Please help me?

I don't have really any experience with coming out, but this sounds like a good idea. If he acts negatively, over time he might come to terms with you and except you. If this never happens don't feel offended, he might take it the wrong way. When you tell him, don't make it sound like a bad thing, act casual. When your telling him don't like half way through stop because you are scared what he might think, that will just make things worse. Keep us posted after you tell him. Good luck!!!

 

As far as how you plan to deal with "C", I don't really have anything to say. Seems like your solution is perfectly alright, although I'd deal away with the use of "probably".

About your sexual orientation. Maybe you're still bi, maybe you're becoming increasingly more comfortable with man that you may find perhaps closer to being gay instead. You certainly wouldn't be the first who initially identified as bi because of attraction to both men and women and then find yourself losing your attraction to females entirely. That was my case as well.

For now though, I don't think there's a problem with saying "I'm not sure how I feel about girls at the moment, but I know I like guys". If labels like "Bisexual" or "Homosexual" doesn't seem to fit you, well just call yourself "Waynesexual". At the end of the day, labels are just words and they might lead to confusion until you've truly settled down with your own feelings, so don't pay too much attention to them.

Perhaps you should consider telling your grandmother though, especially if it really bothers you and you think she'll be fine with it. It can be unpleasant to have a parent or grandparent constantly bringing up something that makes you uncomfortable, so getting that out of the way can be helpful (and you might gain a source of support as well).

 

I can see why you're hesitating to tell your bipolar grandma then.

I understand the confusion though. I spent pretty much 10-11 years of my life trying to figure out what I was feeling considering I was attracted emotionally to females and sexually to males which I brushed off all the time. I had only crushed on girls until last year. This year is actually the first year that I've actually looked up information about homosexuality, and that happened after I finally accepted myself. Probably in an attempt to avoid finding out my sexual orientation I've most likely unconsciously stayed away from looking up homosexuality, although I wasn't holding back on gay porn. Go figure :lol:

As I grew older, things gradually got a little clearer for me and I eventually pretty much had no choice but to make sense of all of this. My attraction to females diminished over the years until it reached 0, and I was becoming more and more interested in males until the point where I finally said "Alright, I'm gay" to myself earlier this year, and it became increasingly more obvious when I began looking back on the past 10-11 years or so of my life that I had been in denial, just how many hints there were that I hadn't let myself see.

I think that if you try too hard to try and figure out how you feel, you're not going to find an answer, so it may be best to give it some time as you might not be allowing yourself to see all the hints to make everything clear. Instead, you should just focus your attention elsewhere like on your crush (or a future crush).

 

I know that feel, bro (*hug*)

Do you feel like some of your emotions come from the anxiety that you WANT to be with C?

Let's put it this way. If I were to make an educated guess, I would say that C is at least bisexual. Actions speak louder than words, and just because he makes those homophobic remarks doesn't mean a cent. I think he wants to disassociate since he doesn't want to get found out or discouvered that he might not be straight. He might BE straight, who knows? But from the examples you've listed, I concur that he is not straight. I don't he knows how to handle his emotions or deal with the fact that he could be something other than straight. Did he say why he broke up with his girlfriend and who dumped who? You said that he said "at least we got each other, etc. etc.". Some of my best friends are straight males but I would NEVER compare my bonds with them to that of my boyfriend's. They're my friends/brother, not my secret lover...ew ><. Anyway,that doesn't seem normal to me (for someone to say that after he broke up with his girlfriend and "suddenly" be happy again and be cheerful saying that).

You, Wayne,on the other hand...I can understand why you feel frustrated. You have feelings for this guy, no doubt, and you don't want to tell him "C, I'm gay (when you're not even sure). If you knew 110% sure you were gay, then there'd be no questions.

I mentioned this before. Go to a counselor. They can help you delve into why you feel confused. That's their job! You're 16, and it's normal to feel confused at this age (I was confused at 16 as well). If that doesn't float your boat, then feel free to talk to me, bro. I've had the same problems in the past and I've gone to counseling for help. It does work.

Your bud, elpanachevere (*hug*)

 

Hey Wayne. (*hug*)

You seem to be in a good place regarding your sexual orientation at the moment. It's normal for some people to have some confusion. I think you should continue to stop worrying about labels for the time being. As you've said it's something that's going to sort itself out in time.

Speaking from a somewhat similar experience, I know when I have a crush on a guy that my attention seems to focus more on him than other men. Someone who might catch my eye under normal circumstances, might not do so when I'm crushing. The same thing could be similar for you here, and your crush on C could be leading you to have stronger feelings toward other guys in general. Alternatively, you could be growing more and more comfortable with your sexual orientation, and as this happens you identify more as gay than as bisexual.

In the end though, as you know, it's not that big of a deal. You know who and what you're attracted to at any one moment in time, and that's what matters. ...and right now, that's C.

I can't really comment on whether or not he's gay or bisexual. It's something that is impossible to guess, even from what you've written. Even if someone fills every gay stereotype that isn't a 100% method to detect gay people. This is even MORE true for people who aren't a walking gay stereotype checklist. Guessing his sexuality could lead you to false hope, but is it possible? Sure.

However, even if he is secretly gay or bisexual, that doesn't mean he'll be comfortable coming out to you. This is true even if you come out to him.

There are a whole range of things that could happen if you come out to him. I'm sure you've thought about everything that could possibly go wrong. However, I'm curious as to how you'd handle the big two...

What will you do if he reacts negatively to you coming out? You're already out to one friend, are you out to any more people? It's important to have people you can fall back on for emotional support if this happens.

Also, what will you do if he tells other people about your sexual orientation? (He could do this even if he supports you.) This doesn't have to be done maliciously because some people like to gossip, so he might tell someone under the impression they could also keep a secret. However, that person could then tell other people and... How comfortable are you with more people knowing that you might be gay or bisexual?

If you're comfortable with these two potential risks, then I see no reason for you not to tell him that you're not 100% straight. If he accepts you and takes it well, then it could lead you to having a deeper and more serious friendship with him. However, of course, it doesn't mean that he wants to have anything beyond friendship with you.

I think the step-by-step approach you want to take things is a good move. It means you're less likely to get hurt, but it also gives you the opportunity to feel out the waters before you dive in head first.

In the end, I don't think you should be afraid to take risks. You never get anywhere in life without risking something. So, if you feel you're prepared and ready then I think you should go for it. If nothing else, it's one more stepping stone toward authenticity.

Sorry that I don't have any better advice than this... because, I honestly think you have the best handle on the situation that you could have, and you seem to be heading in the right direction. The only word of caution that I would give you is to make sure you have people (like your female friend) that you can turn to if things don't go the way you'd like them to go. It helps to have that emotional support, which will help you recover quickly.

 

Toujours ici pour t'aider, mon bon ami (*hug*)

 

It sounds like you're on the best path you can be on at the moment. I want to address some other issues...

I thought you were exaggerating. Did you really lose 20 pounds in one week? That is a dangerous amount of weight loss. However, it's normal to lose your appetite when depressed or extremely stressed out. It's also normal to crave food - especially those high in fat or sugar. Binge eating and starving yourself is problematic, though.

One way to help with binge eating is to make sure you have some healthy food on hand to eat when you find yourself having the urge. Raw fruit is a good example: grapes, apples, pears, raspberries, etc. The sweetness of fruit helps curb a sugar craving, and also lets you avoid beating yourself up for eating when you feel the urge to eat.

Also, avoid having food nearby where you can graze. Require yourself to eat at a table, away from TV, computers, and other distractions. This will help prevent you from overeating.

An interesting trick that can sometimes work is to brush your teeth when you feel a craving come on. That works for some people.

As for NOT eating a way to help deal with that is to make sure there IS food nearby so that you can graze whenever you feel like it. Fix yourself a bag of granola, fruit, some low calorie homemade oatmeal cookies, or something for you to munch on a little bit at a time. If it's sitting right there next to you, and you're watching TV or on the computer, just casually reach over and begin eating a little. You'll eat way more than you think.

If your weight continues to have this radical fluctuation you need to see a doctor, because it's dangerous. The body isn't meant to gain or lose weight that quickly - a healthy amount of weight loss is around 1.5 pounds per week. If someone is super morbidly obese they may lose weight faster in the beginning, but that should eventually level off.

As for coming out to your friend, you seem rather prepared. Emotionally, it can always be difficult coming out because you're always facing the possibility of rejection. However, since you have people who are around you who will support you a lot of the things I'd worry about aren't really a factor. So, even if the absolute worst happens, yes it will suck for a time and hurt like hell, but you'll recover and move on. It's just one of those situations that time fixes on its own.

When it comes to getting over your friend, one of the best ways to do that is to get yourself busy with other things. Find activities that you enjoy and get involved. Strive to meet new people. ...and if possible, put yourself in a situation where you're likely to meet MORE gay people your age. This increases the likelihood that you will be able to find someone who will return your feelings, which will in turn help you move on rather quickly. It always helps when you can move on to a new object of your affection - it's easier than dealing with a broken heart.

Distance between the both of you, as well, will help.

So long as you avoid being lonely and inactive, you'll recover rather quickly. One of the worst things you could do is to isolate yourself from others and wallow in grief all alone with nothing to do. You will just constantly obsess over it, and it would be the emotional equivalent of picking a scab off a wound to prevent it from healing.

This is one of the reasons having people to turn to is important. You can talk to someone, have yourself an initial good cry to let it all out, and then do whatever it is you have to do to pick yourself up and move on.

As for your friends actions, I encourage you to not read into them. It's very easy to read what we want to see and feel into the actions of other people. This doesn't mean that your feelings and intuition is wrong, you just don't want to give yourself false hope by seeing "proof" that may not be proof at all. Doing our best to limit cognitive bias is always important, so we can keep the proper perspective.

 

If you feel comfortable you should speak to a doctor. Talk about your extreme fluctuation in weight, high level of anxiety, etc. I would discuss with him avoiding any medications that you'd have to take over a lengthy period of time, but if he has something that can temporarily reduce your anxiety it may be worth considering. What would be really beneficial, as previously discussed, would be to see a therapist - preferably a therapist experienced or specialized in LGBT issues.

To see if one is near you go here. Type in your Zip Code, then look to the left hand side under "Sexuality Gender" (in bold), and select Gay. Look around and see what they're specialized in so you get an idea of who might be the most appropriate for you... and hopefully at least one of them takes your insurance.

If you need a referral you might be able to get one from your doctor.

Dreaming and fantasizing like that is completely normal. Everyone does that when they have a crush on someone.

However, yes it is problematic when your hopes start to go up, because there is a danger of having them crushed. You're aware of it, though, which helps a lot, and you're moving in the right direction.

Build support elsewhere in your family first, and let them know what you're about to do so they can stand behind you. When you eventually come out to her don't do it alone, but have at least another person there to give you emotional support. Since you think she'll be fine with it, the coming out part isn't what you need to worry about the most. It's the later emotional abuse that you'll suffer at her hands.

Unfortunately, I know these types of people all too well. They can be difficult to deal with, primarily because they're attacking you specifically to hurt you. The best thing you can do in the heat of the moment is to say something like, "Your opinion is irrelevant." Then walk away. Put as much physical distance as possible between the both of you. I know for me personally, if I don't do something like this my anger will begin to take over very quickly. Since it sounds like you live in a city or a suburban neighborhood, going next door to your friend may be helpful. As a general rule, even the biggest of royal assholes don't like to be seen that way by those outside of the home, and thus would be reluctant to follow you and continue their verbal assault in front of other people.

Talking to someone you trust is very important. Being able to make an emotional connection with someone else, and share what you're going through helps - especially if they understand and have been or go through something similar.

Having a therapist to turn too would also be very helpful, as they can provide you with some proactive strategies for specific situations. They could even act as a mediator between you and your grandmother, helping you convey how you're feeling and serving as a buffer between her and her emotional outbursts.

Understand that when someone is being abusive that they're trying to break your will. Some of the worst abusers will see your individuality as a threat and will try to destroy it, and if they can't then they'll try to undermine it. Having a stronger sense of who you are, what you think, what you believe, helps avoid being worn down like this over time. Trust in your own judgement, and don't turn to them for approval - ever.

In fact, let me repeat that. Never ever turn to someone who is emotionally abusive for approval. This would be the worst mistake you could make in this type of situation, because they will use it as leverage against you. So, when you eventually come out to your grandmother, don't do it in hopes of receiving her love and affection. Do it for yourself - because you want to be honest about who you are, and don't want to have to hide it. Creating mental emotional barriers between you and her could be helpful. All of this means that her thoughts and opinions will matter to you less - which means they will hurt you less.

Avoid showing someone who is emotionally abusive your vulnerabilities. They feed off that like parasites and will exploit them to their utmost to hurt you. So if things go badly with your friend, you wouldn't want to turn to her for support.

Finally, accepting her for who and what she is very important. Often times with people we care about we try to imagine them how we'd like them to be instead of who they are. For example, I'd love for my father to be a more emotionally affectionate person, who was capable of connecting with me beyond a very emotionally distant and superficial level. However, that's just not who he is as a person. Accepting him for that fact and moving on is important. The same is true for your grandmother. Accept her for what she is and move on, and don't expect more from her than she can possibly give. This can be a hard lesson to learn in life, but people can't give you more than they're capable of giving. This is why you need to surround yourself with people who support and care for you. Having that support to fall back on frees you from having to emotionally depend on someone who can't give you what you want.

This can be difficult to answer, because it depends entirely on where you live and what is nearby. My suggestion is to find the nearest LGBT Center for you and call them up. If there are things going on involving LGBT Teens they probably know about it, and may even be hosting it. Likewise, calling local PFLAG Chapters might help, because even if there aren't events and the like being held, you might be able to connect with parents and families who have LGBT Teens.

 

Don't worry about giving your grandma the wrong idea. When she brings it up, just tell her the truth: "They're just friends."

When I was growing up most of my friends were female as well, and I used to get the same issue from my mother. No matter how much I told her they were just friends, I was never allowed to visit their homes because she was certain that it was going to lead to sex. If only she knew then what she knows now. :rolle:

I think your idea on getting to the therapist is a good idea. You can even use your feelings over your family issues as an excuse for what is wrong with you right now. This gives you an easy cover, and it's no doubt something that weighs heavily upon you anyway. So it's not exactly a lie.

When you're ready to come out to your grandmother, you can always do it with the therapist present.

You should also look toward expanding your social circle if possible. Making more friends and coming out to them gives you an even greater outlet outside of your family. This will help you tremendously.

I understand that it can be really, really, really tough when it comes to being a gay teenager. I'm sorry that something wasn't more close. I grew up in a small town with no local resources as well, so I know what that's like. Without the internet I don't know what I would have done - it was a life saver (literally).

On the bright side of things, in a couple of more years you'll be preparing for college. So, that'll give you the opportunity to really step out. (As well as beginning to liberate yourself from your family.)

(*hug*)

 

Unfortunately Baylor is a privately funded university. That means that they can discriminate on anything and hire who THEY see fit (since they're not federally funded).

I suggest you find another college.

 

I agree with ElPanaChevere. Ditch Baylor University. You want to go to a place where you can be out and proud, and it's not going to happen there. Here are a couple of news stories that might interest you.

Story One.

Story Two.

Avoid Christian Universities like the plague. Leaving behind your family and going to college is going to be the first time in your life that you're really going to have a chance to be yourself openly. You won't have that chance if you go to a place like Baylor - you will only be forced to stay in the closet.

However, you're definitely on the right road. Get to college as fast as you can.

You didn't mention whether or not you were still in the Houston area, but if you are there are definitely some things out there for you. Here is the Houston LGBT Community Center, and here is the Houston Chapter of PFLAG.

I'd encourage you to call or e-mail these places for information if you're still in the Houston area.

As for your Grandma continuously saying stuff like that, it's possible that she already suspects that you're not completely straight, if not gay. On the other hand, she could just be trying REALLY hard to push you into dating. Or she could just assume you're being really shy, and that you have a crush on one or more of them, but are afraid to ask them out... so she's trying to give you little nudges.

There could be a whole range of thinking behind her actions... or no thinking at all, she could just be meddling for the sake of meddling. Hell, if you blush when she says it she could be saying it just to get that type of reaction out of you.

If they're just little offhanded comments, they're easy to ignore. I've often brushed things off like that by being a smart ass and getting a laugh out of people. I'd probably just tell her I didn't want to play in the sandbox with little girls, and needed a real woman with extensive sexual experience and an even more extensive bank account to handle my high maintenance needs.

That's basically what I told my entire family all these years - both immediate and extended. It usually always gets a laugh, and people forget about the probing questions they were asking.

I alternated between that and flattery depending on the individual. One of my aunts really loved to be flattered, so I'd tell her something like... "You know you're the only woman I need in my life, and you're more than enough to make anyone happy." ...and she'd eat it up, and forget all about her probing.

Just follow something like that up with a question, and the subject changes quickly. For example, I'd say something like the above to my aunt, and while she's still going "Awww..." I'm starting to ask about my cousins (her kids) which changes the topic entirely to someone she'd much rather talk about (herself and her family).

I highly encourage you to do what you need to do to get to a LGBT supportive therapist. I've been in therapy for over a year, and it's done wonders for me.