Hi guys. Well, Im sorry if you get sick to death of reading these sorts of stories and problems, but I think I need your help, I need someone to take an objective look on my situation. So, Im out to my 2 BEST friends, one who made it so easy, he is just awsome. and well things are 99% the same with me and him. every now and then I think hmmmm thats not how he woulda reacted before he knew, but I will never hold that against my friends, hell, Im the only one that I know of that is gay in my group of friends, and if thats a bit hard to adjust to, then im happy to give some room. The other friend, which I cant even describe our friendship.... perfect? hehe, anyway he hasnt changed a bit. which makes me feel on top of the world. annnnyway. I have a 3rd really really good friend I want to tell but... this could be different. See, he is still in school, and when I was in school it was really hard, like very few people were "out" because it just wasnt somthing people did. and I guess my problem is, im scared how he will react. Both my best friends say that he will be fine, but what if he isnt cool with it? am I making sense? but the problem doesnt stop there. See i work in a school, not his. but his brother goes to the school where I work, and well, if he didnt accept my status, and decided to be a person i didnt think he was, and tell his brother. It would be a sure quick way to ruin everything. Is my problem apparent? Like I trust my friend with my secret, im scared of him not seeing me as me, but rather as he would see his friends at school, and so it wouldnt be "acceptable". I see this friend alot, like.... 2 - 3 times a week, every week. We do gym, and usually hang out with all my mates on weekends, so I dont want to ruin what we have. I enjoy his company, he is a genuine friend, but I dont want this to come between us. Sorry if I sound like Im just having a cry, but I cant really look at this from the objective point of view, Im clouded by what I see at my work with students and peer pressure, and so im just confused. If thats not enough for you. and this one hurts a bit, because I feel like a selfish friend but. I have this other friend, who I would call the brother I never had. He is awsome, and I get along with him just as good as my other 3 good friends, but...... He is a very, social drinker on weekends, and gets a bit.... happy, at times I really want to tell this guy too, but well, what if he got drunk and said somthing? Is it selfish on my behalf not to tell a really good friend because im scared he cant hold a secret when his judgement is impared by alcohol? my first 2 friends were so easy to tell, I trust them without question, but my next 2 friends I trust, but they have the power to ruin the control I have on my situation
Re: 2 Friends, simmilar problems Damn you for having so many friends! Just kidding. First of all, welcome to EC! Choosing who to come out to is always difficult, they all sound like really good friends, and the fact that the two you've told are so supportive is a really good sign. I know your 1st friend is occasionally a little awkward about it but that's only natural and it doesn't mean anything. Just let him ease into the new situation, and figure out that he doesn't have to act any differently around you If your friends think the guy at school is safe to come out to, then maybe you should. It does put you in a difficult situation if he reacts badly, so I'd tread carefully, try and figure out where he stands. Just because the other guys at school have problems with gay people doesn't mean he will. If you think he can keep it secret and won't have a problem, then I'd tell him As for your other friend, the fact that you call him the brother you never had shows that you really value his friendship, he will feel the same. Just because he gets drunk a lot doesn't mean he'll blurt it out. If he knows how important it is, he might try harder to keep it secret, but that's definitely not a guarantee. I really don't know how I can help you with that... give him a task, tell him something and ask him to get very very drunk and not tell anyone, see if he's able to do it. That's probably not good advice, forget I said that
Re: 2 Friends, simmilar problems How long is it before friend no. 3 leaves school? I think that if you are really worried, then perhaps you should wait until he leaves. That said, if you have sounded him out on gay issues (I would definately recommend this - you can do it alongside things like abortion, immigration, welfare ie political issues, not to make it obvious.), and if you think that he is not one to fall for peer pressure, then I'd tell him. At the end of the day, even if his friends are homophobic, if they don't know that he's hanging around with a gay guy, then he's not going to get any hassle from them, and conform to it. But I would sound him out first. - But it sounds like your other friends think he would be fine - how well do you trust their judgement? The fourth guy - well, it's difficult to know, because I think that sometimes, people can get loose with their tongue when drunk about some things, but not others. I mean, when I am drunk, there are things that I say which make it sound like I am loose with my tongue, but even then, there are some things I never say... I actually don't think that your friend would tell even when drunk, if they are truly trustworthy, but I do not know him and only you can make that judgement call. It is possible that he would blurt it out; but then, he might not. I think the issue here is also: how important is it for you to stay closeted? And how important is it for you to stay closeted to the people he might out you to (ie his friends)? You call him the brother you never had, which makes me feel you have already made up your mind and are just wanting the courage to do it. But it's up to you. But good luck! (and congrats for coming out to and having two great friends!)
Re: 2 Friends, simmilar problems First of all, welcome to EC!:icon_bigg I can really identify with your problem. Is there anything that your 3rd friend said during a chat or conversation that could or would indicate how he might react? As ccdd in the previous post mentioned, maybe try sounding him out about it before coming out to him. Alternately, should you feel uncomfortable with that, you could also ask your first 2 friends in greater detail (if you haven't done so already) if he mentioned anything to them that would indicate how he might react and you could take it from there. But then again, and as ccdd already said, it really comes down to, "how well do you trust their judgment?" For the 4th friend, if he is very talkative while being drunk, I would be careful and maybe just try to gage what he is blurting out while being drunk at first. But then again, when people are drunk you never know what they might say....I don't think you're being selfish...sometimes it's better too keep something a secret, even from very good or best friends, when in doubt! Good Luck!!
Re: 2 Friends, simmilar problems Thanks guys, for the replies. Davo. I know what you mean by my first best friend, He is an amazing guy, and Im in no way upset with how he has been since I told him. He still supports me like a friend should, and Im more than happy to give him some time to adjust to me CCDD. Friend 3 leaves school at the end of this year (novemberish). I really do want to tell these people, I sort of decided to myself that this year, Im going to make the jump and start telling people. If I dont push myself a little, Id never do it. I really trust his judgement, and I dont think that he would fall to peer pressure, but I guess Im just scared he would see all the anti gay stigma at school and place it on my situation. I think I need to place a little trust in his hands, he is old enough to understand everything, sooo.... I might tell him soon, mabey with the help of my best friends. How important is it to stay closeted?.... well, not overly, but I dont want things to spin out of control. Once these 4 friends all know, then I dont care who in our friends circle find out, so its not too much of an issue. Its just I dont want him telling them, Id prefer to do it. Hmm that sounds petty Asteroid Indicate how he might react.... not really, see he is just the kinda guy that doesnt let anything phase him, so I guess thats what Im using as my strength to tell him. My problem is, none of my other friends are gay, so I cant easily do the probing of information, without looking sus. Plus, im not really that outgoing. Guys, what you have said has helped alot. thanks for your objective opinions I think I might go ahead and tell friend 3, but leave friend 4 for another day... why stress over more than I have too.
Re: 2 Friends, simmilar problems Well, with all the help you guys provided, I told number 3 tonight. He took it how I expected, awsomely. We had a bit of a chat, and he is all cool with it. Gym is still on, so thats a good sign, and he spoke to Best friend 2 about it, and said to him that he was fine with it all, and happy I told him So im like over the moon atm Ill float back down soon when I start thinking about friend 4.... Thanks again guys, you all were great
Re: 2 Friends, simmilar problems That's awesome! I'm so glad it has gone well for you! Welcome to EC!
That makes sense. Just wait until you're absolutely comfortable. Maybe things will play in your favor if they're genuine! I wouldn't tell the "social drinker" though. =]
