feeling. It sucks like hell, but the important thing to remember is that you survived it. In spite of what they taught you and how they feel, you're still here. There are a lot of gay people who don't make it this far, many people struggle and take their own lives. You're a survivor and you're stronger for it. It's important in this next phase to move to a place where religion can no longer be used as a weapon against you. This either means reconciling your feelings on your religion, and finding a space where you're able to push back against the bigotry. Alternatively, it could mean leaving religion behind all together. This is a journey in and of itself that is both connected and separate from your sexual orientation. I've been in that situation before, and it's like a knife that cuts right through your heart. Part of you wants to curl up in a corner and just die. That's the sting of shame and rejection. It hurts like a bitch. What's important to remember is that we are not responsible for the feelings of other people. If someone is offended about us, if someone is hurt, or upset - then that is their problem, not ours. We are simply trying to live our lives in the most authentic manner possible. It's best not to take ownership of those feelings, and instead let those who have them own it for themselves. Your job from this point forward should be to begin distancing yourself from your family and friends. Seek out people who you believe might accept you. Surround yourself by people who will love you for who you are, so that you don't have to pretend to be something you're not to win their approval. Then you want to complete University. Plan ahead for your next move - where are you going to go? You need to become financially independent. Once you're no longer dependent upon your parents and family, and once you've built a supportive network of friends around yourself (and they know the real you), then you can come out to them if you so choose. This is your best bet moving forward, and will provide you with the best opportunity for happiness. You have a bright future ahead of you, should you choose to take the correct steps to seize it, what your family does is ultimately up to them. It's a decision they ultimately have to live with, but it is one that you shouldn't feel responsible for in any way. Welcome to Empty Closets. (*hug*)
How good are your marks? Maybe you should look into whether you could get a scholarship or something.
Ah nunu! This is just so heartbreaking to read. I can honestly only imagine how bad all this must be for you. Congratulations on coming to terms with yourself, it was difficult for me too. I only really understood myself about a year ago. Just a few months back, I found myself at the Pride Parade in Cape Town. It really gave me hope that one day people will accept us. But anyway, back to your situation. I don't think there is much you can do in your situation, since you aren't financially independent. I wouldn't risk it. I know how people can be here in SA. Reading about people in your situation really makes me realise how easy I've had it up until now. Sterkte met alles wat jy kies om te doen. (My Afrikaans is rommel)
Hey there Bruno. Its great you have been able to accept who you are as many people dont even reach that stage. I am South African as well and being Indian means a conservative background also (didnt we write the Kama Sutra though?). I hear you totally about not being sure what to do and my opinion for anybody in your situation is to first become independent from your family since they are clearly extremely homophobic, before coming out etc. Thats what i did, you dont want to be shunned etc by them right now when you are pretty much dependent on them. Having gay friends will help alot so you still have support while not being out. I know it must be very difficult with your living situation...the truth is that it wont last forever...and in fact you are close to graduating, at which point you will be able to be more independent. Hugs to you, guy. Hang on, i believe that God does not believe in hate, discrimination or oppression and in my understanding religion is man made and God is much, much bigger and brighter than anything man-made
You need a boyfriend to tide you over for the next two years, then you need to immigrate out of country, or move to the gayest part of South Africa and find a job there to support yourself. While it would be nice to be able to come out to your friends, it probably isn't worth the risks you would face in your homophobic environment. Since it has been quite a while since you posted this originally, maybe you could update us on what has transpired and whether you have been able to make some contacts with other gay men.
