I have no future.

This really doesn't have to be the end of the world. Coming out is a process. I still play the "why me card" all the time. Everything about me is straight, except for the fact that i happen to be attracted to guys. But then i started thinking, the only reason I feel this way is because i don't want to be seen as a stereotypical gay person. I hate to say it like that so sorry if I offend anyone.

I'm realizing in this coming out process that being gay only defines one thing about you. Nothing else about your life has anything to do with you being gay. Hiding is only going to hurt you even more. As time goes on without you being in a relationship friends and family will start to suspect. You cannot hide who you are without expecting some sort of repercussions, such as anger or depression.

You may be gay or at least bisexual and the only real cure is acceptance. It can be hard putting a smile on your face and pretending that certain people don't consider you a freak. But the truth is those people are becoming fewer and fewer in society.

This really is okay. You're not all alone on an island. There is a great community here and many more of us in your everyday life than you may realize.

 

Hey Let It Out, welcome to Empty Closets. (*hug*)

It's perfectly normal feeling the way that you do. What I would tell you right now, as I've told many others in the past, is to not worry about labels right now. Labels are for cans of soup and t-shirts. Instead, you need to focus on sorting all this out.

I have some concern that you've hooked up with so many guys in such a short span of time. Are you practicing safe sex? What do you think you're seeking from these sexual encounters?

Since you're already in therapy, have you spoken to your therapist about any of this?

Having walked in your shoes once before, I know that things seem scary right now. But ultimately things sort themselves out with time. What is important right now is that you don't struggle to label yourself, but instead focus on what you're feeling and how to best deal with those feelings in both a healthy and truthful way.

 

It sounds like you're not afraid of being gay; you're afraid of the auxiliary fallout that comes with the territory.

That doesn't mean you can't stay in the closet, but in the end, you can't deny who you are. It'll only eat you up from the inside. :/

 

I didn't think I even needed a label early enough in my life, but I just thought I was a weird pervert until I knew the real nature of bisexuality. I suddenly didn't feel alone anymore in how I felt, and it was very comforting.

But as far as being hurt from inside or out, I guess that's a personal choice. But with enough inner strength, outside comments bounce right off.

 

Let It Out -

Coming out is a personal choice. No one shows up at your door and demands that you march in the gay pride parade. You don't even need a label.

You didn't "bring this on yourself" - there are some things beyond your control, and your sexuality is one of them. Nothing you did, was done to you, or happened in your life made you the way that you are. It's like your eye and skin color. You didn't choose those and neither did anyone else. They were chosen for you, and you ultimately have to deal with them for good and for ill.

What you are feeling and going through is normal. From the time our parents knew they were going to have a baby, we've been raised and conditioned to believe that we were straight. A clear path and social expectations were placed on us. This forges into a straight identity, and you've carried that straight identity for twenty years.

Now, you're realizing that you may not be straight. Everything that you envisioned for your future, everything you pictured, even your place in the world - your very identity - is being brought into question. It feels like everything is crumbling. It's almost like being suffocated under a pile of clusterfuck with a heaping amount of suck.

This comes from a sense of loss, the loss of our imagined future and our straight identity. In many ways it's like losing part of who you are, but the good news is that all of this is temporary and usually works itself out in time.

What is important right now is that you don't try and label yourself. You're twenty years old, and you have a long time to figure things out. There are no timers or clocks counting things down. There is no pressure aside from the pressure you create for yourself.

My biggest concern for you at the moment, is that you've engaged in sex with multiple individuals. Now, there is nothing wrong with that, but I am concerned over whether or not you were safe. If you don't really know much about safe sex that's something we can discuss, as that's something that is very important especially if you continue to engage in sex with other people (whether they are male or female).

In the end, you're not alone. You've come to a place that will be very supportive and welcoming to you. I believe that many people here - myself included - can understand and identify with your story. We've all been through and felt - to varying degrees - what you're going through right now. You're not alone.

(*hug*)

 

don't know what to say man but we're all here for you.

I personally went through a stage of hating myself and feeling like there was no happiness for me with anyone and I was going to be alone forever. Well I'm still alone but no longer hate who I am.

I wish you luck

 

Let it Out, I know and remember that feeling that you describe, that moment just after you've been with a guy when you feel such self-loathing, such disgust with yourself...you can't understand how you ended up in that place...

I couldn't understand it either, it's what's kept me in the closet for decades, and only now, in my fifties, have I been able to understand that this is who I am and that I have to deal with it.

Don't wait so long, come to terms with it; this is why this place exists, to help you on that necessary, painful but ultimately liberating path to becoming who you are.

 

I don't wanna confuse you even more, but considering you've been diagnosed with BDD, you may as well be an OCD sufferer. Have you ever heard about HOCD? I'm not suggesting anything here, just talk about it with your doctor. If you are gay indeed you will eventually come to terms with it, believe me, no matter how long it takes, a few years ago I would have never thought I would ever accept myself as gay, not in a thousand years! Give it time.

 

This is very good advice :eusa_clap

 

Hey,

I just wanted to say that it's ok, if you don't want to label yourself. It takes time. I've been fighting with myself for years, and I still am. The important thing isn't labeling yourself anyway - it's that you don't beat yourself up too much over these new feelings and attractions, because they're not something you can control. You don't walk into a store, and browse through assorted sexualities like they're used games, and go "oh yes, this looks good, I think I'll try this out today." You can beat yourself up over your feelings and try to suppress them but you can't make them go away, and that's ok, because you're ok.

For now just take things one day at a time. Look for the relationships that benefit you and make you happy, however short they might be.

 

Let It Out -

Don't be so hard on yourself. It's natural to feel the way that you do. You've spent your entire life up until this point envisioning yourself as straight, and now you're coming to the realization that this may not be the case. You need to be compassionate with yourself.

Don't try to think too much about the future with a guy, yet. It's too soon. Instead, give yourself permission to feel what you feel. If you find another man attractive, allow yourself to feel it. Don't judge or beat yourself up over it. If you find yourself watching gay porn, then that's okay - there is nothing wrong with that.

If you just allow yourself to feel - without forcing yourself one way or another - and do not place judgement or criticism on what you're feeling; then this is going to sort itself out in time. I know that probably isn't what you want to hear, when you're in a situation like this you want everything solved and sorted right now. However, it doesn't work that way.

You're working through a process. I promise you that if you avoid labeling yourself, and allow yourself to feel what you feel, then things will begin to evolve naturally. You've spent your entire life seeing yourself as completely straight; it's going to take time to begin picturing yourself differently. And that's okay.

You're going to be fine. I know it doesn't feel that way right now - it feels as if your world is crumbling around you, but you will be fine. I promise. You're not alone. Many people have walked down the path you're now walking. You just have to be compassionate with yourself, and give yourself some time.

 

Man I feel like you were talking from inside my mind. I understand completely understand how you feel, and I know when people say that its like whatever, but I am where you are. I have know something was different all my life, but I chose to be everything but that because I couldnt stand the thought of being judged or thought of as different when all i wanted to be, ever, was normal. I was in a four year relationship with this girl about three years ago it was great and we even talked about marriage. when we broke up its like all the years of supression came at me full force and it was on, so to speak. I have never been in a relationship with a guy, and it scares me to death, I havnt been in any relationship since her. Coming to some kind of understanding with my sexuality is a big deal for me, because I cant live like this anymore, but the thought of being gay is almost as bad for me. So seeing the truth in my life and knowing that if I am going to live, and be somewhat happy then I have to see this stuff, and know that i havent been able to change it in 28yrs and I probably cant. It is a daily struggle, just to live, but not being alone has been so important to me I am not strong enough to carry this alone. I have a couple of people in my life i have honestly talked to about this, and they havnt run away or judged me they are what helps me to have hope and reasurance that life is life, and i may not be able to handle all this alone, but now I dont have to, because of them and here at ec there are people who understand, and i mean really understand. And if thats all we have right now then let that be some peace, knowing that I dont have to walk alone anymore.

 

Ah yes, I still remember the days when I used to hate myself so much after I realized that I am gay. I was exactly like you and I understand you completely. Every night I thought to myself "Why me? Why this disease? How can I be in such an unfortunate position?" Then I started to get worried about my future, "What about my career? What if my family finds out? Will my friends hate me?" Then, "I will never be in a relationship." I started searching things like "How to be in the closet forever?" on Google. It wasn't even a matter of "Can I be in the closet forever?" I was sure that I would never come out of the closet, and that I will hide this 'degrading disease' of mine till the day I die. Getting a boyfriend was also never an option and I planned to live my whole life without a partner. So like you, I thought to myself "I will NEVER identify as a gay person."
But as years pass, I gradually became 'more accepting' of myself. It was a very slow process and it takes years. Then one day (and it changed my life forever), I stumbled across these 'coming out' videos on Youtube. I started watching them, one by one. I don't know about other LGBTQ people, but those videos changed my whole perspective. I went from not accepting myself, to "hey, I'm gay and I'm me and I'm f**king awesome. There's nothing to be ashamed of." These videos made me realize that being gay is not a disease. But instead, it's something that is a part of me that makes me unique and makes me who I am. I recommend you go watch these 'coming out' videos, it might not change your mind but it certainly changed mine. Like I said, The idea of getting a boyfriend was never in my head before (i forbidden myself to engage in such a 'degrading action'), but now the idea of having a guy who loves me and cuddles with me in bed every night fill me with warmth and joy.
Like everybody says, 'it gets better.' I promise you, it will.

 

Don't be so hard on yourself, Let It Out (*hug*)! I used to say "why did I have to be gay?" But then realise that it's not a bad thing at all. Being a murderer, child abuser, pedophile, drug user, etc....THOSE are bad things. Remember this from a church nursery rhyme (which I use everyday)

Jesus loves me this I know...for the Bible tells me so...

(doesn't specify on whom he loves, does he?)

It gets a lot better, and it'll feel like a pile of bricks off of your shoulders. Before you can love others, you have to love yourself first