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I'm pretty sure my uncle(s) is(are) gay

Discussion in 'Coming Out Advice' started by memyself, Jun 27, 2013.

  1. memyself

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    So it's my grandparent's anniversary this weekend and the whole family is coming into town. All the aunts and uncles and cousins.

    One of my uncles is coming with his "best friend". Let's call my uncle bob and his "best friend" jim. Bob and Jim have been living together for about 25 years now. For the most part, they've always lived very far away and except for when I was really little, I've only seen them a handful of times. According to my mom, uncle bob hasn't had a girlfriend since they were teenagers/young adults. And for the past 10 years or so, uncle bob and jim have owned a candle and home decor shop together. Also, jim LOVES indian musicals. And jim is very flamboyant. And in general uncle bob is kind of feminine. And apparently the only time uncle bob said that him and jim weren't gay was 25 years ago.

    So i could probably come up with a few more "clues", but that's not really the point. They're gonna be in town soon and they're staying all weekend. Part of me really wants to try to get them to come out and say it, one way or the other. I just feel bad that everyone else in the family is open and proud about who they're with. They all get to introduce their significant other to the family and tell everyone how much they love them and they all have weddings, ect.. If they are indeed gay, i want them to be open about it and be happy and proud. I mean, how terrible would it feel to love someone so much that you want to spend your life with them and you can't even tell your family? Just keep it a secret or assume they all might know and just sweep it under the rug. How can you sweep the love of your life under a rug?

    Part of me really wants to just say something like, "So are you two gay? You can tell me because I'm gay too." But I also want to do it discreetly because I wouldn't want to cause any drama during the only time that my whole family is in town and we are all supposed to be celebrating my grandparent's anniversary.

    Any advice would be very awesome. I don't want to make a big deal out of it, but at the same time, i want them to be happy and proud of who they are (or just confirm uncle bob is straight, but i think that's unlikely).

    oh and one more detail, I'm not fully out to my whole family. my immediate family knows and they're all supportive, but my aunt and uncles and cousins would only know if they went on my facebook.
     
  2. AlamoCity

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    I have a slight inkling that they're gay. Perhaps, the best thing you can do is to ask your uncle discretely and tell him:

    And then explain your situation. If he's/they're not ready to come out to everyone, then perhaps it'll benefit them to know that there are safe people to come out to and get a load off their shoulder. Then perhaps, little by little, they'll be able to accept who they are and be open to your family.
     
  3. Tightrope

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    Do you see them frequently and do you want to hang out with them? If so, you can choose to hang out with them and let this unfold on its own pace. If you are doing it only to satisfy your curiosity, then I think it's less appropriate. There could also be a generation that separates you that would not make you buddies. Perhaps I'm wrong. I've encountered this situation with a few relatives who live in other states, and who I don't see very often, and I've wondered, or even assumed, but have never asked. Base the decision to pursue this on the level of current and intended future familiarity.
     
  4. Beachboi92

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    my advice is to talk to one of them in private and be like "did you hear about DOMA and Prop 8 getting overturned? I'm really excited that I can actually get married some day." If they are low key and don't talk very openly about it this around-a-bout approach may get them to disclose it at least to you. Also you could ask them what their plans are now that DOMA and Prop 8 are overturned. However don't try to force them out to family if they don't want to be public about it. Instead my recommendation would be to build a relationship with them so that you have some gay family who can have your back and who can help you if you ever need someone to really understand something you are dealing with. Gay family can be the best kind when your gay in my experience and opinion.
     
  5. memyself

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    I only see them once a year, if that. I agree, I wouldn't want to do it to just satisfy my curiosity, that'd be bad. But if I look at it from their perspective, I would be going crazy. When I'm in love with someone, I want to yell it at the top of a mountain. I would feel like crap keeping my significant other a secret for 25+ years.

    I don't want to take any action for my own sake. I want them to be happy. If i were in his shoes, I'd be very depressed and sad about hiding it. But on the flip side, if he is actually straight, then I'm just being sympathetic about nothing.

    ---------- Post added 27th Jun 2013 at 10:25 AM ----------

    right, absolutely not. I strongly believe that coming out is one's personal choice. I will keep it a secret if I do find out. I might gently encourage them to do it on their own. I don't think they'd come out this weekend if I did find out. Mainly i just want them to know that they have at least one person in the family that knows and is 100% supportive. From there, it's up to them.
     
  6. BudderMC

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    While I get what you're saying and near-100% agree with the sentiments they'd probably be feeling, you need to stop there. Even if they are gay and that is how they're actually feeling and they are actually going crazy, it is their choice to live in secrecy. I also have absolutely no doubt that between the two of them (if not with other people) they've discussed whether or not to remain private or go public, and for whatever reason their choice was to stay private.

    I'll be honest in saying I really don't think this is your place to pry. If you do do anything, I would stick to very impersonal LGBT topics like DOMA since it's so relevant. A lot of times when there are "I'm not sure if my best friend is gay, what do I do?!" threads, I suggest to start by coming out to them. In doing so, you show them that you trust them enough to say so. And if they happen to have something relevant to the topic (ex. coming out themselves), then it provides a perfect opportunity for them to do so. The only thing to be cautious of is that if they don't end up responding with their own big secret reveal, you need to accept that for what it is and move on.

    Also keep in mind that even though your wish is for them to be happy, happiness is in the eye of the beholder. I don't think it is any of our places to say whether or not they're happy where they are and whether or not they'd be happier if they just came out to everyone.
     
  7. memyself

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    Thanks, this is really good advice. I guess you're right.
     
  8. Chloe

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    I had a similar uncle situation, except that there was no question that they were gay and I wanted to let them know about me. I just wanted to let them know there was more "family" in the family. No one ever talked about the nature of the relationship and it was a while before I figured it out. They were just there, always together.

    To come out to them, I asked my uncle's lover a question about local gay bars. Today, I might have said something about DOMA instead.

    It always bothered me that while being generally accepting, the family did not treat him like a spouse. He was at all the family gatherings, but -- if I'm remembering this correctly -- he was not seated at the table with my uncle at formal events. This was a long time ago when people didn't generally discuss "gay rights."
     
  9. 2112

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    :thumbsup: Talk to them about it. I really want to know what happens, so make sure to tell us later!
     
  10. The username

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    If they have been together for 25 years, then doesn't everybody already know? Maybe they don't feel the need to say it...