The root of my issues, from the beginning

Self-Confidence is a funny thing. I think we've already covered the subject of a counselor/therapist...did anything come of that? They work wonders. As bad as it may sound, if that specific memory causes you to feel like crap, begin blocking it out of your mind. I have several memories that do this to me as well, and I've been able to slowly make it to where they don't come up quite as often, but that isn't a permanent fix. What needs to be done is making yourself comfortable with your sexuality, with that specific memory being a catalyst for it. I'm the same way in that I feel uncomfortable with people knowing that I'm gay. It's an issue I'm struggling with. It seems that might be part of your problem as well. All I can say is try to pursue the counselor or therapist. If not, talk with one of your good friends. Just talking about it can make all the difference.

 

For me, confidence in my sexuality was something I never thought I would achieve. It's funny because when I was around your age (even though age has little to do with it), I was so ashamed of every gay aspect of my life that I did everything I could to hide it. It was bad enough that *I* knew I was gay...let alone everyone else.

Looking back now its weird to think I had that mentality - and that I once lacked the confidence to become who I am today. I suppose what helped me to overcome my insecurities was immersing myself with other people "like me".

I suppose the turning point for me was when I met this guy at school who turned out to be gay (although how I found out was totally a freak of chance). We then went to the Melbourne underage gay- "dance-party" (underage club) which is hosted each school holidays. When I went to the club I just stopped for a moment. I couldn't believe that the room was filled with people just like me.

After the club the guy from my school and I became best friends. We supported each other, hung out, did the sleep over thing...but most importantly we gave each other the constant reassurance that who we are isn't a bad thing.

So while it's easier said than done (and not always possible) - try and meet more gay people. Seek out any gay community groups in your area and check them out. Don't be shy - they know exactly what you're going through. As cliché as this sounds...having a gay best friend changed my life.

 

I totally felt like that a few weeks ago.

What is working for me is convincing myself that:

all of the *gay* stuff we do is natural (just like straight kids naturally don't do this stuff)

having a relationship with a guy is healthier for us (than being in an unfulfilling relationship with a woman)

and being yourself is a beautiful thing

So: being gay is natural, healthy and beautiful for us. Who'd be ashamed of that! And why wouldn't you want to come-out!

Maybe it'll help you too.... Nick

 

Ah, self confidence issues...those suck.

I guess, like Dave said, find other gay people, or at least a REALLY good friend who knows, and begin to build up your self confidence with them. Just start with small things like wearing your scarf over to his/her house, and then work your way up from there. I know that for me, going shopping and going places with my best friend really helped me find confidence in my sexuality. It did start off feeling a little odd, but then it began to feel good, and then, just natural.

As for the memory, try not to dwell on it too much. Just remind yourself that that one instance really has nothing to do with who you are now, and really try not to think about it. This might be more easily said than done, since I am the king of suppressing emotions/memories, but try. Not thinking about it will give you room to grow in your sexuality, so when the time comes when you can't suppress it anymore, you'll be confident enough that it won't bother you as much.

 

Before I say anything of significance, I just wanted to point out the pure English grammar practiced by tired_of_lying. Hey man... a 16 year-old (sorry if I am mistaken) actually uses "my being", "my saying", etc.

Alright, that was just me being hysterical, abject apologies.

Anyway, I can actually relate to you owing to the fact I am a Chinese studying in Canada. Hence, I am not as confident as I was before. Even when it comes to self-consciousness; a utterly new culture really did make me vainer.

Due to the aforementioned scenario, I decided not to tell anybody here regarding my deviant sexuality until I graduate and migrate to Toronto (hopefully).

I guess it call comes to one conclusion. Living in a part of society where homosexuality is not a social stigma and gays are not discriminated (the nearest to me would be Toronto), will help us develop confidence in ourselves.

Well, I'll graduate earlier than you. 7 months more and university here i come! (That is if I get into one).

 

Reading your post. im not trying to be mean but it seems like your lieing and leaving a lot of things out. I in a way can relate to some of the things you said. Your post seemed like you wre just kind of lagging on and making things up. I could be wrong.I also would like to know how old are you. Because im relativly young too. It really bothered me when i read when i come out to everyone i can act as gay as i want. Im just saying this because why do you have to be gay as you want just be yourself you know. You obviously do have some issues if you say that. I know that its hard growing up in a world where everything we are taught is staight. Everything around us is sculpted straight.

You shouldnt keep looking towards college. I know it seems like it will be a big change but the people will be the smae. The change needs to be in you not the people around you. Because the people around you will never change. They wont. Because ignorance is around and it always will be. You do need to learn to accept yourself.

I dont know i mean what do i know.

 

oh and
saying when you come out everything will change it isnt always that way

i came out in september and i found it was harder after i came out

because showing something you've been hiding so long is very hard and it takes time to get used to

and when you go to college i think it could be harder since you wont have alot of the people you love and trust

 

Hi Brenton,

Slowly but surely, you are doing a great job of analyzing what got you to 16, and your present situation. I’m not sure that a therapist could do a whole lot more than provide moral support and tell you that you’re on the right track. Keep up the good work. :eusa_clap

Overcoming shame seems like an insurmountable challenge, but it can be done. Let me mention a couple of examples to illustrate. When I was in High School, our swimming class reg. was that we had to swim in the nude (boys and girls separated of course). It was some hygiene thing, a shower before, swim naked, and shower after. That PE (Physical Education) class scared me to death the first few times. I was literally ashamed of my body, especially being naked in front of guys. That came mostly from my mom who taught me that just about anything connected with our bodies was sinful, like playing with yourself in the bathtub, or having lustful thoughts during an erection. After a few swimming classes, I noticed that everyone was self-conscious, mainly about the size of our penis. We were all quite happy to get in the water so that our genitals were less visible to gawkers and critics.

By the end of 6 weeks, nobody gave a shit about flapping cocks and balls (is this ok for under 18?). We had overcome any shame and our confidence about being in the nude grew tremendously. No pun intended. At the time, I would have been petrified if I had known that I was gay. One of the ``bigger`` fears was getting a boner in the nude, and no towel to escape behind.

More recently, I was ashamed of holding hands with my boyfriend in public, or kissing him. Silly shame!!!!! It was my fear of what other people might think. I’m not sure whether I overcame the fear or love just overcame me. My partner had no fear at all. That sure let me forget shame rather quickly. What made it easy was that I was in a gay-friendly environment (gay bar), or in a cab where I was saying goodnight to my partner, and paying the bill. I frankly didn’t care what the cab driver or my neighbors thought.

None of this helps you until you can find a gay-friendly climate, even if it means a longer ride, a camping trip, somewhere where you can be your gay self, with no restrictions or inhibitions.

That can be the company of one.

In other words, your first priority is to get a gay buddy you can talk to, and one that you can smooch and cuddle with. That’s about the best cure I can think of for shame.

Living in a smaller town or going to a school with a small population must be very frustrating, like living in the bible belt, or living with ultra-conservative, homophobic parents. We all have our crosses to bear. I work for the US Army, a conflict in terms and morals that I have yet to resolve. Brenton, you can’t wait 2.5 years and you know it.

I noticed that you moved from Nova Scotia to ``3 hours from happiness.``. If you find a friend and meet him halfway, happiness is only 90 minutes away. You’re smart enough to know how to make that happen.

To sum it up:

YOU NEED GAY FRIENDS!!!!!!!

If I’ve learned anything in the last 6 months, I just can’t play shy and wait for love to come to me. I’m no expert, but it sure helps to see the spark in someone else’s eyes, and accept yourself the way you are. Then comes that long, passionate kiss. It might be love. It might just be physical attraction, or excessive alcohol, but wow! It’s the greatest gift you can ever receive.

Three guys have given me that feeling in the last 6 months, different ages, race, nationality (OK I might be a slut). None of these relationships happened by accident. Sulking at home or sitting on a bar stool got me nowhere. There is no shame in wanting or needing love.

Last week, I overcame another fear or two. I came out to my boss, and I sang the national anthem for an audience of about 600 at a Martin Luther King celebration. I didn’t fuck it up and was rather proud of myself. Don’t know which one was the bigger challenge. It’s about jumping over my shadow. It’s what allows me to kiss my boyfriend, with all the love I have.

Yup, I’m gay. But I have nothing to be ashamed of. Each day I gain pride because I know I can do things that some straight folks would never risk.

Yeah, you have to take risks to know that you are alive, experience vulnerability, and enjoy the fruits of your success, even if it’s only a big kiss in the full view of a cab driver who has never seen two guys kissing passionately. If we hide, we prove nothing, except our shame.

Nuff said.

 

Wow, creepy how much you just described me...anyway!! Yeah i so basically you just quoted my thought process over the last 2 years, and i'm not exaggerating.

Well as for the body image issues, we all have 'em, maybe me and you more than other people. But alot of it, like 40% is hormonal, you could be a super sexy swimmer built Calvin Klein underwear model, and if you're fourteen, estrogen and testosterone are gauranteed to find at least something out of place.

The mindset you have to have is, you could have no muscle mass, skinny as a rake (or a little plump, whatever), a little rib-age (or bump-age) showing and all, but chances are...almost everyone, yes i said everyone, will find you hot. If they are truely interested in what you look like with clothes on, minor flaws count for nothing...and i mean that. I see plently of naked straight boys who look just like you (from what you've described in past posts) and honestly, i find them just as attractive as the jocks and all my friends agree.

I'm a little bit on the rib-y side and i hate my body but i'm slowly getting more confident as i find others who feel the same.

The near perfect body will come in time, but first you have to have that little start of self-confidence to be even able to set foot in a gym or on a treadmill for a good workout. And if it means anything at all, i wish you knew how much i can relate your situation.

Well, i hate playing at deep roots cuz i usually get riddiculed saying i don't know what i'm talking about but let me point out the fairly obviously phenomenon thats occuring here...

When you were VERY young, the defintion of innoncence, you were emotionally pummled for doing something you felt was natural. Of course i'm referring to "the tent incident". It's no surprise that whenever you do something like play with barbies or think about wearing a simple scarf, that you second guess yourself to the point of supression.

I mean the scarf thing seems so innoncent to most, but to you it feels natural, and natural has 'always' (in your mind) meant bad news. (Am i getting warm?) Something like Barbies a bit more understandable to second guess but again something that just feels right to you, and you have to stop yourself and say well i feel like "i'm doing something wrong here", when your not.

Maybe i'm foolish or just bad with words, but my original point is in a more simple statement, because you were taken but such rude surprise at a very young age, you were programmed into worrying about what the hell others think of you and live in subconscious fear that the past might repeat itself.

I try to speak from the heart as the same thing happened to me. When i was about 10, me and this guy lets call him Nick, started fooling around every summer up camping. It went on for two years before, one day the parents came back early for the beach and walked in on Nick naked (me, clothed). Nick took all the blame, but thats besides the point. The pure shock of his mom walking in the trailor and screaming at him and i was confronted with the "G" word for the first time, so was he. I felt so guilty and dirty.

And up until this year...i was you. The nervous type, caring how people saw me so much to the point where i was so fake i nearly killed myself. But somehow, my mindset changed, and i wish i knew the secret i really do. Maybe another post i'll give it a stab, this one's too long already.

 

I'm soooo sorry that post was so long....and you're probably not going to read it but i think that helped me a little bit too so, thank you. As odd as it sounds, thank you.

Oh and btw, you think the selection THERE sucks...HA!:tantrum: :lol:

 

When I was your age I tried to be straight. Why? To be cool and popular.

I had to be cool, because otherwise I'd be NOTHING - or so I thought.

In my mind, I had a clear idea of what it meant to conform. And I judged everything I did, through this channel. But I had holes in my delivery.

I became paranoid that I'd be found out as uncool (gay). Later, I became such a perfectionist about this, that if I couldn't do something the right way, I wouldn't do it at all.

The result? I became boring, and I was rejected by the same cool people I was trying to fit in with. I was hurt. I lost friends. I felt inadequate. I lost face.

I thought my uncool friends were inferior to the cool friends I'd been rejected by.

Years after, I realised that I had nothing in common with my cool friends - these friendships would never have lasted. (So I didn't lose important friends)

Also, I realised that just because someone else is cool and popular doesn't mean that they're BETTER than me. And if the cool people say otherwise they're delusional. (Some of the most fun people I know are totally uncool - it just doesn't matter after school. I know that's hard to believe right now!)

Also, remember that you deserve respect and you should give respect. If you do decide to be the *natural* you someday, and (on the off chance) someone does reject you, respect their right to their opinion and respect yourself enough to let go of disrespectful people and go hang out with the friends that do respect you.

Finally, straight people can act naturally, why cant we?

-Nick

**Being gay is natural, healthy and beautiful... AND CLEAN!!!**

 

I'm sorry to post again and be a persistent bastard...

When I was in high school, one of the boys did something dumb, but he didn't get embarassed and go red in the face. He said he never gets embarassed because he doesn't regret anything he does.

Everyone does *suspect* stuff (ie tent incident) at some stage in their life, and thus you're in good company and it's not really regrettable, but normal. Don't be so hard and negative on yourself. Take all the time you need.

-Nick

 

The exact same thing happens to me. When a gay them arises on television and I'm watching it with my family I just pray for the scene to change or for it to go away unnoticed, so of course it never does...and then my sister (who knows) begins to give me awkward/knowing glances and if it goes on long enough my dad comments on it and I just about die there.

Same thing happens when a theme that is ever so slightly gay comes up in conversation, I notice it, feel weird and wish for it to slip away unnoticed. And then my dad obviously says something along the lines of "that's because he's GAY" and so I just smile politely and ignore it and think to myself "please drop it, please drop it, please drop it" and so of course he goes "right kids, QUEER" and my sister and I just go "haha, funny dad" and I leave the room.

So I guess what I'm ever so concisely trying to say is that it's perfectly natural and ordinary to feel awkward and embarrassed when things of that caliber come up in a family setting, especially if not everyone knows. And I really think Proud put his finger on it, it's natural to you so it's also shameful to you.