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Coming Out: I could use a little help!

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Kyle Hemsworth, Jun 16, 2013.

  1. Kyle Hemsworth

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    Hi all! :icon_bigg I'd like to thank you in advance for reading what may turn out to be a long spiel. I'm new here, so I may not be able to help getting it all off my chest, and it's definitely been years in the making. I'll try to keep it as concise as possible, and I hope some of you guys with experience in these matters can help!

    I'm a guy, having recently turned 16, living in Manhattan, NYC. Realizing I'm gay has been a long and difficult process for me. I've just recently come to the conclusion after years of questioning, denial, etc. The usual, I guess. It's come to the point where really, I just want to stop worrying about it, and I figured that coming out is a step towards normality. I live in a comparatively accepting area, I guess, and in my school homophobia is out of fashion, so to speak. I've never witnessed an incident of bullying of ANY sort. So:

    Last night, after spending the day on here, watching coming-out youtube videos and such, I found the courage to come out in an email (which had another main purpose) to a friend of mine I've known a few months. He'd been questioning himself a little, so I felt comfortable. He replied seeming totally normal, and asked a few polite questions. The thing is, really don't feel that sense of "relief" I thought I'd get. Mostly, if anything, I'm paranoid that he doesn't see me the same. This is really one of the core issues: I'm afraid people will begin to see me FIRSTLY in terms of my sexuality, and SECONDLY in terms of my personality and accomplishments. I fear this because, to be honest, that's what happens when *I* realize someone's gay. I don't feel negatively, but that aspect of them becomes the "thing" I remember initially, before all else. I don't think I could live happily with myself knowing and fearing people's true feelings about me, or the image I recall in their minds.

    Now, coming out to him was meant to sort of "warm me up" to come out to my parents, who I'm INCREDIBLY comfortable and close with. Here's their deal: both are non-religious. Both, I believe, are pro gay-rights in general, though not in an loud, outspoken way. My father is a little easier to predict. He's the most logical, even-tempered guy in the world, went to Princeton, etc. I remember him once telling my brother and I, as if to get the record straight, that it was okay if either of us were gay, and that most important is not to live a lie as adults. Since then, he has prodded me gently, asking about girlfriends. However, on at least once occasion, threw in "or boyfriend" to be politically correct. He is by no means an "activist", however, and I think he's kind of sick of all of the media attention given to LGBT issues, since he himself works in the media. If there's one thing he despises, it's preachy writing lol.

    My mother is a little harder to predict. She's the most loving, caring mom a guy could ask for. She calls us by "sweetie" and "honey" still, which is awesome, and as with my father we have a great relationship (talking every day about school, extra-curriculars, etc). However she has never brought up the topic of LGBT as it relates to me and my brother like my dad has. She’s not against LGBT or anything. She’s had gay coworkers whom she loves (and I remember her disappointment with Americans when Adam Lambert wasn’t voted the American idol, probably due to his flamboyance.) She definitely holds some stereotypical views, however. She's said things like "he looks kinda gay", "he was a flamer", and such. She doesn't use gay to mean "stupid", always "homosexual", but still. She's the kind that might give a little grossed out face when gay sex or that sort of thing comes up, and one memory I have is, when someone jokingly said my dog might be gay (LOL), she said "Oh no, (dog's name) is *all* boy. He likes girllllllls", as if the opposite would be a bad thing.

    Anyway, the moment has come and one a few times, and I realize how scared I am and how I never truthfully got too close. I also don't know the best method, or time, to come out, how to know how/if I should give myself some kind of extra push, and whether or not it would really make me feel better, at all.

    Thanks!
     
    #1 Kyle Hemsworth, Jun 16, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 16, 2013
  2. KnownSecret

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    As for coming out to your friend I really think you should talk to him in person. If you have already came out in an email he already knows so might as well talk to him in person and see how he really reacts. I think that's why you feel so uneasy about coming out to him. When I came out to my sister I really didn't feel like texting her was enough, I wanted to have a physical conversation, so that I could see her expressions and such. As for your parents that's a different story. Timing is truly the most important part, and truthfully the timing is all up to you. If one day you feel like you were about to tell her but you were just not there yet, well then it must not be time. If you go with the flow you can find easy methods of coming out! Especially if sexuality ever get's brought up. For you coming out to your parents I would probably start out with your dad first since you seem to know how he will react the best. After that just test the waters with your mom make sure like 100% you know she is pro gay. Just talk about gay marriage or say something (about gay people) that would make her have to reply with her opinion. Coming out doesn't need to be a super fast process, take it as quick or slow as you want! Your only 16 you have a lot of time to come out! :wink: Just keep your head held high and good luck on your journey! If you ever need anyone to talk to just hit me up. :slight_smile: I am always willing to try and help to the best of my capabilities!

    Again, good luck! (Oh yeah and congrats on coming out to your friend)!!!!!

    ~Zack~
     
  3. Kyle Hemsworth

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    KnownSecret: Thank you for your advice! I appreciate it, really. I think I'll definitely want to come out to my parents in person, or at the very least, a carefully handwritten note. The email thing was more exclusive for this friend, and mostly was something I threw in after writing an email about something else entirely. I'm going to see him soon anyway, and I don't think it'll be a huge issue since we've moved on to talking about other things. I guess opening up, at that level, to ANYONE still makes me a little embarrassed and uncomfortable. I don't think I would ever consider that for anyone I know more personally. And thank you for your invitation to talk...I might take you up on that at some point, if it's alright! :lol:
     
  4. FflewddurFflam

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    Congratulations on finding the courage to come out to that first person! That seems to always be the hardest part.
    Personally, I think it would be better to talk to your friend more, and continue to build up your confidence until you feel confident enough to come out to your mother. You could do this in any number of ways, i.e. face-to-face, email, letter, even a text message! It all depends on how you feel most comfortable.
    From what I've read on here and seen on YouTube, many people have experienced 'traditional' views on being gay from various people around them, but once they're out, they tend to drop 'traditional' views, once they realise that it might affect someone close to them. And, you could always talk to mother, and get her to understand that you might not like the way she says certain things. It's all a matter of communication and understanding. And most people on this planet understand that.
    Good luck, and just reveal all when you feel confident, and supported by whomever you're out to.

    P.S. If you're that terrified of telling your mother to her face, write her a letter, explaining your feelings as best as you can, and leave it for her, somewhere you'll know she'll find it (and then you could always go over a friend's house until she's read it, and then let her initiate the conversation).
    I hope I haven't rambled and that you can find any part of this of use.
     
  5. KnownSecret

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    It is indeed alright! I would never not talk to someone if they wanted to talk :wink:

    And yeah I was going to write a letter or something to my mom, but it seemed so impersonal. So I am just waiting for the time, which I think is soon. I feel more confident lately so I know It must be a good time. :wink: And throwing it in randomly :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: a lot of my coming outs were spur of the moment kind of deals as well! Email/text isn't that bad of coming out its just you can't really see how they feel. I think your friend will talk to you maybe just try and bring up sexuality somehow. Well if you ever want to chat just come post on my wall. :slight_smile:

    And again you really should talk to your friend, its always nice to try and get people to support you. People that will help you through any difficulty you may face. Who knows maybe your friend is a good candidate for a good support system! Good luck!

    ~Zack~
     
  6. lionel

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    If you can truly say youve accepted that your gay, if your truly at peace with accepting your self, then know that coming out will make you the gossip of the month for 30 days, people have short attention spans, what they think or say will be brief then they'll move on to kim and kanyes baby and something else after that. It's 2013 in NYC. Find your peace and go for it. Too much thinking . Keep well
     
  7. arturoenrico

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    I think after a short time, everyone will treat you like yourself; being a gay teen in Manhattan is not really a big deal. I know a kid a little older than you in the suburbs and everyone in his school knows; it's a nonissue. It is alway scary to come out, at any age, even if you know you will be accepted. It's very intense, emotional, and can be overwhelming. It sounds like your parents will be there for you. As a parent myself, I just want to say most parents want their kids to be happy and be themselves. Nevertheless, they worry about obstacles their kids may face with any situation that might make the life path more rocky. Anticipating telling them is also harder than just doing it. That's why I couldn't wait any longer to tell my kids because it was on my mind 24/7. Good luck.