Ok, so I'm new here and I'm not too sure if I'm in the right place, so sorry if I'm not. I'm currently in a long term relationship with my boyfriend....a relationship that is not fair on either of us. I so desperately want to come out. I want to be able to be myself...I think I've been in denial for a very long time and I don't want to sit here hating myself for what I'm putting not only me, but him through too. Six months ago I kissed another woman, it opened my eyes and brought life back into me....but I know that If i were to come out, my family would be severely disappointed, I know most would disown me. I know my friends would choose my boyfriends side because I broke his heart....but I don't want to lie to him anymore..I don't want to pretend I'm ok. I hate this. I watched a programme yesterday about a girl who was closeted and I felt exactly how she did...I cried half way through because I couldn't, I can't see a way out for me. I'm so scared that I'm gonna be stuck here forever, pretending this is what I want. I don't want to hurt him, I really don't....but I don't think I can stay like this anymore. I'm just so scared. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation or have any advice please? Sorry to ramble, I'm honestly usually more collected and fun than this, my head is just a mess atm. Gemma
Hi Echo28, Does it matter if the people disown you? Are they worth keeping in your close relationships network anyway?! You're definately not the first person to be in this situation, and don't be worried about being totally honest. I would encourage this though, be completely honest and NOT make up some excuse to end the relationship. You WON'T be in this situation forever, you may in fact remain amazing friends for life.
Hey Corradino. I understand what you're saying about those people not being worth it, but I can't turn the fear off....I have this horrible picture in my head where I'm sat in some crappy flat with no friends, no family and no support. I'm worried what will happen at work, I'm worried I'm gonna loose my boyfriend forever, that he won't ever want to see me again...I'm just petrified. If I ever do get the courage to come out (which I hope I do because this is getting too hard) I will tell him the truth, he deserves that much.....I'm just so, so scared. Thanks for the advice , very much appreciated.
It won't happen...don't worry, especially at work. Losing your, do you want to call him your "boyfriend" forever is a risk...but one that you must take for your own sanity. Being scared is natural, it shows things will be important to you, he will understand.
Thanks again....I honestly don't know what to call him. I've been thinking of breaking up with him for about 6 months now...I've had the conversation in my head, I've wrote him letters...I've even silently mouthed the words 'I'm gay' over the phone. Stupid I know. But I just can't take that step, I'm frozen in this place now...ugh. Sorry for sounding so stupid, I'm just stuck and thinking aloud.
Nope, you don't sound stupid...you only think you do. I feel it's something that you can say to him face to face...I think it will actually help you both.
I've not been in this situation. Well, not exactly. I've been the girl was seeing the girl that was in your situation (without knowing about her boyfriend) and that was just as messed up. But, what I would say, is that very few people skip out of the closet willingly with no worries or cares about it. For the lucky few that do, a giant pat on the back. But most of us stumble out of it in a chaotic manner with no idea what is happening in absolute terror. It's natural to have those worries. I definitely worried how people would take it. Your situation is slightly more complicated than most because of your boyfriend. But what I think it boils down to (or at least should boil down to) is that is living a lie to keep people close to you worth it? If you keep things how they are, are you going to look back in 20/30 years and be full of regret? Because if you think you would, then something surely must change. We only get one chance at life, no re-sets, no do-overs. And it is far too bloody short. I think you need to start being true to yourself. But, if it's any consolation, you've already completed step one by admitting it to yourself and not being in denial. So you should be super proud of yourself for that. There is a chance that people will react badly if you decide to "come out" at first, because of the initial shock. But I think that in time they would probably come to accept it. Also, are these fears about them disowning you based on anything they've said/done, or are they worries in your own head? You probably would lose touch with your boyfriend for a while, because if he's going to be hurt, he's going to need time to heal. But I would imagine he cares a great deal for you and would be there for you to support you eventually. Now you've admitted the truth to yourself, you owe him the truth more than anyone else. You're scared, petrified. That is clear, and completely understandable. But if you want life to get better, you have to be brave and tell the truth. It might get back for a while, but I think eventually, once everyone knows and you've accepted it in yourself, you would feel a lot happier. It's a long complicated journey, and I know how lonely it can feel. If you ever need a friend, feel free to message me. But I think you should go for it, like ripping a plaster off. x x x
Hey. I know most of my friends would turn their backs on me, not because I'm gay, but because I will have hurt L. I'm not from my current town, I moved in with him about 9 years ago and the friends I have we made together...they will choose him and class me as a bitch. As for my family, were quite small only two brothers, mum and dad and a couple of aunties and uncles. I know my older brother will take it badly....my younger brother too. The only person I can see not wanting to disown me is possibly my dad...but I'm not sure. I tried to test the waters a while back and made a comment about me being gay. My mum turned around and told me we'll have non of that in our family... L has began to notice a change in my behaviour, but he thinks it's down to a death in the family that hit me pretty hard...not because I'm finally beginning to crack under all of this weight. I wanna say a huge thank you for listening to me ramble and adding your advice. This is honestly the most open I've been about feelings and my issues, I was really worried people would think I was an awful person. But thanks again, and I'm sorry you went through such a messed up situation with somebody in the same boat as me. Xx
If your "friends" will turn their backs on you because of this situation...then they clearly aren't your friends. Your mum can't control you, and she will have to accept you. We're in the 21st century.
