Hi - next month, I'll be 23. I also hope next month is the month I finally tell my girlfriend of 4 years that I'm gay. My biggest worries are not only what she will be like but also what her parents will think - bearing in mind I've been locked in this relationship since I was 18. What are they going to do to me? I don't mind them hating me beyond belief because I deserve that, I just don't know how they will react or if they will make it worse for me. My girlfriend will obviously need to tell all her friends and family about why we split and I have to do the same - the thought of it make me sick :-( when I think how much they've done for me - my legacy is ruining their daughter's life. It's so devastating when it hits you especially when I consider myself to be a nice guy who would never hurt anyone. Unbelievable what your upbringing and mindset can do. Anyway, a week or two ago I came out for the first time. I met up with a friend I know through my girlfriend's circle - he's openly gay and me, him and his boyfriend ended up very drunk! I don't regret coming out to them but just wish I could get the chance to speak to them properly (and sober). I get the feeling I embarrassed them or made them think I'm just messed up and need to sort myself out on my own. They were really supportive when I told them but I just want to make contact again and talk to people who know how I feel. How do I contact them without it sounding really weird if you get what I mean? Do you think they're waiting for me to want to talk to them because I'm still with my girlfriend or perhaps they've just forgotten i ever told them? Is there anyone around about my age going through the same? Also, if there's anyone from the UK on this forum then maybe you could point me in the direction of a counsellor or a good support group? If I don't start getting help, I really am scared about what I will end up doing. I am getting desperate now - I'm currently on my own with no one to talk to, no one to confide in. I have put this off for years and just need someone to talk to.
So you don't have feelings for the opposite sex? Sorry, I'm just curious. On your situation, no one can hate you for being who you are. Any other pain you've caused is another issue, but the fact that you're gay isn't. On EC, pour out your feelings, vent, do whatever you need. There's someone here who shares this situation with you and many here empathize with you. I'm sorry I'm one of those who can only empathize, but imo (while you're using EC as support) perhaps the gay friend is a good person to confide in. That is, if you believe they're a trustworthy person. It can seem weird to talk about your sexuality, especially if you're still working through it yourself, but understand that people just want to help. The best way to approach him may just be asking if you can talk in private. In the end, this will work out. It may not be easy to get through, but everything will be fine. I don't know how you feel now, but eventually you'll feel better that you stopped repressing who you are.
I think you should turn to those two gay friends you mentioned. I don't think they will judge you, even if you seem desperate. They have been through the coming out phase themselves, they will understand you (unless they are total jerks). They might however think that you will use them to break up with your girlfriend and that she will then blame them too. You must make it clear that you will not get them involved in the break up. Maybe it would be even better if you never told your girlfriend that you asked for their help. I think you have taken this a little more hysterically than you ought to. Ok, it will be a huge change, probably a painful one for your girlfriend, but it will be for the greater good. Take a deep breath, seek the gay friends' advice on sexual orientation, on coming out and once you are sure, ready and calm, tell your girlfriend.
ComingDownAgain, I was in your EXACT position a little over 2 years ago. I was in a relationship with a girl I truly cared about and loved for over 4 years. I always knew I was interested in guys but had never acted on my thoughts because I was committed to the relationship. Her parent's were better to me than my own and her circle of friends all cared for me when I was going through any kind of issue or needed someone to talk to. Here's the thing, a ton of people in the LGBT community, with the exception of Gold Star Gays/Lesbians have dated the opposite sex. It's just that you, I and MANY more I'm sure, have carried it on too long after we've realized that were not completely committed to the relationship anymore. When I broke up with my Ex, her parents were angry, they were furious that I had hurt their little girl. To the extent that there were emails and phone calls that I cried over (and I NEVER cry). But at the end of one of the emails her mother sent me she said, "At least you broke up now rather than wait until you were married and had started a family or something, I guess I should thank you for that." Which is kind of a back-handed comment but never the less, it's true. Fact: It's going to hurt, both of you. Fact: It's not going to be easy. Fact: People are going to be angry/upset/confused. Fact: True friends stick around. Fact: True friends forgive.
Just wanted to say thanks for the advice you've all given - I have been away on holiday for a while which has been good in a way but also feel like I'm running away from my problems. I'm hoping that by the end of the month, my girlfriend knows and somehow I can move on. There's no denying I am very worried about the reaction from both our families - hers because of what I have done and my own because of their conservative views.
If anyone is able to give me a few words of encouragement it would be very appreciated! Although it would be good to take things at my own pace, my girlfriend suspects something isn't right with me - we hardly spoke when I was away this last week. I can't think of a good time to speak to her because we don't have time alone. If I could, I'd come out to her tomorrow but its just things like telling her before she starts work and whilst she is on her own before her mum gets home, cannot bear to tell her tomorrow even though I want to. Sick of feeling like this and just want to be free from it all but I think this may take longer than I think.
I tried reading and rereading, but I still don't understand your fourth sentence explaining why you don't have time alone. Have you tried going to a semi-private place like a park or just going out for a walk? Or, you could just ask for some alone time because you have something important to say about your relationship. There is no need to keep dragging this out.
I don't really see her often enough to spend time in parks or walking - she would instantly know there is something wrong even if I suggested that because she knows I dot ask to go for walks in parks - although it is a good idea, might not really work for me. I don't think I'll be able to control the situation any longer, I'm not intentionally dragging it out, it's just finding the right time to do something massively difficult.
There's never going to be a "right time" to do this, no matter when and where you plan to do it, it's going to be really hard. This isn't my area of expertise but maybe somehow find out her view on LGBT people, this may or may not make it easier to tell her. I do think you should tell her yourself and not have someone else do it for you, sometimes people take it better if they hear it from the original source. Sorry I can't be of more help.
Okay so I had a long talk with my girlfriend yesterday. Basically she knows something is not right with me but she did say she would be there for me no matter what happened. I didn't say anything about my sexuality because I'm still too scared but I think I am ready now. He said her family would not hate me no matter what which is a big burden off my shoulders. Maybe the time to come out is now - then I can actually live my life how I want it to be.
