Anyone willing to read my coming-out letter?

I finally finished my letter to my father about a week ago; my first copy of it, anyway. It's rather lengthy and I don't know whether it's good enough or will get the point across. Plus, I don't know what I should keep in or add to it. I originally thought about giving it to my mother to look over (I've already come-out to her), but I want to try and get this letter right and come-out to my father without her help (because she gave me the option of letting her tell my father that I'm gay, but I wouldn't accept it).

Would anyone be willing to read it if I post it, or give some general advice?

 

(front page)

Dear Dad,
I love you and respect you, even if sometimes it may not seem that way. You have brought me fishing, to the archery range, have attended my music concerts, and you have always been there for me. But I have been hiding something from you and I know that you have noticed. I believe that you feel as if you are left out because I have chosen to trust Briana and mom before you. I can see how much that can hurt and I am sorry for making you wait so long to hear what I have to say. I have chosen to write you this letter because I was afraid to do this out loud; whether that is because I thought that I wouldn’t be able to get the words out in the way that I intended or for you to interrupt or any other number of things. Writing has always been my safe haven- a place where I can show who I truly am. It can help others understand what I cannot speak out loud and that is why I ask for you to hear me out now, and read and try to understand what I am about to tell you. I ask for you to read this letter through and try to see my side of things, as well as to comprehend and accept what I have been struggling to tell you.





(next page)



Dad, I do not want to lie to you any longer. I do not like lying, although I have only done so when I thought it was necessary. This secret hasn’t been necessary, but I have led myself to believe that it was because I was confused, because I was anxious, and because I was scared. But this letter is one of my writings and I do not will myself to lie in my writings.

I am gay, in the sense that I like girls.

I am the exact same person as I’ve ever been- a lover of writing, archery, art, and music. Just because I am gay does not mean that I am suddenly a different person. No, I’ve been the same daughter you’ve always loved, even in the past two years or the time that I’ve known I am a homosexual. It may seem early to know- I know that- but I have come to understand and accept myself in that time. I hope you can understand and accept me as well, whether now or in the future.

I already knew that I was different in sixth grade. I did not like the boys as other girls did; they were only friends to me. That is somewhat understandable, of course; everyone gets into dating at different times as they are growing up. But I knew that I was more mature than most of my grade, even then in sixth. It made me feel awkward that I was not like so many of my peers and that is why I threw myself into school work, music, and that was also the time I began to write. I did not need to think about my differences when I was preoccupied with school work, and music and writing allowed an escape that I’d never had before. In a way, one of the reasons I’ve become so infatuated with music and writing is because they offer comfort when I don’t allow myself to turn to other people for help or consoling.

In seventh grade was when everything changed for me. It may be the year you noticed me getting surer of myself, going more out of my comfort zone and changing. That is because when I was in seventh grade I got my first crush. I’d never had crushes before that; not serious ones anyway. I would rant off a random guy’s name when girls would ask me who I was crushing on and I wouldn’t care what would happen after that. In seventh grade though I finally got a crush that was serious, and it was on a girl. Only a few months in I noticed how she made me feel. She made me feel happy whenever I was around her and we had so many common interests that we never ran out of conversation. We could laugh together, but we could also talk about deeper things, such as family, friends, worries, and what scared us the most. When I was around her it wouldn’t matter what other people thought of me, only that I could be myself in her presence. These feelings and realizing the crush that I had on her made me finally think, and I eventually came to the conclusion that I was gay. It seemed as if everything clicked and fell into place in that moment when I was sitting in class right beside her. After I came to that conclusion I noticed my other feelings and desires; how I wanted to hold and comfort her when she was feeling sad or stressed out, and I worried about her wellbeing far above my own. In seventh grade I did things I never thought I would do; I started archery, began standing up for myself, and initiated embracing my differences instead of thinking badly of them. In a way, most of it was because of her.

In eighth grade I still thought about her. I was more aware of my sexuality and it spurred me forward to make more of myself because I knew that I wanted to be known for far more than just the gender I liked and might happen to fall in love with in the future. Today, I still aspire to be a great writer, to be a straight A student, to be an archer, to be a producer of music, to be a good friend, and most importantly to be a daughter that you can be proud of.

It’s hard, though. You have no idea how hard it is. From the very beginning I was struggling. That moment in sixth grade when I realized I was different and through that year when I was so confused and thought that I was completely and utterly on my own and alone. I didn’t want to face how different I was at that time; I became more secluded and I didn’t speak much. I’m sure that you noticed that. I didn’t want to be seen by anyone. I’ve always been somewhat awkward socially, but in sixth grade I really wanted to fade into the shadows, even while at school I tried to talk and keep a smile on my face. I had more problems than just feeling different though; I was put under so much more stress and insecurities when I entered middle school. Then- in seventh grade- more was thrown onto me when I realized I wasn’t straight or heterosexual and that I couldn’t possibly be with the feelings that I had. Just the fact on its own that I had such feelings scared me.

The fact that such feelings weren’t reciprocated hurt me.

The girl that had given so much to my life doesn’t feel the same way I do. She’s “straight as a ruler” as some would say, and there is no chance of her changing her mind. It still hurts me now when i realize that I can never tell or show her how much she means to me. Our relationship has been put under even more pressure as of late by her knowing of my feelings, but of me not being able to talk to her about them because I can’t find the right words to do so. I want to help her and make her understand, but I can’t do it. I’m afraid that the relationship we have- as friends- could fall apart at any moment and I would do anything to avoid such an end because even if we can only be friends I still want her in my life.

I have that relationship to worry about; I don’t want to worry about my relationship with you, or my friends, or my extended family being put into jeopardy either because of who I have fallen for. I cannot help it; I was born this way, and I have only come around to realizing it now. There’s nothing that can stop me from being gay and even if I’ve come to accept it others have to as well, including you.

You are my father; you should love me unconditionally and respect me and be proud of me. I so desperately want that to be true, but I will admit that I am scared of you accepting me or not after reading this letter. I have cried, become anxious, and angered all over the prospect of coming out to you. My feelings are hard to explain when it comes to telling people about my sexuality. My overactive imagination is for once working against me, coming up with scenarios and situations that all leave me with feelings that I can’t begin to make clear. This has haunted me for far too long and it is the reason why I have decided to come out to you. After I’d realized I was gay I had entertained thoughts of never telling anyone; dating boys I’d never fully be connected to, going to prom with a boy I didn’t like, in the future even having a husband, and overall being miserable because I would never have that relationship and connection that I wanted. I have noticed that I do not want that for my life. My sexuality is something that should be a part of me, something that I should be open about and proud of.

You have made homophobic slurs and disgusted remarks about gays in the past; they set me on edge very much. I thought and still somewhat think in the back of my mind that you can never accept me after being told for so long and thinking for so long that being gay is wrong.

I don’t think it is though, Dad. Before I even figured out that I am a homosexual I never understood why someone would be homophobic. You cannot say that being gay is wrong without proof and reason to back you up. What harm is being done? Others can’t affect you unless you allow them to. Also, the whole “gays can’t have kids” is a rather irrelevant argument against how being gay is wrong. Not every couple wants kids, and some can’t even have kids. Beside the point, the world is already overpopulated and what’s wrong with adoption? The list goes on and on, but in the end I can’t see any reason why being gay or homosexual- or any sexuality besides heterosexuality, for that matter- is wrong. I know that you might not see things like I do and that you have different opinions, but believe me when I say that I hope that you can come to terms with such things and that you can accept me. Do research, talk to people, and talk to mom.

That leads me to another point that I am sure you are wondering about; Mom and Briana. I came out to Briana only a couple months after I realized my crush. Honestly, I don’t think she took me rather seriously at that time, but she has kept my secret anyway. Do not blame her for not telling you; I asked her to keep it a secret and she did because she knew it was my secret to tell, not hers. The same happened with mom; she has kept my secret as well because she knows I should be the one to tell you. I’ll admit, when I came out to mom it was some of the hardest few minutes in my life. It might have been a spur of the moment thing, but deep down I knew that that was the exact moment to tell her. I cried when I was coming out to her; I almost never cry in front of anyone. But it felt like such a relief off my shoulders and a feeling that I hope to feel again after you have read this letter.

Mom knew that there was something that had been bothering me. She had guessed that this was one of the reasons that I was so on edge and distant. And she accepted me. After I came out to her she might have asked a few questions, like how long I’d known and kept this secret and if my sexuality had anything to do with my atheism. I’ve kept this secret for almost two years now- you have no idea how long those two years have been for me- and my answer to the second question was “No”. You might think that this is suddenly the answer to the whole question of why I am an atheist, but it is not. I have my reasons for being an atheist and I wish for the subject to be left at that. Such things may frustrate you, but please know that I rarely do or think anything without reason behind it.

I have been seeing a counselor as well, which you already know. In eighth grade was the time that I finally started seeing one. Before then I had been bundling up and storing my feelings away, not trusting anyone enough to just listen about what I had to say and what I’d been thinking. My feelings had been tearing me down, hurting me, and corroding me from the inside out. I had to tell someone and after small persuasion from one of my closer friends (who accepted me and cared about me still, even if I did tell her I was gay) I went and saw the counselor for the first time, around or sometime in August of 2012. We talked about many things; not only my homosexuality. There were topics I did not like discussing with anyone else besides her because I knew that she would accept me, listen, and give advice. Another truth that must be accepted is that I cannot tell you everything; there will always be ideas, feelings, and insecurities that I will never be able to share, or even explain. And I cannot expect you to understand everything that I could possibly tell you anyway because you’re not me and you have different ideals, opinions, and mindset. My point is, please do not get angered because I do not tell you everything or because I saw and still do see a counselor on a regular basis.

The reason behind the creation of this big, long, letter is to come out to you. And now that you’ve read up to this point I have accomplished my goal; you now know that I’m gay. Nothing will change me and I have come to accept myself. If I were to come out to the rest of the world at this very moment I would be okay with doing so. In fact, I do want to come out; to my friends and to other people that I feel obliged to tell. But I did not want to do so yet because I knew that you were the one that I needed to tell first before I came out to anyone else. You are my father that loves me, and I’ve felt terrible for keeping my sexuality a secret for so long and hiding part of myself from you. It wasn’t fair to you at all that I told Briana, mother, and some of my close friends before you, and made them keep such a large secret from you. Hiding my sexuality and keeping these secrets for so long has left its mark on me, but I want to move on with my life without the fear that my father might not accept me because of the gender I like. You have said so many times that you are proud of me and that you would never forget how proud you are. Being gay doesn’t change anything about me; I am still the same person that you’ve always known. I hope that this letter has been eye-opening and that you can accept this part of me.

Thank you for reading and listening, Dad.

Love-
Your Daughter, Lexie

 

Thank you! That quick story about how your father stopped making homophobic comments after you came-out is really great, and gives me hope that my father will do the same.

Also, that small error was probably because I started this letter at the end of seventh grade :icon_redf . I eventually had to change around a lot of words from present to past and all that. I knew there had to be some errors in there somewhere!

 

It's great to know that it reads and sounds heartfelt; I'm trying to get across to my dad what I'm feeling and thinking, hopefully to help him understand my point of view. Thank you for reading it! :icon_bigg

---------- Post added 15th Jun 2013 at 09:58 PM ----------

Thank you for your reading my letter and comment on it! I think this is the final version because I really can't see anything to change about it.

 

Thank you for reading my letter; it's great to hear that I've been able to create something that covers everything that is needed and that is completely heartfelt. I can see your point about the opening paragraph being too long and making a bigger deal out of being gay than is necessary, but I think I'll keep the same opening besides taking out a sentence or two. Your second suggestion though was very useful; I went back and reread it and I did notice that it sounded odd. I eventually changed it to what you had suggested :icon_bigg

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2013 at 08:06 PM ----------

Well, I wouldn't call it beautiful.... :icon_redf

Thank you for reading it!

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2013 at 08:18 PM ----------

I'm sorry to hear about the situation you are in with your father. It must be incredibly hard to have a father that thinks being gay means you should be shot/be in prison. I can relate to you on the topic of having a father think that being gay is wrong, but otherwise I don't even feel like my own troubles with my dad are significant when compared. All I can say is stay strong, and I hope that in the future things can get better for you when it comes to your relationship with your father (*hug*)

Thank you for reading my letter and taking the time to comment; I'm hoping too that my dad can accept me and that everything goes well when I come out to him.

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2013 at 08:28 PM ----------

I felt that in this letter to my father I should also consider the questions he may have and what he may be thinking, and the reason behind my atheism was one of the questions I knew would eventually come up. Almost two years ago I told him I was an atheist and he still hasn't accepted it. I really don't want to have him looking down upon me or blame my atheism on my homosexuality, so I felt that it was best to address it as soon as possible.

On an emotional level I'm not very connected to my father. This letter is probably one of the first times I'll be speaking to him about my feelings and thoughts. There are many things that I wish to tell him, but I only put in a few of the more important ones (like how I feel about writing, etc.). Otherwise I try not to stray away from the main point of the letter, which is coming out to him and the other questions about it he may have.

 

I've always told myself that the anxiousness beforehand is worse, but at times I'll admit that it seems more desirable over actually doing the thing itself. I'm planning to come out to him soon and hand him the letter that I've written, only I'm waiting for the right time. It felt better coming out to my mother when she was in a good mood, so I'm waiting around for my dad to be in a better mindset before I tell him. Unfortunately, it gets harder and harder to find him during a time where he isn't tired, cranky, or angry about something :bang:

Thank you for your words of wisdom, though; I know deep down that they're true.

---------- Post added 16th Jun 2013 at 08:37 PM ----------

Thank you for reading and taking the time to comment!

I hope he responds with support, understanding, and affirmation, too