Hey everyone, Sorry if this ends up being a very long post. Thanks to anyone who reads it and can give me some advice. So I'm 22 and have been dating my current girlfriend for 3 years. She is an awesome person whom I care for very much, but I've recently come to accept that I'm gay. I guess I've really known for a long time, but have just been trying to hold back my feelings for guys so as to be "a typical guy". I decided about four days ago that I have to come out to her and let her know exactly what is going on. I know myself well enough to know that I could never get the words out to her in person, so I ended up typing up this note to let her know about everything. I had waited anxiously all day for her to come home (we each have our own houses, but we stay together most days) with the note on my computer and when she did, I ended up closing the note and acting like everything was fine. I just couldn't get myself to do it. So the next day I again wanted to tell her. I had been trying to make myself all day but I now have a new issue. Instead of being anxious, I had absolutely no emotions tied to telling her. It was like as much as I knew it was going to be devastating news and change both of our lives, I really didn't care at all. I ended up not telling her again because I knew if I did, I would come across very rude with no emotions tied to my coming out. As I'm currently sitting here and thinking about trying again, I still have no emotions about telling her. It seems like I don't care even though I know I should. Has this ever happened to anyone else? Any advice? Reasons this may be happening? And any advice on getting myself to make the move and finally just be honest with her would be great! Thanks
To me it seems like you may have finally accepted the fact that you are gay, and you need to tell her, and you know it will be better after, so you are no longer anxious because you already know its better that way. My suggestion would be to print it up, and give it to her. Make sure you add that you thought it better to write it out. If you think you can manage being in the room when she reads it, that would be best. Even if you aren't feeling much about it, it's still important to tell her now that you know you're ready. Once she's read it, you can deal with the after math. You could even tell her about this lack of feeling you are having right now.
I agree with the person above me. It's great that you've accepted you for you. Writing is better than saying. You have time to think about what you're going to say and no messing up! I'm sure if you truly do care about her, then it will turn out for the best. Best of luck to you, man.
Mdp - Welcome to Empty Closets! (*hug*) What you're feeling is normal, and I've felt the same in the past. I'd describe the feeling, not so much as being "empty", but as "a grim inevitability" that makes me somewhat indifferent. It's a point where you've sorta accepted whatever outcome will take place. It feels as if you're somewhat detached from the situation emotionally, right? This is something I've experienced, and usually after you've come out and whatever has happened has happened... there is a sense of relief, of closure. "Yes, I knew this would be bad, and they would attack me. It all happened as I expected it would." You are, of course, making the right decision. There are many people on these forums who are currently going through or have gone through exactly what you're going through right now. I hope you keep us updated and stick around.
I think that you should definitely give her the note and preface it with some statement about wanting to say everything right and get it all out so you decided to write it down for her. And as above, staying in the room and being ready for a discussion afterwards would probably be optimal too. I dated a guy for just short of 4 years and as I came to accept myself as a lesbian I became very withdrawn and shut him out. Naturally, after so long, he was confused and hated me for it since I didn't offer any explanation since I was not ready to come out but I knew I couldn't stay in the relationship with him anymore. Things got VERY bad between us (and we were living together locked into a lease for another 8 months!!) but a few months later I finally came out to him and he immediately understood and now he is seriously my very best friend. Being able to talk it out with her and being open can make things much easier on the both of you. And definitely tell her and get out of the relationship (I'm assuming that is what you want at this point) so that you can both pursue your own happiness. Hope that helps, and good luck!!
I actually broke up with my girlfriend of 5 years only yesterday. I'm unsure what I am really but I was completely honest with her 2 years ago and we stayed together. We were closer than we ever had been. But looking back now I should have ended it with her then. I need to experiment and even though she said she didn't have a problem with it. I couldn't do that while we were still together. I might differ from you in that I would consider myself more bisexual than gay. But I was eger to tell her and start moving on with my life and also letting her do the same. But I was pretrified of telling her when confronted with the door of my flat. Afterwards I was devestated and I miss her so much. But I take comfort in the fact that it was the best thing for the both of us. I am just saying that I wouldn't worry about feeling emotionless, just speak or write from the heart. You'll convey more emotion than you think.
Update: Thanks everyone for your replies. So I had printed out the letter to give to her, but I couldn't get myself to do it. I was acting very strange and she could tell, so the next day when I was at work, she ended up looking through my stuff and finding the letter. She called me at work, balling, and asked me to come home. I of course did and we talked for upwards of 8 hours straight. At first she was just extremely angry. She told me she believes its a choice and that I'm choosing to be gay over being with her. I explained to her everything I was feeling and how I wouldn't choose to do this to her or myself. I think she still believes its a choice though. After a panic attack on my end (entire body was shaking, I couldn't breathe, and couldn't move...) and many tears, questions, talking. We finally got to a point where she asked me what to do from here. I didn't really know how to take this question because to me I only saw the option of us breaking up, but was hopeful we'd still be friends at some point. She essentially told me she loved me enough to be with me and give up sex as a part of her life. We are still talking about this option and I think in a way were both just trying to live in this fantasy and find a way to make it work. I'm so nervous because I'm not sure it can work, I'm afraid because if we don't do this she doesn't want me to be a part of her life, I'm afraid because she is more understanding than my family and she wasn't able to understand what I'm going through so I'm deathly afraid to tell my family now. I'm just freaking out about a lot of things right now. I can't really put it all into words. I just need some support and advice if anyone has some because I don't know what to do. I'm nervous of being alone, with no friends and family. I'm afraid that my girlfriend will abandon me in all ways. Anything anyone has to offer, I'd appreciate it
Take some deep breaths and remember that everything will be okay. She seems like she still cares about you, try to remember that. She is upset right now so odds are she won't abandon you completely. It's going to be okay
Mdp - Things are not as bad as they seem. Your girlfriend has just received shocking news, and now probably wouldn't be a good time to make any long range plans with her as of yet. You both are dealing with a lot. Do you have anyone in your life that you trust and can talk to? A friend? Any gay friends? Coming out to someone else you can trust, who you know will be supportive of you would be very helpful right now. Your girlfriend is likely to feel a range of emotions in the coming days and weeks. The best thing in moving forward with her is to talk about you wanting her to be happy. When she talks about being in a sexless marriage for example, would that really make her happy? Of course not. Doesn't she deserve someone who can love her back the way she deserves? Of course, and so do you. As you both discuss things together keep framing things in such a way that shows your concern is for her. Now probably wouldn't be the time to lean on her for emotional support in dealing with your struggles, because I don't think she would be very helpful at this time due to her emotional state. This may change in the coming days and weeks. She needs time to process all of this - her world was just turned upside down. As for her saying it's a choice, you know the truth and that's what matters. You can try to convince her otherwise, but if she won't be convinced don't allow her opinions and thoughts to hurt you. After all, she didn't choose to be straight anymore than you chose to be gay. You mentioned that she was supposed to be more supportive than your family. What makes you think your family won't be supportive? What about your friends?
Thanks mlpguy and aldrick! I appreciate your quick responses. Im feeling better now than when I posted that. Aldrick, I agree with so much of what you said, and I know that the "sexless marriage" type thing wouldn't work in the long run. I plan on following your advice and approach to how to handle this. About the family thing, I haven't really gotten that far... but I had just read so many stories on these forums before coming out about how people are supportive and understanding and all this great stuff, and then when I came out it was in no way like that. So partially I think I am just scared that no one will get it. My family is catholic, my dad (and mom, but not as bad) both make a lot of homophobic comments regularly, and where I live, I just don't really know anyone who is out. It's a very "catholic" area where being gay isn't generally accepted. My girlfriend(?) and her family are both very open to a lot of things and understanding about things such as gay-rights, mental illness, etc. so I had thought they would be more understanding. My girlfriends parents know as well now and are not happy and think that i'm choosing this as well. So I'm just nervous about what this will mean for my own family.
Mdp - One of the best pieces of advice that took me a long time to learn is that we can't control what other people think or feel. People are responsible for their own feelings and thoughts, and unfortunately - for better and for worse - they are going to form feelings and thoughts about us. They can pick a whole range of things to judge us on either favorably or unfavorably. Being gay is just one more thing to add to an already ridiculously long list. What is important is not what other people think of us, but what we think of ourselves. Although we cannot choose what other people think or feel, we do have a choice in how we feel. When someone judges us harshly we can either choose to accept that judgement, and in effect agree with them. Or we can choose to reject it. If we reject it, then it can't really hurt us. What is most important is that we live as authentically to our true selves as possible, because if people are going to judge us they might as well judge us based on the truth rather than a lie. You can choose to emotionally distance yourself from the opinions of others. It's not easy, but with a bit of practice it is possible. I really think your best option is to find someone close to you that you know you can trust and know will support you when you come out. If you don't have someone like that in your life, your focus should be on finding such a person. (Sorry if this is a bit incoherent, it's very late and I'm very tired. I just wanted to respond to you before I went to bed.) You're not alone. Everything is going to be fine. No matter how bad things look, just remember that it's all temporary, because this is just the start of your first steps toward living a more honest and authentic life... which will in turn lead to you being happier than you could have imagined otherwise. It will make the short-term difficulties you face worth it. (*hug*)
I actually told my mom the other day through a letter, even though these aren't quite the same circumstances, it do go some what well. I actually put the letter in the mail box right before she got home from work. It took out some of the akward part of the face to face thing, but since this is a bigger issue, I don't know if I would quite suggest that in your case though because you guys called each other loved ones for a while. I would say just go for it, no one takes it well. She might have just assumed though, so when you break it to her she might not be entirely surprised. I have only told one person though, so I have extremely little experience and am very young. Whatever happens, keep us posted.
Hey mdp, I just wanted to pipe up. I haven't been online in a while so I never did check back in, Do you feel at all better that she knows now? I am very sorry that her response was not ideal but from my own experiences, this things can only make us better people. Which sounds cheesy but I stand by it . I can see lots of other EC friends have got your back and giving a lot of advice I agree solidly with. Sometimes things get worse before they get better. Understand that you did not choose this, and don't let anyone convince you that you chose to be gay, it's been said already but the only person you can control is yourself and the way you deal with the ways others control themselves. Be strong, EC has got your back no doubt about it xoxoxoox
Hey everyone. Just another update. Thanks again for all of the advice and kind words. Everything is getting better day be day. Me and my former girlfriend are now officially broken up as I got the strength to be even more honest with her. She still is not happy at all... and will occassionally send me very rude texts. But I'm very happy with my decision to be myself. I have now told a friend of mine that I'm gay and plan to tell my siblings this week (if i can get time with them by myself) and then hopefully my parents in the next couple of weeks. I have been like obsessed with "coming out videos" on youtube and made one today that I plan on showing my mom and dad in the near future. It just explains everything to them from how long I've known to why i have felt like i couldn't come out and a lot of things inbetween. So yeah, needless to say, the cliche "it gets better" is actually holding true for me thus far. I'm still nervous for how my family will react (especially since there have been a lot of comments made by them about all of the pride festivals going on) but I'm hopeful that they will learn to love me for who I am. The one friend I told is completely okay with it. So I'm hoping to continue with a run of positive reactions. Again, thank you everyone for all you do! Having a place to vent, get advice, and be around people who understand what you're going through is an incredible gift. In my opinion, everyone who posts on here is being such a positive force in the world and doing so much good for others! Thank you!
This is fantastic news Mdp. You are making amazing progress. I'm so happy things are turning out so well. (*hug*)
