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How do I come out to my college coach?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by suninthesky, Jun 21, 2013.

  1. suninthesky

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    Even if you've never been in my position and never will be I'd still really like your point of view/input.

    So some quick background: I'm a 19 yo transguy going into my second year of college and I run on the women's xc/track team. I recently came out to my immediate family and plan to be out in college. I'd like people to start referring to me with male pronouns (I know it's a process and won't 100% happen right away.) This past year has been incredibly hard for me mentally and I know I need to come out in order to succeed in what I attempt to do.

    I applied to another college to see if I could get my education paid for w/o a XC scholarship, and I can. But without me asking them to, said college e-mailed my coach and asked for a letter of release so the other coach could talk to me. (insert: panic) My coach was confused and called to ask me about it and I said to deny it, but I never said why I applied to another school. So I still haven't told him why, but I told him that I maybe would like to have a chat when school starts again.

    I need to figure out how I'm going to tell him and how to be prepared for any reaction he will have. So far, I'm thinking something along the lines of this:

    - this is hard for me to talk about because it makes me vulnerable
    - that I'm talking to him because I trust him

    - that it might sound unusual but I'd like him to treat me as a guy and use male pronouns
    - it's something I've been struggling with for a long time
    - having it in the open will make me a better runner because I'll be healthier mentally
    - I don't want to make it a big deal on the team
    - but I'd really appreciate if he could support me
    - I don't need him to understand, but just respect what I need to do to succeed in college

    I'll probably even tell him that it's the reason I've been wanting to graduate in 3 years and that if he will support me I'll definitely stay longer.

    I know this is a couple months away, but it is extremely nerve-wracking trying to think about his reaction especially when he's paying for a large part of my education. I have no idea how he'll react. Thanks for the help, guys.
     
  2. EarthBound

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    Hey suninthesky,

    I applaud you for coming out to your family. I think the draft you wrote above sounds like a good way to start off and proceed through the conversation. Does your specific college have any policy regarding gender/sexual orientation? I know the school I attend prohibits discrimination and such based off of an individuals sexual orientation/gender.

    I'm not sure if you have, but I did do a brief search of NCAA policies regarding transgender individuals. I found some literature you might find interesting to read when you have a spare moment. Also, do you happen to have a faculty or staff member of your college whom you know pretty well. Someone who you know will be supportive and accepting of you. If so, I might suggest you tell this person first and perhaps they can help guide you to how the general mood of the school is in regards to this subject. Secondly, I feel as though you might want to consider telling your athletic director. Since this person oversees the athletic department it would might be nice to have this individuals' understanding at least should a problem ever arise.
     
  3. suninthesky

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    Thanks for the advice! I actually go to an NAIA school, not NCAA, so there's not any literature. Even if they were, I wouldn't be an asset to the guys' team like I am the womens' team.

    I like what you said about finding an adult at my school that I trust. I already have and explained the whole situation to her last May. She's been incredibly supportive and gave me the courage to come out to my family. I just can't even express how much she's been there for me.

    Do you think I should come out to my athletic director first or my coach first? My coach will be extremely upset if he knows I've talked to the athletic director first, but I can see why I might want to forewarn the AD so he'll have a heads up if there is a problem. Maybe I could let him know that I'm letting him know just in case and to not let on that I've talked to him. (Sounds complicated though, haha.) My other concern is that, since my school is private and doesn't prohibit gender identity discrimination (it does with sexual orientation) that it might not matter much anyway. Oklahoma has no TG laws and even if it did, my school's not a state college. I will probably just have to live with whatever consequences come up.

    I do plan on talking to the President of the college about incorporating gender identity into the statement.
     
  4. EarthBound

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    I'm go glad to hear you found someone all ready that has been an invaluable ally. Good for you and good for her too!

    I think it is up to you in regards to whom you tell first. If you feel closer to your coach then by all means tell him first. Most people generally know their coach better than the AD anyways. Perhaps if you told your coach you could see if he would be willing to sit in on a meeting between you and your AD? You could tell the AD and then all three of you could talk about things that may come up as you make the transition. I only suggest you tell your AD for the exact reason you mentioned above: if something comes up it would probably be better he knows about it instead of being blindsided.

    Unfortunately, the future is a bit murky as to what may occur when you tell people. However, from what you have said coming out would be very positive thing for your mental and emotional health. I support that conclusion you've made.

    On a side note, does your school have any lgbt resources or an organization?
     
    #4 EarthBound, Jun 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2013
  5. suninthesky

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    I'm not too worried about telling my AD - I've gone to the year's biggest athletic fundraiser with all the rich people buying stuff from auctions dressed as male and he asked me if I was nervous (It must've shown on the outside that I was nervous). He just said to loosen up and told me I looked nice.

    My coach is really unpredictable. He's so focused on us getting better in running that he really doesn't care about anything else. This could be good for me.. or bad. Good if he doesn't care and just says "okay." Or really bad if he thinks that it'll cause disruption/drama on the team. He definitely won't want to sit down with the AD. If he's okay with it he'll try to make the least deal of it possible.

    There's a campus LGBT group, but it's really elusive to find since they don't list the meeting time/place anywhere and don't respond to e-mails. I think you have to know someone who's in it. I do, I honestly I just haven't had the courage to ask anyone. I think though that once I'm out either someone'll suggest it or I'll just ask someone.

    Along these lines, how do you think would be a good way to bring this up with my professors? I'm pretty darn nervous about it because they respect me a lot. They think highly of me and it would hurt a lot if they all of the sudden thought worse of me. I'm worried if it'll effect any recommendations I might get for the future. I'm really glad I have my advisor on my side because she's the head of my major department (and I'll have 2/4 classes with her teaching this semester. But I don't know how to bring it up with the others. My school is so small that word travels so fast. (There's a joke that if two people walk across the campus holding hands the whole campus'll know they're going out before they get to the other side. xD) So if I don't talk to them somewhat promptly they'll hear anyway and I respect them enough to hear it from me, if that makes sense. (At least the profs I work most closely with.) Anyway, sorry for rambling. EarthBound, you've been really helpful with advice and helping me get my thoughts out there. I really do appreciate it.
     
  6. biggayguy

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    I would ask my advisor to go with me to speak with the coach. See if you can arrange a time to meet with both of them present. That way you'll have some moral support handy and the coach may be less intimidating with a colleague present. Just a suggestion. :slight_smile: I'm not sure...
     
    #6 biggayguy, Jun 22, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 22, 2013
  7. EarthBound

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    In that case, perhaps you should tell him before you let your coach know.

    You are absolutely right unfortunately. His reaction could go either way. Hopefully he will see the positive effect of you having a positive mental and emotional health. Since his reaction is potentially shaky I definitely think having your AD support would be crucial.

    How do you think your teammates would react to the news? I only ask because if their reception would be acceptance then should your coach react negatively it could be a good bargaining (for lack of better word) chip to have. So if the coach thought it would be a distraction to the team you could say you've already discussed it with them and they're fine. This could be something that perhaps bring your xc team together and cements that you guys really do support each other.



    It makes complete sense that you respect them enough to tell them yourself. Given the size of your school and the fact that word will travel around it is important to control the flow of information. The best recommendations are truly written by people who know and understand you. Is there a chance that they might think less of you? Absolutely, that risk will always exist. Conversely, you could view this as something that will allow your professors to better understand who you truly are. A person's sexuality and sexual orientation has little to do with how well they can perform and who they are as a person. It is one small part of a great machine and if they can't look past that fact then that is their loss. If they're going to hear regardless it is better for you to tell them.

    Were you planning to come out in one day or over the course of several? If you were trying to come out to all your teachers at once perhaps you could write a letter and have it put in their mailbox or slipped under their door. While email is certainly a viable option I think a handwritten letter in a sealed envelope carries much more significance. The letter doesn't have to explain everything in great detail so don't feel pressured to write out your entire autobiography. You could begin my thanking them for being an amazing professor: you could compliment their teaching style, their personality that really adds to the class, the experiments that are done, how they lecture, etc. It could be anything that makes you say "I really like this professor" which you could include in the letter. After that you can begin to transition into the heart of the matter at hand. This could be done by stating how much you respect them and want this news to come from you instead of by another faculty or student. Once the little transition is over with you tell them. (If you're looking for an example look at the attachment below)

    Like I said earlier, don't feel compelled to give them the whole story. If they want to know more or have questions they can ask you in-person and the two of you can have a nice discussion over coffee or something.

    Letters can be a good way to convey what you wish to say and to compose your thoughts in an orderly fashion. For me, it is a lot harder to tell someone I am gay in-person even if I think I know how I want the conversation to go. Often times it comes out as a jumbled mess for me.

    Let's say you do decide to go with the letter route for your professors, I would ask and see if your advisor would be open to her name being listed as a contact should your professors have questions. Maybe the professor receives the letter, but is unsure of how to respond and what is and is not appropriate. Knowing they could contact someone who is already apprised of the situation could be helpful.

    If you want to knockout all your professors at once that is one viable option. This would allow you to personally go talk to the AD and your coach. If you wish to tell your teachers in-person that is absolutely fine to. I was just thinking of a way for you to get all the ducks with one shot.


    Never apologize for rambling. Sometimes it just helps to get things out in the open instead of keeping the thoughts confined in our head. I wish I could give you more accurate advice, but we're all here to bounce ideas off of one another so I am glad this has been helpful.
     

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  8. suninthesky

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    Thanks a lot for your help. I definitely keep coming back to this thread again and again to reassure myself when I get worried. I seriously do appreciate it.
     
  9. suninthesky

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    Re: How do I come out to my college coach? Update

    So much has happened lately.

    I've come out to a lot of people at school. Pronouns are something that people are still getting used to, but I haven't had any negative reactions.

    I haven't exactly come out to many of my professors. I came out to one (a new one) over e-mail specifically to talk about pronouns and she seemed really understanding and talked about one of her friends that she met in grad school going through the same thing with his professors. And then she used female pronouns in class. >_< *takes a deep breath*

    My friends have been okay about it, but only a few have tried to switch pronouns. Most of the time some people sort of avoid pronouns, which is better I guess.

    I did talk to my advisor and catch her up on what all went down over the summer with coming out to my parents and all. She's been nothing but supportive and said she's going to pay attention to pronouns! Okay, I apologize for getting so hung up on a small part of speech, but it has a bigger impact than one would think.

    Today... I actually came out to my Coach! :eek:

    I was vaguely thinking about telling him, since I owed him an explanation for the letter of release that somehow got sent to him, but when we started the meeting I lost all courage. We talked about running stuff and all, but then he started asking about my mom since her and I haven't always had the best relationship.

    I flat out told him that our relationship has been a lot better since I came out to her as transgender. He was incredibly unfazed. Didn't blink an eye or miss a beat. I think he took it the best and least awkwardly of anyone I've come out to. He did say something about him being pretty clued in on stuff (which is funny because I think he pretends to not care/be totally oblivious). He just asked how my family took it and how much of the team/people around school knew and if I was getting help where I needed it. He also said it was good that I was finding myself. My coach really jokes around a lot, sometimes kind of harshly (but in a funny way) and I was kind of worried he was going to make a joke out of it, but he didn't and it seemed like he took me seriously. He also wants me to not stress so much about running and said my times are going to come around.

    All in all, I'm pretty relieved. I'm obviously not going to push pronouns much, yet. It gets complicated when I'm on a women's team. Just relieved to have it out there. I don't think now, that there's anyone else I'm nervous about telling except my high school coach.. but I'm definitely going to have a conversation with him soon, and he doesn't have so much of an influence on my future anymore.

    Also, I'm going to go to a counselor pretty soon. Last week I was in a really, really bad place, but I feel loads better now. I kind of wonder if it is worth going to a counselor since I don't feel as acutely suicidal anymore. But I think my parents will feel better if I am going. I also think that since my head is all over the place, then I know the bad thoughts are going to come back, like they always have. Nervous about going though.

    Ay. I think that's everything... all scrambled. Thanks for reading, lovelies. You're the best. <3