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Dealing with disastrous coming out experience?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by Lexx, Jun 24, 2013.

  1. Lexx

    Regular Member

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    When I was a teenager, I came out to my mother as bisexual. Her reaction was as though I'd just lit a match under her. She behaved so frantically that I couldn't reason with her. She began pacing the room, asking me "How could you do this to us!? After ALL we have done for you!", repetitively guilt-tripping me and shaming me. She also threatened that my father would "rip the computer out of the wall" (she blames my sexuality on the internet despite plentiful evidence even in my childhood of my sexuality long before the internet existed in our home) which horrified me. If I tried to speak up or interject, she would cut me off. So I gave up. I knew at the time how ridiculous her reaction was, but knowing that never helped me.

    This experience has severely emotionally scarred me and I still struggle dealing with this memory.

    I have not actually come out to my father, and I am frightened to do so in case my mother was right. (Not necessarily right about him "ripping the computer out of the wall" because I have a place of my own now, but about the supposed severity of his actions and feelings). It hurts that I don't even know how my own father with react to this, but at this point, I'm almost afraid that if I told him, it might actually, literally, kill him - as he is very old and in poor health. I don't want to come out to him.

    Many years on (I am now 26), and I still find my sexuality difficult to come to terms with because of this experience.
    I have nightmares about physically attacking my mother very brutally. I would never lay a finger on her, but still the nightmares trouble me and become actual fantasies that bring me some weird satisfaction. But I know these comes from a horrible place in me that hasn't recovered from the way she treated me. I felt utterly cornered and shamed.

    I actually also have jealousy problems when it comes to attractive women, so it packs an additional punch when I see a woman I find attractive. I have no idea what I can do... I think I just wish I had someone else who has endured an experience similar to mine who I can talk to.

    I realize that my coming out experience is nothing compared to what so many endure, and it just makes me feel even weaker knowing that I'm this badly hurt over it when it could have been so much worse. -_-
     
    #1 Lexx, Jun 24, 2013
    Last edited: Jun 24, 2013
  2. Corradino

    Regular Member

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    Hi Lexx, Sorry to hear about your experience. How long ago was it? Without wishing to be insulting it's your mother who has the problems, and not yourself. The way she stated "how could you do this to US" is utterly ridiculous and bigoted.

    Now that your situation has changed (you are now defiantly old enough to represent yourself and self sufficient in your own home) I'd come out to both of them. Make it clear to them no matter how they reacted you won't be changing your life and you will remain in touch with them.

    I think your mum will react differently now she has had time to store it in her mind. You can't let your parents control your life, but you must come out to them.
     
  3. BlueSupernova

    Regular Member

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    First of all, I am so, so sorry to hear about what happened to you. Honestly, that shouldn't happen to anyone, but please know you are not alone in your experience. :slight_smile:
    It sounds like you are going through a lot right now. But luckily for you, you are not 16 years old. As you are an adult, you are able to support yourself and have your own home. So, although it may seem horrible to lose your mother, I think you have to come out to both of them, and, yeah, maybe, the worse will come from them, but at least you might get some closure from your experience. I may not know you, but after an experience like this, you must be a very strong and brave person. I believe you can do this.
    I hope this helped, and the best of luck to you. :slight_smile:

    ---------- Post added 30th Jun 2013 at 05:51 PM ----------

    cool pic btw