Well where do I start, I have spent so many years either avoiding the issue of my sexual orientation or pretending to be ‘normal’ not that there is such a thing as being normal. All through school all my crushes were on female teachers, singers etc. Whenever friends asked me who I liked I just didn’t answer the question or I would change the subject. I have had two serious boyfriends one at 18 and the other at 21 but neither of the relationships felt totally complete they both felt as though something was missing. With my last boyfriend I did what is considered normal, and had my children with him. Through school and adult life I have only ever really fancied women, but this just made me feel weird and I certainly didn’t have anyone to talk to about how I was feeling. When I was 18 I kissed a girl for the first time, it was totally amazing it felt right. When I was 23 I got into an online relationship with a woman and ended up falling in love with her. Now I am 25 and I still don’t know what my orientation is. Can I be a lesbian even though I have two children or am I bisexual? I don’t fancy men at all I see them as friends rather than lovers. I have no one around me that I can really talk to about any of this. My head is all over the place. What is making it harder is that I keep getting crushes on my friends then start avoiding them until I have gotten over the crush. Any advice would be great. Thank You.
First off, welcome to EC! Well, I can't really offer much advice to this topic, but what I do know is that your orientation isn't just set in stone throughout your whole life. It's perfectly acceptable to have been bisexual when you had your children with your then-boyfriend, and if now it only feels right to kiss and be with women, then congratulations, you're a lesbian! Lots of people think bisexuality is always just a phase, and often it can be (there are of course those who genuinely are attracted to both genders from the word go, ie moi ^_^). That's the only advice I can really offer you. There are loads of people on these forums who are able to help you in more detail, good luck!
You're not the only member on here whom has had children in a relationship like this (just so you know). Some people force back there sexual orientation only to keep having to deal with it later. Just because you've been this guys doesn't right of mean that you're bi. It may be you're lesbian but I can't tell you what you are or are not. That is something that really only you can find out yourself. (But I can say it doesn't sound like you're bi). Also ~ This is an "Am I gay?" sticky under the "Coming Out Stories" section. Annnnd.. Welcome
Just because you have had heterosexual relationships in the past and even had children does not mean that you are necessarily 100% straight. If you have always been attracted to girls and your one lesbian kiss just felt SO right you may well have been in denial of your homosexual side. Would it really be that bad to be lesbian? Can you really live the rest of you life refusing your natural attraction to girls or are you ready to give it a go and see where it takes you? Your children are obviously quite young which is good as they take these things in their stride at a young age. Be true to yourself, this is your life, you deserve to be happy and truely love someone and be loved in return. It SOUNDS as though you are lesbian but you are the only one who can decide that, only you know how you REALLY feel inside. Listen to yourself, don't judge yourself and you will find the answer.
First of all, welcome to EC! Your story sounds very similar to mine, although without the children. We are similar ages, and I spent most of my adult life in a serious - very serious - relationship with a man, in spite of having gone through school crushing only on female teachers and friends. I too have wondered whether I am lesbian or bisexual; I have wondered this over and over again, and then over and over again. I have wondered what my heterosexual relationship meant to me, whether it was love, friendship, denial, or convenience, or what. But I still don't know the answer. I still do not know whether my heterosexual relationship was "real", or "not real", or whether my frequent crushes on female friends are "more real" than this relationship was. But I have, after a long while, and some help from EC and real-life friends, come to accept that I may never know this. As you can see from my profile, I am currently identifying as bisexual, but this is because I can no longer be bothered to think about it, and am happy at present to fall in love with whomever I fall in love with. But it does sound to me as though it is more likely that you are lesbian than bisexual, but remember that bisexual does not have to mean that you have an equal attraction to both sexes. If I am totally accurate, I would say I was maybe 90% lesbian, based upon my previous attractions. But that 10% is enough, for me, to identify as bisexual, even though sometimes I feel it would easier just to be gay - but then I would be denying that facet of my sexuality. But I know how confusing it can be to have been in serious long-term heterosexual relationships, only then to be confronted with the fact that, in fact, you are really quite gay, even though you may have had suspicions at the back of your mind for a very long while. But I did not truly admit this to myself until recently when I was strong enough to cope; so what I would say to you is that the fact you are now confronting this issue head-on is evidence and proof that you are strong enough to face up to it. I think that this is especially true for individuals who come to realisations about their sexuality later in life: I believe that our unconscious tries to block our suspicions or gets us to waive them away, until the day we can cope. So what I mean is, I think you'll figure it out (*hug*). But I would first try and come to an acceptance of not being straight, and then just see where life takes you. If you find that you are crushing on female friends mostly, then you are probably mostly lesbian; but if you cannot recall a time, ever, when you have been attracted to a man, then you may be totally lesbian. But I think that the distinction between bisexual and lesbian is a minor tweak that comes after you have accepted and come to terms with non-straightness, although of course, there is a possilibity of an easier life if you are bisexual. The problem also, with being older and having been in heterosexual relationships, is that everyone believes you are straight. Do you have this problem? I do. And you can also get the feeling that by coming out to people, they will feel that you have been lying to them for years, when in fact the only person you have been lying to is yourself. I think that this can make coming out a little more difficult. Are you in this situation? I'm sorry that I haven't offered much advice - the reason I haven't offered much is because I feel as though I am going through a similar thing (minus the children), and am only learning as I go along what to do, and how to feel. I think I may be a step ahead of you along the road, but then I don't really know; but I am in the dark too, so I am sorry for not being more constructive. But welcome to EC, and I'm sure you'll figure it all out with us around to help you And also feel free to PM me if you wish
Certainly sounds like you're not straight but like the others said, only you know your real feelings and can say whether you're a lesbian or bisexual. I can relate to you because I spent a long time in denial followed by a period where I was unsure if I was bisexual or a lesbian. But it came down to this: I have never ever been attracted to a guy in my entire life, so currently I am identifying as a lesbian. But that's enough about me; this thread is about you. ccdd gave you some excellent advice; she certainly knows what you're going through so listen to her. Good luck with whatever you decide!
Thank you all so much for your advice, it has given me lots to think about. Hln D, your advice was very helpful and it has helped me on my way to answering at least one of my questions Skytears, I read the sticky about Am I gay, a very well written post, and I felt as though it me in that post, I could totally relate to it. Louise, I do think I was in denial of something but I am yet to accept it, but no I don't think that I can go the rest of my life ignoring it. ccdd, your reply made so much sense to me. I felt as though I could have written some of it myself. Yes I do have the problem of people believing that I am straight because I have children, and yes as well to the issue that they will feel as though I have been lying to them all this time, it makes things so much more complicated and harder to do. I do think that you are a few steps ahead of me along this road but the advice that you have offered has been great. heatqueen, ''I have never ever been attracted to a guy in my entire life, so currently I am identifying as a lesbian.'' this made think about something that I said to a friend a few months ago. I chose my ex boyfriend not because I fancied him or found him sexually atractive but because I wanted children. I also had a think back through life and all my crushes and not once did I ever fancy a guy or find them sexually attractive. Thank you all again for you replies and advice, it has helped me answer many questions, allowed me to feel less lonely knowing that I am not the only one dealing with these things. It has also helped me with something which I think I already knew now I just need to decide where to go from here.
I'm glad we've managed to help you a bit (*hug*), and it sounds as though you know the answer to at least one of your questions - which is a big achievement, even if on one level you always knew. The rest isn't easy, especially being someone who is older with children, but I don't think there's any rush and I think you can probably afford to give yourself a little break having come this far so recently. Although, of course, it's up to you. But feel free to post here as much as you like! There are also a few people on here who have experience of coming out to their children, if you ever feel you'd need help with that in the future (although I presume they're still quite young), and threads to that effect. But I'm glad we were able to help you a little (*hug*).
