I've been dealing with my homosexuality going on 10 years almost. I've "come out" to my parents twice, each time they label me as "confused" I've decided its just easier to pretend im straight, or just dont date at all. I still live at home. Anyways, its been going ok for the last 2 years until 2 weeks ago, my grandpa passed away and well, im not taking it too well. I decided to start drinking again, which is not good, anways, yesterday, i was drunk, i was at school(collge), i bumped into a teacher that i had a previous semester, im pretty sure shes a lesbian, anways, for some odd reason, i had to to talk to her. So i go in there and open up about my grandfather passing away, and how i needed someone to talk to. Then out of nowhere, i tell her about me being gay, and now, sober today, a little bit hungover, im so worried and well afriad. i called her today to apoligize, but she doenst answer her office phone, ive been calling every hour and dont want to be labeled a sstalker. I really dont know why my mind is making me want to call her so much, oh and i cant go to the school counselor, becuase they dont want to see me anymore, becuase they said they did all they can do for me.:help:
First of all, pretending to be straight and/or not dating at all because your parents think you are confused about your sexuality is not the best thing you could do. If you KNOW that you are gay, don't let your parents influence you that much! Meet peple and date if you want to or have the chance! Second, going to college and talking to a teacher while being drunk was a big mistake I think. What's done is done, but you really need to apologise. I don't think she's not answering her phone because she doesn't want to talk to you, she's probably busy or not there. But if she's a lesbian that might help a bit, she might be more understanding. :icon_bigg Alcohol doesn't really solve anything, it just makes things way worse. Please try to stop, or if you can't stop, ask for help from friends/family/counselor/doctor/... :icon_wink And I'm sorry about your grandpa, it's hard losing loved ones! :icon_sad: (*hug*) But I don't know much about it, I'm sure someone else can give better advice
Thanks for the kind words. I actually had apoligized many times when i was talking to her yesterday and and she said it wasnt a big deal. I even asked her if she noticed that I was drunk, and she said she really couldn't tell. I don't know why im freaking out, maybe cuz, i didnt want anyone else that already knew about me being gay, and now theres another person that knows.
I meant that being drunk and going there was a big mistake, not coming out to her. People don't really appreciate if you go to college/work drunk. But if you weren't THAT drunk and she didn't really notice then it's not that bad. She probably saw that you were upset so she thought the best thing she could do is just listen to you. That's good, try talking to her again when you reach her and be calm.
I guess your right. Thanks for listneing. I really didnt wnat to talk to my parents about this problem, especially cuz they are still grieving over my grandfather.
Welcome to EC! I think that first of all, you have been dealing with a lot: and I think that your tutor must realise this, from what you were saying. And you said that she said at the time that it wasn't a problem. I think that the majority of people make allowances when they know that someone is under extraordinary pressure, so I shouldn't worry too much on that count. And I wouldn't worry about being seen as a stalker - the fact that half of it was that you were coming out as gay should leave her assured on that count!! She may be a little uncomfortable though; I don't know. But there are many reasons why she may not have answered her phone, and I would desist calling her for the time being, and when you see her again, just take her aside, and just gently apologise, but don't make too much of a deal of it. I think that she *ought* to take it professionally. I know that you didn't talk to her in an official capacity, in that she's not a counsellor or anything, but I do think that she will keep the information confidential (you are after all, an adult, and there is no reason for her to disclose), and it would be unprofessional for it to affect her judgement of you in any way. Obviously, turning up drunk was not the best idea in the world, but I think that given the *exceptional* circumstances - and given your bereavement, I think no one could deny that - she ought to understand, and anyone else should to. So basically: I would stop calling her, but wait until you see her or bump into her. The reason she is not answering could be anything: she could not be in, she could be in with a student, be in a meeting... it is highly unlikely to be to do with you, and I would wait it out a little. And try not to freak too much about it! It'll all be fine! But I am also sorry about your grandfather, and hope that you are managing ok. Concerning your parents, I think that you are going to have to just *keep* coming out to them until they accept. Have you brought home a boyfriend yet? Or mentioned one? Maybe it won't become real until then. But remember that not only is not dating or not mentioning your sexuality because of your parents completely unfair on you, and will in the long-run make you miserable, not dating and not discussing your sexuality will ONLY MAKE YOUR PARENTS' DENIAL EASIER. Sorry about the capitals - it's not about anger, but emphasis. Your parents are clearly in some sort of denial, and the more you try and "keep it out of their faces" (couldn't think of a better expression, sorry), the easier it is for them to deny it. But I shouldn't fret about your tutor too much, just wait until you see her and apologise. But I hope that you're now starting to deal a bit better with your grandfather's death, and I would really recommend *not* denying yourself a relationship just because of your parents' denial.
Ok. So I'm still getting trough the day. I kinda feel bad, cuz I must have called this lady like 10 times throught out the day and no luck, it was probably her day off. I made sure I blocked my number, but I still feel nervous. I dont know if should confront her or just pretend like i never told her, i mean shes not my proffersor this semester, so its not like i have to actually see her. Anways, I just want to feel better, i feel really anxious and nervous, i feel like throwing up.
Hey, don't obsess about it; it would probably do you better to keep a straight mind. I full heartedly agree that it is your life and only you can live it.
Ok. I decided to not dwell on this. Question, how do i deal with being gay, if i really dont want to be..
Ok I know this sounding like a damn soap opera. All last night I couldn't sleep, and thats after taking two doses of sleeping pills. (Don't worry I called poison control before doing that). All last night I could dream about was "coming out" to all my family. I know your going to say thats all fine and dandy, but you know what, if this were another time, id be ok to talk to mother about this kinda things and start to feel better, but, shes still grieving over losing my grandfather(her father) and well, i know now isnt the really best time to bring her my "crap" I don't know what to do, I called my aunt(one that kinda knows im out), but it seems like im annoying the hell out of her, either that or she feels helpless, she stresses that I shouldn't tell my mom anything. I don't know, I don't feel sucidiceal right now, but i I did kinda last night. Im really lost, and im scared, and well im frustrated so much.
It will get better. It IS getting better, but sometimes it's hard to tell. Just the fact that these issues are constantly on your mind implies their importance; it's not crap. It's you trying to understand yourself.... and one's sexuality is a big part of one's self. Don't dwell on other's view of homosexuality- people tend to view things as black and white, but you have to see the world for yourself and make your own inferences. It's just experience. I think I speak for all of us here at EC in saying that we are cheering you on. You are dealing with quite a flood of emotions; by fighting your way through it you are a living testimony to the inner strength humans use to pursue happiness. And you deserve to be happy.(*hug*)
Ok another update. After talking to a member here, I wont say her name unless she says it. I decided to go to talk to my mom about how I was feeling. Well. She took it rather well, BUT....she still thinks me being gay is more about being confused, but she said its not something that I dont need to decide right now to take my time and greive, and actually finish school, im about a year and half from finishing, but that If I am or were or whatever I am she will love me for it. As far as being gay, If I am I am, and if im confused maybe I am. I know when I do get depressed alot, my insurcurities about liking men come to bother me alot. So I kinda let it slide, saying that, well I am depressed, but I guess I made some breakthrough, its kinda like I opened the closet and peeked, but maybe I laid the foundation, if I do indeed choose to be or stay gay. As far as I know Im bisexual and well, I dont know at this piont whether I want to follow the gay lifestyle or try to be straight. Sorry for taking everyone here for a Soap Opera it seems.
