I'm having a hard time right now. I came out to my husband of 10 years. He's been very supportive, but also concerned about where we go from here. We have 3 young children, and I do not want to tear our family apart. I feel fortunate that he is understanding, but I'm not ready to give up what I have. I do love and care about him, but at the same time, I don't want to be selfish and unfair to him. I'm hoping someone has been through a similar situation that can give me some advice. I keep second guessing myself. Maybe I'm not a lesbian, as I've never been with a woman, maybe I'm just bi. Maybe this is a phase that will pass. I feel so sad and lonely right now, and confused.
Wow...now this is an unusual twist. May I ask, what made you come to this conclusion and how sure about this are you?
I've been attracted to women since I was young. I can say a man is good looking, but I don't think about it sexually. I even had a hard time dating men. I could hang with the guys all day, but when they wanted something more, I didn't want any part of it. I guess I just told myself I was just picky, and that me fantasizing about women was normal growing up and questioning my sexuality. I love my husband. He's my best friend, but in terms of sex, I can't enjoy it unless I'm actively fantasizing about being with a woman. ---------- Post added 23rd Jun 2013 at 12:11 PM ---------- I also married out of high school, and I grew up in a very conservative area. Being openly gay was an invite to being harassed and ridiculed. I never had the opportunity to explore anything.
Hey. I'm in a similar situation, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 11 years and I'm currently trying to work up the courage to come out to him. I'm glad your husband is supportive of you, that gives me a little hope. I'm sorry that I can't offer you advice, but it seems as though you've done the hardest part. Things will work out with your children. You will both be able to come to an arrangement with the kids and they'll adapt. You're a brave woman and I wish I had your courage.
I'm having a hard time overall. I keep trying to convince myself that I'm not. That only being attracted to women will pass. ALmost like admitting it to him made it harder for me to ignore myself. I feel a lot of guilt too because I feel as though I'm damaging my family. We have a great dynamic in our house, and I don't want to ruin that for the kids.
Well, I'm young, and I probably don't know much, but I'm hoping that I can help at least a little bit. So, I've heard of other people who have come out to their spouses and from there, the marriage has become open. As painful as it might be for both of you (especially him), that might be what you need to do in order for this to work out. Maybe there are other solutions, but I know that this is one that I've heard of before. Good luck figuring everything out!
Hey ConfusedLady, welcome to Empty Closets! (*hug*) What you're feeling is normal. I understand how you grew up, as I grew up similarly. However, I might be able to help reduce some of your confusion. First of all, you don't need to be sexually active with someone of the same sex to know that you're a lesbian. Straight people don't need to be sexually active to know what they want - it's a natural instinct. It's not something that we choose to feel, it's something that arises naturally in us. Second, it's important to remember that from the moment our parents knew we were pregnant they envisioned having a straight child. No doubt you did the same. The vision they had for their children was for them to finish school, grow up, get married (to the opposite gender), and then have children. This was also reinforced in us by society, and it happened all before we were even really aware of our sexuality. This means we - from a very early age - start to form a straight identity. We envision ourselves as straight, and we picture our future with someone of the opposite gender. Of course, at some point we realize that we aren't straight, and that the future we envisioned for ourselves isn't how we pictured it... even who we are isn't exactly how we pictured ourselves... This creates in us a sense of loss - the loss of our straight identity. There are certain stages we pass through: denial, bargaining, anger, depression, and acceptance. In the first stage we try to deny that we're really gay, and that it's just a phase or that we can change. In the second stage we try to bargain with ourselves, if we do certain things - for example - we can be happy, and being gay won't matter. Then when the bargaining doesn't work we become angry, we wonder why this is happening to us, why we're being punished. Then depression starts to creep up on us. We feel as if our life is ruined, and that everything is falling apart, etc. Eventually, though, no matter what order you work these phases in - the goal is to reach acceptance. When we reach acceptance we've fully shed our straight identity and begin to see ourselves as gay. This is a true and authentic identity, and it allows us to be who we really are. This is a process that takes time. However, I want you to know that you're not alone. There are many people on these forums who have gone through (and are currently going through) the very same situation as you! Please, stick around and continue to share your story with us. Let us know how we can further help you. Everything is going to be fine. (*hug*)
