Hi everyone, So I recently started seeing this girl that I am really into. This relationship or whatever it is gave me the motivation and courage to come out to friends and family. It's even an interesting few weeks... My concern is about the girl I am seeing. She is being very cautious, albeit supportive since I decided to start coming out. She said her hesitation is from past experiences dating women in the closet which sounds like they ended abruptly. She is very comfortable with her gender expression and sexual orientation whereas I am getting there. Does anyone have any experience dating someone in the process of coming out? I really like her, find her attractive, and would like to make things easier for her if possible. Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.
She sort of should be there for her if anything unfortunate happens (An unsatisfactory response, for instance), and might have to support you as needed. It shouldn't be draining to her, though, and, of course, you should only come out when you're ready and want to and are comfortable with doing so. Besides that, it's basically the same as dating anyone else. Public displays of affection may make you anxious and/or you may not want to do them right now, as I'm sure you know. She may have to deal with that, as well. I don't think this is too large of a problem, if it's a problem at all. I do hope that you're coming out fully on your own accord and that she isn't 'a reason' that you're doing so. The fact that you're coming out at all, though, is admirable. Cheers to you and take things easy, you know?
Thanks for the response. Have you dated someone while they are in the process of coming out? I honestly think she was hurt is past relationships and is bringing this into our now very new relationship. She keeps saying that this (be transitioning into being out) while pursuing this relationship makes things really complicated. She openly admitted that she is trying to separate her previous negative experience from ours but I can see and sense that she is having difficulty. I had been struggling with the though of coming out for the better part of 12 months. It wasn't until recently that I mustered up the courage to do so. There wasn't any pressure from her however I would say that being in a relationship that is comfortable and worthwhile has proven to be a good motivator and source of courage/strength. I can deal with the repercussions of coming out now than ever before and I'm in a really good place physically and emotionally to be able to do so. I guess I'm just trying to find a way to make it easier for her... I am communicating to the best of my ability...
I can guess why she may have been hurt in past relationships. Perhaps she was treated as a good friend instead of a girlfriend sometimes to cover up the fact that the person liked other girls. Maybe there were empty or lacking promises made. The only thing you can do is to be true to her. If you're communicating well, which it sounds like you're at the very least trying to do, that's all she could really ask for. It shouldn't really be hard on her... Do you think you'd ever play down your relationship with her around others? That's the only thing that might upset her, in theory. Personally... I've 'dated' someone who was entirely out while I was out to just a few friends and acquaintances and important family. It wasn't an issue for either of us. Currently, I'm dating someone who's in the closet but he's going to start coming out. I honestly don't mind when he comes out, for now. It just isn't an issue for us both, and of course I want him to come out when he's fully ready and comfortable with it. I wouldn't force him to do anything otherwise. I just see myself as someone he can come to for support and feedback when he wishes. That may be just me and him and our relationship, though. But since you asked, there you are =) It sounds like your girlfriend has just had some bad experiences. With the mindset that you have, I'm thinking that you won't really contribute to those.
From my experience, dating while one or both of the parties are closeted can be tricky... My last boyfriend and I were both out to no one when we started dating and it was frustrating because we could hardly do any PDA, the only real place we could be affectionate is when we were with the two of us, which was mostly at home, where our parents were often around, so we still had to be cautious. I was the one who started coming out earlier, putting pressure on him and all, and the longer he didn't do it, the more I had come out, and the more I started worrying about him. When I came out to my parents they weren't too positive and I was honest to him and told him, and he's like "Well I do feel like our parents need to be supportive" so that was another obstacle. All in all it didn't go really well and he broke up with me after a good month.
