1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

Is it too young to come out TO a 13-year-old?

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by AlamoCity, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. AlamoCity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2012
    Messages:
    4,656
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lone Star State
    I want to come out to my sister, who's thirteen, but I'm afraid that she may be too young to understand what it means. My family is prude when it comes to topics of sexuality, so I don't know how much she knows about gays and lesbians (trans* topics might be a little more complex for her at this age, although in my context its immaterial at this time because I am comfortable with my gender). I don't feel my mom would necessarily mind that I tell her, but I am afraid that she's too young to know. I don't think I'll enter the dating scene in the foreseeable future so it won't be an issue like, "Who's that friend you brought over?" But I still feel that it might be therapeutic for me since I am very close to her.

    It's wrong, but one of my ill-founded beliefs is that if I come out to her, I could potentially confuse her own sexuality and maybe lead her to something other than straight. I wish her the best so I only wish for her to be straight and if she happens to not be (I don't have any indication of that and she has had many crushes on boys, namely Harry, Zane, and Liam from One Direction), I sure as hell don't want it to be because of me. I know I can't really influence her on that, but when it's your own family and situation, your mind doesn't think as lucidly.

    Any advice on the subject is much appreciated.
     
  2. Night Rain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    Whoa that's a big age gap there! The good thing about kids is that they are much more accepting thanks to the coverage of gay issues in the media. And she's a girl! Girls are usually nice towards gay men (and I know too many girls who call themselves fangirls - referring to yaoi *shudders*). I cannot speak for your sister, but 13 years olds are much more knowledgeable than you think.

    If you're afraid that she may have some bad ideas about being gay, then why not test the waters first? Find out if she ships any boy-boy relationship. Get to know more about her hobbies, what she reads, etc. and ask her about possible gay characters in them, for example.

    Or take a more dangerous approach and say that you think Liam is gay hoping that she will answer with "and what's wrong with that?". OK I'm just joking. :lol:

    It should be easy to at least guess her view on this matter based on what's around her, so don't worry so much about it, unless she's around some really homophobic friends.

    And no, why would you coming out to her confuse her own sexuality?
     
  3. AlamoCity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2012
    Messages:
    4,656
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lone Star State
    Thanks for the advice! My sister and I are the only siblings. My parents had me when they were 30 and then my mom wanted another one but had two miscarriages and then she had an unplanned pregnancy at 40. We are really close and I don't want to lose that. Usually, I try to shield her from gay characters if they pop up on TV by changing the channel or the conversation, but maybe I'll let it be and see what arises organically.
     
  4. castle walls

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 14, 2011
    Messages:
    798
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Western USA
    I don't think 13 is too young at all. Your family may not have told her much about sexuality but she's probably heard a lot about sexuality at school. I learned about homosexuality from the other students at school when I was around 8 or 9. Currently, I'm working in the education field and I've overheard children talking about gay people at an even younger age. I'd be really shocked to hear that a 13 year old didn't know much about homosexuality.

    Even if you aren't planning on bringing anyone home, telling your sister about your sexuality could help the relationship. It is difficult to be close to someone when you're hiding a secret about your sexuality.

    You can always try to gauge how your sister feels about homosexuality without outing yourself. For example, you can ask her if she heard/what she thinks about the DOMA or Prop 8 decision. It doesn't have to be a news related topic. Night Rain gave you some other good examples you could use.

    Good luck!
     
  5. Night Rain

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 27, 2012
    Messages:
    1,647
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Asia
    Sounds just like my family! My parents had me when they were 31 and 7 years later mom had an unplanned pregnancy, there came my brother (and I thought 7 was a big age gap!). Since you and your sister are close, I doubt that your orientation will change that. Even if she is somehow against homosexuality, you being gay should change her view (especially since she's young).
     
  6. AlamoCity

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 28, 2012
    Messages:
    4,656
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Lone Star State
    Thanks. I guess it's just that we live in a culture, at least in America, that boils down sexual orientation with sexual activity and I just don't feel as comfortable with that. To many, sexuality is a taboo subject.
     
  7. BMC77

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 27, 2013
    Messages:
    3,267
    Likes Received:
    107
    Location:
    USA
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I guess I'd ease into the conversation by talking about the DOMA case, or other such relevant current news stories.

    It's hard for me to guess how much she'd know/understand at 13. I certainly understand what you are saying about your family being prudish. My mother had a streak of prudishness, and a lot of things just were not discussed. Thus, at age 13, I sure didn't understand a lot about sexuality, and I did not know what being gay involved. All I knew was that "gay" was an insult boys used on each other. But...even without a explanation of "gay," some understanding seeped in, anyway. For my generation, a huge issue was AIDS. Today's 13 year olds who have even the slightest inkling of current events (some do, some don't) might know something about same sex marriage since it's been discussed so much. Certainly if they follow popular culture, they'd be aware of TV shows or something that have gay characters.

    Even if she knows nothing, it seems to me she is old enough to understand an explanation along the lines that some men fall in love with other men.
     
  8. wanderinggirl

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 15, 2013
    Messages:
    1,189
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York
    As a younger sibling (I have 2 brothers more than 10 years older than me) I always wanted to be taken seriously by my siblings. I think if one of them had come out to me I would have felt really special. My situation is reversed; but I have all their support now. That being said there are times when kids shouldn't learn about sex, but at 13 she probably knows more than you think. And no kid is too young to learn about love. There's definitely an age-appropriate way to talk about it.
     
  9. 2112

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2013
    Messages:
    651
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    She's 13, I'd be very surprised if she didn't know what it means, she probably hears it in the news and at school every day. If she doesn't, she should know about this stuff. Don't try to shield her from it.

    My sister is just turned 13. She knows what it means to be gay, lesbian, bisexual, and even understands trans. She also accepts it, probably because she understands it. If you protect your sister from reality for too long (assuming she somehow doesn't know anything about it, which is very unlikely) it will just be more confusing.

    Try to see what her reaction is to gay couples on TV and to all the stuff about gay marriage. If she misunderstands anything or seems homophobic, try explaining. At that age it's easier to change an opinion.
     
  10. sexyalex

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 23, 2007
    Messages:
    1,253
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Kingston
    I haven't come out to my 13 year old niece.
    But, I have watched shows with gay scenes in it, like Borgias and Scandal while she is around and she covers her eyes and screams "oh my god!" and I would just laugh and she would slap me and say "Uncle Alex!"

    Nothing more than that. And she hasn't reported me to my older sister as yet. Soooooo
    until they stop asking me to babysit....
     
  11. Argentwing

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Dec 13, 2012
    Messages:
    6,696
    Likes Received:
    3
    Location:
    New England
    Gender:
    Male
    Gender Pronoun:
    He
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    13 is the prime age for understanding what "gay" is. At that age, I basically considered it an insult. But to be honest with her about what's going on will do wonders for her perception not only of gay people, but of any straight friends who consider gayness an exceptionally poor life choice.
     
  12. phoenixverde

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 20, 2013
    Messages:
    198
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Texas
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    I think it would probably be fine, but I would only give information she ask for. It would be better, I think, to ask if she knows what gay means. I would stay away from the word sex unless she brings it up. And if she ask you a question, make sure you know exactly what she wants to know before you answer.

    ex: Mommy where do I come from? Mom launches into story about the birds and the bees. Kid says...oh okay, but where do I come from? My friend says he is from Chicago.
     
  13. 2112

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2013
    Messages:
    651
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Michigan
    I wonder how often that happens? That would be awkward for both of them :lol:
     
  14. Stripe101

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Feb 11, 2013
    Messages:
    1,163
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    New York (Not the city)
    Coming from a 14 year old, I'm sure she'll understand. I personally don't think it could affect her own sexuality. It would be nice to have a positive relationship with a gay person.
     
  15. Silver Wolf

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Apr 4, 2013
    Messages:
    12
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Usa
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    Coming from another 14 year old, she'll probably understand. Just make sure that she tells NO ONE. If you feel like she is trustworthy, go for it. Good luck!
     
  16. GayTornado

    Full Member

    Joined:
    May 3, 2013
    Messages:
    83
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Australia
    13 isn't really young but it depends on the kind of person she is. If she's mature then you should be fine but if she acts like she's six (Like my 11 year old sister) then maybe it wasn't the best idea. Either way, you are out to her so not much help now.
     
  17. fluttershygirl

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2013
    Messages:
    4
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Out Status:
    A few people
    I'm sure shell understand , I'm 13 myself and came out too some friends 3 months ago
     
  18. ellierainbow

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 30, 2013
    Messages:
    18
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    South of Germany
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    My little brother also is 13 and I was already thinking about coming out to him, but since he is a very childish (and sometimes perving) guy, I think that I'll do it somewhen later, when he's a little grown up. When he only hears the word "lesbian" he automatically thinks of porn. But he's a boy, so it's not comparable :grin: only maybe that lids that age may not take it as serious as you liked the to do.
     
  19. hiddenxrainbows

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 11, 2011
    Messages:
    336
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Pennsylvania
    I don't think you'll have a problem telling her. I'm 20 and have a 14 year old sister. Our dad is older, more old fashioned so sex and such were never discussed. And he's even homophobic, so she's heard plenty of negative stuff about gays. But I just came out and told her a year ago, and she was just like "okay." She's fine with it and even likes gay people. She is a little sheltered for her age, since none of the family talks to her about stuff, but she at least knows what gay means. And even if a kid doesn't hear certain stuff at home' they will definitely learn about it at school from the other kids. So don't assune they don't know anything.
     
  20. mwaffles

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2013
    Messages:
    174
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Brasil
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Uh, I don't know, my little cousin, who is 9, knows what gay means, never told her I was one of them, but she knows I have friends who are gay, and she is just like "oh, I kind of knew it. He seems to be." hahaha.
    I don't know if you would confuse her, it's kind of hard, but I don't think so. They know a lot, believe me.