My mother is at home right now. I could just walk out of my room and say 'I'm not going to marry a man, ever. And I'm not just saying that to piss you off but I really don't want to and I don't have to. I want to marry a woman instead.". I wouldn't just say that out of the blue but first I'd start with "Have you heard of the new changes to the constitution?" and "Do you think they'll start taking measures against gay people now?" and "What do you think of the upcoming Pride march?" then I'd say what I really want to say but it seems so surreal as I'm writing it. I mean I can imagine it playing out in my head but not in reality. Like do I just say it and then beg her not to tell anyone or do I first say 'I want to tell you something but first you have to promise not to tell anyone about it.' ?? I'm scared of being called ridiculous and an attention seeker, like doing what I'm supposed to do is just not good enough for me. She calls me hurtful stuff all the time. And they are not even true but they still hurtful. I'm not sure how well I could handle it if she used this against me because it is true and very real. And it's not even her approval I want. She doesn't mean that much to me (that's very bad of me to say, I know). But telling the postman would give me the same sense of satisfaction and it wouldn't be this risky either. I don't know what to do. Should I trust her and take the risks or not say anything and distance myself even more?
