1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

I was talking to my friend and her mom about coming out, and...

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by clockworkfox, Jun 23, 2013.

Thread Tools

Thread Tools

  1. clockworkfox

    clockworkfox
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,318
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    They recommended not letting my family be the last to know. They both talked about how, when my friend started coming out as a lesbian, her mom kind of already knew, but wasn't going to approach the topic first because she really wanted my friend to open up to her. When it got to the point where it seemed like everyone knew except her, they got into the biggest fight they ever had.

    Here's the thing though. Her mom is Christian, and very open and accepting, and she takes the stance that "if god made you the way you are, then why should he hate you for being true to yourself? and why should anyone else?" But I don't know how open or accepting my parents are. I don't know where they stand on gay rights issues. I don't know how much of the "homosexuality is a sin" mindset they've absorbed, and how capable they are of thinking for themselves about it. They're both a little old-school traditional, and while they're not as closed-minded as a lot of my extended family members, I don't think they're nearly as open as my friend's mom. I've tried coming out already, but they thought I was trying to tell them I was a lesbian, and they looked so scared, I just stopped while I was ahead. My dad said he didn't think it was "in his genetics" and he "wants to see grandkids someday" - nevermind that I have two younger sisters...is it just shock talking, or should I plan to be disowned in the near future? He does have a tendency to say things before giving them thought, and apologises a lot because of it. I feel really compelled to build up this big safety net of friends to support me before coming out in case anything should go badly, but that seems contradictory to their advice. Would it lead to the sort of big argument that happened between my friend and her mom?
     
    #1 clockworkfox, Jun 23, 2013
  2. Aldrick

    Aldrick
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    You shouldn't take a single situation and extrapolate from that that your situation will end up the same. Since I don't know your parents I can't say how they'll react or take the news. If you want to talk about how to deal with coming out in general we can do that.

    However, my advice in your situation is to do what feels right to you. Coming out is a personal thing, and you should strive to do it in the way that makes you most comfortable. It's even a perfectly valid decision to tell them last, or even to avoid the topic with them entirely.

    So, in the end if you feel that you want a safety net before telling them then that is what you should do. Other people may have different opinions, but in the end what they think and feel doesn't matter - this is your life, and you're the one who has to live with the consequences (both good and bad); and as a result it is your decision.

    Hopefully that helped. (*hug*)
     
    #2 Aldrick, Jun 23, 2013
  3. Candace

    Candace
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    May 8, 2013
    Messages:
    3,819
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Southeastern U.S.
    Gender:
    Male
    Do what your gut tells you. At least you have a friend now to confide in and be there for you when you need support. If they don't accept you as you are...then that's their fault. I agree with your friend's mother.

    And your dad? That's what HE wants. A big egotistical, don't you think? He seems to only want the best for himself...
     
    #3 Candace, Jun 23, 2013
  4. clockworkfox

    clockworkfox
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,318
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    You've both hit on a valid point - it's my life, not theirs. I just want them to be happy for me, and to support me even if their vision for my life differs from my own. (Which I'm very certain it does)

    Maybe I'm getting too scared too fast...

    So far I've got my mind made up to stick with the safety net thing. It feels more comfortable to me, and I already have a pretty nice web of support around me. I've had a few friends I've told make comments ("this thing you're doing, it's just...your face is way too cute, like way too cute for a guy, i can't see you as anything but a girl.") but so far no one's stopped talking to me or reacted really badly.
     
    #4 clockworkfox, Jun 24, 2013
  5. Aldrick

    Aldrick
    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2012
    Messages:
    2,175
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    Virginia
    I'm sorry that others made inappropriate comments like that. It sucks, but I'm coming to realize that straight people (and cis-gendered people who aren't at least slightly aware of trans issues) sometimes just don't get it. I just try to remind myself that we all grow up and live in an extremely heteronormative society and culture, and they are speaking and acting out of ignorance. I do my best to forgive, because allowing them to make me feel angry, resentful, or hurt just isn't worth it. If it's possible when situations like that come up, it's a chance to educate and push back against ignorance.

    So to coming out, you should do what feels comfortable and right to you. Don't let anyone pressure you. What is true for one person might not be true for another, and coming out is a personal journey. I know your friend and mother meant well, but just because things played out that way between them doesn't mean things will play out for you the same exact way. (*hug*)
     
    #5 Aldrick, Jun 24, 2013
  6. clockworkfox

    clockworkfox
    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 21, 2013
    Messages:
    1,318
    Likes Received:
    60
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    Gender:
    Male (trans*)
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    Some people
    They're very understanding and well meaning people, my friend and her mom. I'll probably take some of their advice on other things, but unless I can tell my parents already know and they want me to talk to them about it, I think I'll stay right here and keep coming out slowly, at least until after I talk to a therapist and sort myself out a bit more. I just want to be confident when I come out to them.
     
    #6 clockworkfox, Jun 24, 2013
(You must log in or sign up to post here.)